Keeping Busy, with Purpose

A few months ago, I completed my correspondence course for paralegal certification and I was wondering what to do with myself next. Since then, a number of interesting opportunities have presented themselves to keep me busy in body, mind, and spirit.  I thought I'd share them with you.

First, I was introduced to Samir (Not his real name), a Saudi Arabian citizen who was arrested while studying English after only a few months in Flagstaff, AZ. So now, I'm giving him English lessons as he is barred from any educational programs offered to inmates due to his citizenship.  In exchange, I get to practice my Arabic with him. I enjoy teaching him, though it's a painful reminder that I'm a teacher at heart, a skill and gift that I may never be able to utilize again as an ex-felon sex -offender with lifetime probation.

Through him, I met Amr (not his real name), a political refugee from Sudan, one of the "lost boys," who rather lost himself in the incredible diversity and "debauchery" of this country, so unlike anything he had ever experienced before.

I've been "editing/translating" some of this writing, as his English is not particularly strong. It's been incredibly moving to read about his difficult journey, his dream of escaping the violence, hatred, and genocide of the Sudan, and his incredible joy and relief at the opportunity to go to America, fulfilling a dream. Then, to be caught up in the U.S. Justice system with little understanding of the system, few resources, and little support and to find himself locked up in an Arizona prison, possibly for life, for a crime he did not commit.

Then there's Larry (yeah, not real) who I'm helping with an appeal on his case. Larry is an older guy (mid-50's) who was a civil engineer with a pretty nice life. He drunkenly exposed himself in proximity of a group of people. He signed a plea agreement with an expectation of 1.5 years of prison and a term of probation, the recommended sentence of pre-trial services. The judge, upon the recommendation of the prosecution, aggravated both counts to two years, to be run consecutively, to each be followed by lifetime probation, giving him four years and two lifetime probations. (This two lifetime probation is a common ploy in Arizona, as released felons were choosing to return to prison  to avoid the lifetime probation, to "kill their number".  It didn't really work, as many still do.) We're trying to get the sentence reduced, and to run concurrently, as the sentences are dependent on one single action. The aggravating factor was "harm to the victims".

Finally, I met Keoni (this is his real name – he wanted me to use it), who heard i was trying to start a peer counseling program here, due to the incredible lack of services offered for therapy or counseling. Keoni has been working with members of the Integral Theory and Integral Life Practice community.

Integral Theory, developed by Ken Wilber, "makes sense of how all the worlds' knowledge systems...fit together and can elevate our awareness  Drawing on science, psychology, human development, spirituality, religion, and dozens of other fields, Integral Theory is a frame work for understanding ourselves and the work we live in." For more information, visit www.integral-life-practice.com.)

Keoni has been studying and working on Integral practices for several years and was asked to write an article for The Journal of Integral Theory and Practice.  Cindy Lou Golin, a prominent member of the Integral community, received a grant to create an "Integral Inmate" peer education program in the hopes of creating a framework for personal growth for inmates, led by and for inmates, with the support of the Integral community.

Anyway, Keoni asked for "coaching" in his writing and has shared loads of interesting and powerful ideas, articles, and books so that I can better understand this concept.  Anything that increases my knowledge and elevates my state is of value to me.

So these are some of the ways I have given my life meaning and purpose in a difficult environment, along with the essays that I share with you.

Nectar for the Soul

While walking back from the phones today, I saw a hummingbird perched on the razor wire that tops the fence that divides our yard. It was joined by a second and they began flitting about each other in and around the razor wire. It lifted my spirits to see the hummingbird, the first I've seen in several years.

Then I began to wonder: would they make it out to the desert before using up all their energy by beating their wings so furiously? Would they make it to the sweet nectar that fuels their bodies and lies outside this desolate barren land surrounded by fences? I was concerned for the hummingbirds.

Then I thought, how similar to my own predicament. Will I make it out beyond these fences to some sweet nectar to fuel my spirit? My life force is ebbing away and this institution is sucking away my soul a little bit every day. How can I re-energize my spirit, my life force, my soul?

I suppose I must make do with the nectar of literature, or writing, of music, and of movies rather than the more nourishing nectar of authentic life experiences. I must be nourished, or at least satisfied with a simpler expectation of what constitutes a meaningful life experience.

For example, the other night at chow I was stuffing a bag of Lay's potato chips in my sock to enjoy later that evening (we've been getting cursory pat downs as we leave the chow hall recently.) As I looked around, I noticed another inmate at another table doing the exact same thing. We caught each other's eyes and we both began to laugh. It was a simple moment, outside the range of the life experiences to which I was once accustomed, but in that moment there was a connection and an acknowledgement of the absurdity that our lives have become.

It is these simple moments that can provide nectar for the soul, that make life worth living, and keep us going in spite of the obstacles placed in or paths.

Media Spin

One of the biggest obstacles to meaningful, pro-active reform of sex-offender legislation is the media's biased and selective portrayal of non-violent, non-contact sex offenders. A recent news story on KPHO Phoenix, a CBS affiliate, gives a clear example of this.

The "top story" on July 14^th was about the problem of homeless registered sex-offenders. There are some 239 registered sex-offenders in Phoenix without a residential address, so they are required to be at a specific street corner for certain hours each day.  Apparently this is not tracked all that well by the authorities.

The story cites the problems that have developed because of this system and lack of oversight, specifically naming two offenders who committed particularly heinous crimes toward young children.  One of these homeless sex offenders raped a young child in 2007.  In addition, the reporter interviewed a family that lives near one of the intersections assigned to a homeless sex offender. Needless to say, they were quite unhappy about the entire system.

This story omitted many significant facts that would have presented a more thorough and balanced picture of the situation. Instead, it focused on the most egregious examples of violent crimes and abuse. A more objective presentation of the story might have gone like this:

There are 239 registered sex-offenders in Phoenix who are homeless - unable to secure a permanent residence.  Housing options are limited for registered sex offenders, in that they can be denied housing at some homeless shelters or can be denied approval to live with family members or friends, even if their crime did not involve violence or sexual contact with a minor, as is the case for over 200 of the 239 listed. These non-violent, non-contact homeless offenders must abide by the same restrictions applied to violent offenders, though their compliance is not regularly monitored.

In spite of the difficulties of securing housing and employment, and the widespread discrimination against this segment of the population, there have been no serious incidents for over seven years. Research by the Department of Justice and other sources has shown that only 3% of sex-offenders are likely to re-offend - far fewer than any other class of felon except murderers, who are rarely released at all.

This approach to the story might elicit a more humane, realistic, and constructive debate about what is most certainly a significant issue. Biased, unrealistic reporting does nothing to further a discussion of solutions. 

Some sex offenders are dangerous predators, and society truly needs protection from them. All sex-offenders, however, do not belong in that same category. Many registered sex offenders are non-violent, non-contact offenders (having been convicted for possession of pornography, for example) who have made mistakes and are committed to atoning for those mistakes and to rebuilding their lives. An objective media portrayal of their struggles and a restorative (rather than retributive) justice approach to their reparations would do much to alleviate the homeless problem for the offenders, their families, the victims, and the whole of society.

Negative Lessons

I have made mistakes in my life, everyone has, and I've done things, said things, and have carried myself in ways I am not proud of. On the whole, however, I believe that I have lived an ethical, noble, and generous life. I have always tried to treat my fellow human beings with kindness, love, and respect. This whole prison experience has truly challenged and shaken many of the beliefs that I hold to be honorable. The characteristics that society extols as righteous, and that we try to convey to our children, are not only absent from the whole judicial journey but are often discouraged in favor of lesser quality. I hope to illustrate some examples through this essay.

Honesty is a trait I have always revered. I have attempted to practice and model it throughout my life. Honesty has been discouraged and punished throughout the duration of this experience. It started when the letters of honesty, admission, explanation, an apology sent to Jess were turned over to the police as evidence against me.

The very first thing that all the attorneys I spoke with said was "say nothing to no one." This notion was further reinforced when my therapist phoned police regarding issues that had been discussed in complete confidence (or so I was led to believe). Had I lied, or kept silent from the outset, things would have been different.

The "prison culture" also discourages honesty to the point where correctional officers are told that everything inmates say is a lie. This is certainly a gross exaggeration, but it's not without some merit.

Communication, I've always believed, is an essential component of conflict resolution. Virtually all attempts at dialogue with my ex fiancée have been met with silence. Even when communication was present, Jess' content was short on substance and full of false hope. 

This policy of non communication is reaffirmed in prison, the courts, and in county jail. "Do not discuss your charges", "show no weakness", "shown no vulnerability", and other similar ideas are reinforced in words and actions. I've even discovered that efforts to manage my anxiety through medication and counseling (for the few months it was available) have increased my "risk score" in the prison classification system.

Perhaps the greatest revelation is the inherent injustice of the justice system as a whole. Justice is not blind, it is led by politics, economics, and personal ambition. "Innocent until proven guilty" is rhetoric fed to schoolchildren with little relationship to the way things are. I once imagined a judge to be a wise and unbiased pillar of society, carefully examining evidence and weighing the claims of the opposing parties. In truth, the prosecution really controls the proceedings. Plea bargains are coerced by threatening absurd sentences - (in my case 100 to 300 years!) And this results in a forfeiture of many of one's constitutional rights to due process of law.

I was flabbergasted to learn recently that the role of the prosecutor, according to the Arizona Supreme Court, is to seek the ends of justice, to refrain from bias, exaggeration, and sensationalism. The reality is to secure a conviction, but any and all means necessary, as quickly and extremely as possible.

The "negative affirmations" of prison itself are every bit as devastating to the soul and spirit of a convict, and ultimately to society itself. The idea that we are "pieces of shit" is repeatedly conveyed by the attitudes of staff and through the media. That we all have positive qualities and a capacity for success is not a message conveyed by the system. It is systematically hammered out of us through unfair treatment, irrational and capricious policies, and a lack of courtesy and respect.

The prison culture, unfortunately, is no better. The ideas of racism and segregation are among the first lessons that are conveyed. "This is the white area of the dining hall," "that is the black ramada", "be ready to stand up with your race if any kind of trouble develops" are some of the messages given. Even in signing up for a volleyball tournament, there is a section for race on the signup sheet.

By and large, to secure a position of authority within the prison society, it is done through physical intimidation, fear, and threat. Violence is the first and often the only way to settle disputes. The white "heads of the yard" have their own table in the chow hall, further alienating and illustrating their "status". I suppose this is not so entirely different from our elected officials, but that does little to foster trust or any sense of involvement in one's community.

The policies of incentive are woefully counterproductive. The idea of "time off for good behavior" is really an ancient relic. Parole is not even available for those sentence after 1996 (the system was abolished then). One can seek a commutation of sentence, but in spite of a number of positive recommendations by the clemency board, the governor has steadfastly refused to grant these reprieves.

Arizona does offer an 85% "good time release" to many prisoners, depending on the sentence. However, this is pretty much guaranteed and offers little incentive in terms of behavior. It's true that it can be denied for extremely disruptive conduct, but it's pretty much a given for most who have it available.

The "earned incentive program" of the DOC policy is similarly weak in offering real incentive. The perks for good behavior are increased pay, more phone calls per day, more visits per week, and higher limits on store spending. That sounds pretty good, but the difference in pay from save 25¢ to maybe 45¢ per hour does not nearly allow for additional phone calls or additional "store" limits. Many in here do not have much of a support network outside these fences, due in part to many of the policies inherent in the system, so more calls, more visits, or higher store limits are meaningless. Even at the highest pay rate, we don't make enough for the minimum spending limit. Even with family members who are supportive and visit, I have never used up all of my weekly visits; and phone calls are financially too prohibitive to make more than a couple times a month - less than that if the inmate has to pay from their wages.

There is no perceived value to showing initiative and responsibility through prison jobs. The pay is better than nothing, but only slightly, and there are other factors that discourage such efforts at productivity. I, myself, work on another yard, as the inmates at that yard are in maximum lockdown. Because of this, I get to wait hours and hours each week for the inconsistent bus to arrive both to and from the other yard. I have limited opportunities for library hours on my own yard. (In one 6 week period, we had library time twice.) I receive smaller rations of food, because the "lock down" inmates are deemed to require fewer calories as they have no physical exertion. The occasional "treats" that are available on my yard (such as cinnamon rolls and ice cream sandwiches) are not available to workers on the lockdown unit. There is no additional compensation for these workers, so many inmates will not do these jobs. I put up with these inconveniences because I like my job and my boss, but that only goes so far.

Taking initiative and attempting to suggest improvements to the system tends to be met with bitter opposition and can result in being labeled as an instigator or troublemaker. Life can be made even worse than it is already, encouraging us to remain passive and keep under the radar, rather than being proactive, creative, or taking initiative.

Attempts to seek any relief through the courts are met with similar resistance and obstacles. Access to legal resources is woefully incomplete, inadequate, and limited for those who have no means for legal representation.

The court system is a maze of hoops and procedures such that even educated inmates have little chance of navigating it successfully. And the truth is not nearly as relevant as procedure. An attorney once said to me that "I don't know of any cases where a decision was reconsidered because of the facts, only because of errors of procedure".

My most recent appeal was denied, as expected, but contained the most wonderful piece of legal speak I have read thus far: "...in this case, a reasonable probability is less than more likely than not, but more than a mere possibility." Apparently my assertions did not satisfy this crystal clear standard. In my case, the state filed the reply several days late with no repercussions, but a friend just had his petition dismissed when, although it was mailed prior to the deadline, it arrived afterwards.

All of these scenarios fan the flames of resentment, injustice, and futility that an incarcerated inmate is trying to overcome.

A whole other host of "negative messages" comes with the societal reactions to the scenario that prisoners find themselves in. We teach our kids that we all make mistakes, that we learn from them and become better human beings. Yet people who have committed offenses of a sexual nature seen excluded from this maxim. Lifetime probation and lifetime registration, with severe restrictions on residency, employment, and social interactions and are given in virtually all cases, regardless of the nature of the offense. We made mistakes, in most cases we acknowledged them and learned from them, so why destroy our lives forever with little opportunity for truly making amends?

My understanding of friendship and my faith in humanity have been challenged and tested from this experience. Many of those whom I considered to be true good friends have abandoned me completely. Others, who I might not have expected, have risen up to provide support and encouragement. Most people, it seems, do not really want to hear about a reality that might negate their preconceived notions about how things are. I suppose that's not surprising, but what is surprising is when it happens from people that you love and care for, from those you thought would believe you and offer support.

My "once best friend" provides an illustration of this. After the tragic incident, he suspended any and all communication for several months (perhaps at his sister's request). He agreed to communicate on the day before I was to turn myself into the police. I had hoped for some insight as to why and how his sister had chosen such a destructive and disruptive approach to the situation. His response was, "what else could she have done?".

Personally, I can think of many options that might have been more effective, productive, humane, and efficient, but it was clear to me that my "friend" had little desire to hear about that. He also asked me to leave Jess alone, completely. I know he was being a supportive little brother, which is higher priority than a friend, but it was also clear that he did not want to understand my reality, the love I have for his sister, or the love of a father for his child. I had hoped for an affirmation from a friend, that I was not a piece of shit or an evil monster. That affirmation never came, from him or from many others who I thought might believe in me.

And therein lies the real horror; that all of these "negative affirmations" feed us, that we might buy into them and believe them, that we might doubt ourselves and the qualities that we thought we'd possessed; that growth and improvement are futile, or even worse, impossible. That our hearts, our souls, and our humanity are without value, and are being chipped away a little bit every day.

I hope that I might have that faith in myself, and the strength to overcome these obstacles to development, but they are many, they are strong, and they seem never ending. Is it any wonder that our correctional institutions are having little success an affecting any positive outcomes?

Armageddon upon us?

Reflecting on the "apocalypse" prophecies that abounded for the end of 2012 makes me consider some things. Perhaps the Mayans were not so far off. It seems, sadly, that an Armageddon is, in fact, upon us, but not due to any external or natural forces but because of our own sick, twisted, and ego - clinging culture.

There has been much talk and debate over gun control and the treatment of mental health since the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. Also talk of school and personal security and our basic rights.

The Secretary of the State of Arizona, the villainous Tom Horne, proposed an "armed educator" plan, whereby at least one staff member in every school would be expected, or required to be "packing heat".

As a parent, and a former teacher, I am appalled by this proposal for many reasons. First and foremost, what kind of lesson does it model for our children? As educators, we are expected to model and instill life lessons to our students, which include communication as an alternative to violence as a problem solving skills. How can we do that, in good faith, if schools themselves do not adhere to this policy?

Also, having weapons in close proximity to kids, all the time, is a recipe for disaster. What if little Johnny is really getting on Ms. Crabapple's already frayed nerves and she just loses it? Or a violent altercation starts up between kids, or groups of kids. Perhaps firing a warning shot might restore the peace!

And consider the temptation for the more mischievous students, particularly in middle or high school, if they know there is a gun around. The implications are terrifying.

What is perhaps more disturbing to me, as a human being, is that according to a poll I saw on the evening news, 83% of those who responded were in favor of such a proposal!

I agree that this shooting was horrific, and that kids deserve protection. But they deserve our best ideas, not more guns, which will only fuel the fire even further. Of course, this comes from the same state that brought us - and vehemently defends - SB 1070, a piece of legislation intended to promote fear, distrust, divisiveness, and racism. 

Arizona is rapidly becoming a police state, where reason and compassion are swept away in favor of fear mongering and mistrust. The penal system, as I have written of extensively, is but one aspect. Recently, a list of "banned books" was distributed to the state complexes. Along with books that may contain graphic erotica, included are many books on drawing (i.e., teaching yourself to draw), books on carpentry, plumbing, and electrician skills, books that criticize or give information on the prison system, books on homeopathic and natural medicine, books on the Mayans and the Aztec, books on calligraphy, and a huge array of other equally dumbfounding subjects. "A Game of Thrones", Dean Koontz "Frankenstein" (book two only), "No Country For Old Men" and "Shutter Island" which are both on TV regularly, and more than 1000 others. Not only does the department of corrections do little to assist in rehabilitation, they seem to be actively opposed to it. I can see the logic behind many of the books on the list, but 75% or more have me scratching my head.

Many inmates, disgruntled or even terrified of the state policies, have attempted to apply for interstate compacts upon release - to live with family outside of the state. All that I have spoken with have been denied. Once this penal system gets its hooks in you, it does not let go. I wonder if this happens in other states?

The Federal government also exhibits this lack of reason and compassion. The whole " fiscal cliff" debacle illustrates how politicians are removed from the wants and needs of the people. The posturing and bickering has little to do with the common good and much to do with individual agendas and reputations.

My faith in humanity is taking a huge beating as I stop and look around this crazy country. I am but one person (barely even that as a convict), and my voice is just a squeak compared to the Niagara Falls-like roar of tyranny and injustice. Can't we do better than this?

The soapbox is now yours....

Connecting with Convicts

This entry is primarily aimed toward those who may have friends, family, or loved ones who are incarcerated.  This is obviously a difficult situation for everyone involved.  There is undoubtedly conflict, reluctance, embarrassment, mistrust, and uncomfortable feelings all around, but...  Coming from someone on the inside of the prison walls and fences, I urge you to communicate!  Certainly this is not an easy thing for many, especially if the crime is particularly heinous or uncomfortable to address.  If that is the case, you need not address it.  A simple card or letter to say "I'm thinking of you, you're not forgotten " can mean so much to an inmate in confinement.

Oftentimes, there is the initial communication, which slowly fades away as time passes -causing us to feel lost, unloved, and forgotten.  Or people who we thought were close never correspond at all, leading us to wonder, to think the worst, or to sow the seeds of resentment toward humanity as a whole.  Many people seem to think that writing about mundane, everyday occurrences would be boring, or worse, cause sorrow and envy.  While there is some truth to this, by and large we would rather hear about it than not.  It's often a way to live vicariously through others.

We have all made mistakes in life, some bigger and messier than others, but we must not judge people by their mistakes alone.  The overwhelming majority of us are good hearted people who made bad choices, and often were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  That could happen to anyone.  Try to see us, and everyone really, with compassion and empathy.  We are all a part of this whole crazy universe, interconnected in ways we cannot possibly fathom.

One suggestion for communications would be to ask us questions.  While we here in prison might imagine that there is nothing of interest happening in our lives (and rightly so) it might be fascinating to those on the "outside" to hear about the mundane craziness of prison life.  The dreadful food, the inter-yard politics, the clandestine network of trade and barter, the hours of waiting, are all facets of life that most have little experience with.  Ask us questions and be specific!  We want to reach out, but we are afraid or are too embarrassed to make the first move.  We might have no way to discover where you are unless you tell us.

In most cases, you can find us easily on the Internet through your "local" department of corrections.  We will eventually get your letter... maybe... but don't give up trying.  It seems hard in this fast paced world of instant electronic communication to actually write and send a letter, but you just might find a forgotten joy in that process.  And receiving an actual, physical letter in your mailbox (instead of bills and junk mail) might be as pleasant for you as it is for us.

For those who are willing and able, consider a little gift.  Books, music, newspaper and magazine clippings are allowed in Arizona - but check on policies and procedures first.  Sending even 10 or 20 bucks would be an incredible joy for us.  Most inmates, even if they work, are paid slave wages - leaving little money for the little "goodies" that might make life pleasant, even for a few moments - again check policy first.

We may be out of sight, but we are still "right here." Family and friend connections might be one of the most powerful forces of therapy, rehabilitation and healing for us.  For many, perhaps the only source.  So if you're in the unpleasant situation of knowing someone who is incarcerated (and the number continues to grow), pick up a pen or type a letter on your computer and send it to the person!

The Hero's Journey

I must play many mental games to help me get through this incredibly difficult experience.

I have found that a Buddhist philosophy makes much sense and a fine a strategy for dealing with the pain and suffering that is this life.  It is not to deny the existence of such suffering, but to shed the ego's attachment to the pain and suffering and above all to the clinging desire for things to be different than they are.  This is an aspect of the illusion, or maya, that Buddhists speak of.

Another way to look at things is to realize that life is the Hero's Journey.  And that all of the crap that is thrown at us are obstacles to be overcome by the "hero".

The quest itself is the ultimate goal, not the "destination", or the "prize," or success, or failure.  It is how we carry ourselves on the voyage that really matters.  There is no golden fleece or Holy Grail and anything that may seem to be a reward is impermanent by nature.  It is the journey that strengthens us.  It is the trials, the tribulations, the joys, and the sorrows along the way that help us to discover what we are and who we are in our hearts and souls.  Essential to the path is the conviction to see it with brutal honesty and compassionate openness.

Perhaps it seems odd that a "hero" can be a sex offender (whose "offense" involves neither sex nor contact with any other person), but the hero is within each of us, and is often times easier to discover in times of despair and depravity.  Perhaps it is easier to grow and find strength in those rough patches.  When all is well and happy it's easier to be sidetracked from the real journey.

It seems that love is very much similar to, and in all likelihood a part of, this hero's quest.  As with the quest, there is no certainty of any reward at the end of the sojourn.  There is no golden ring, and though there may be a golden ring, it is as temporary and elusive as all else.

Does this mean that love is not worth the effort?  That journey, too, will shape us and assist us in learning and knowing.  Love can bring out the best in us, and the worst in us, sometimes simultaneously.  We can face its difficulties head on with strength, honesty, and conviction or we can run in fear from its tendrils.

Both the quest and love are fraught with false trails, illusions, tricks, temptations, and deceptions.  Seeing, knowing, and discovering the true path is essential, yet elusive.

The hero's quest (and the path of love) are solitary endeavors.  While it's pleasing to have others who have faith in the hero, who believe in the quest, and who lend assistance on the journey, the hero must ultimately confront the dragon alone.  So it is with "love", the hero cannot control or influence the love experienced or  given by another.  How rare and fortunate when two such paths should converge upon one another, which is when real magic can occur.  Yet love cannot require nor expect reciprocation, and can still exist without it.  It happens all the time.  There is still strength, richness and pain (lots of pain) in a solo journey.

The journey may well be one of insanity, like that of Don Quixote de la Mancha, but perhaps that is the most sincere form of the quest.  For who in their right mind would undertake such a foolish expedition with no thought of reward, riches, completion, or reciprocation.  Yet that is not only the reality, but the requirement.  The quest is oftentimes thrust upon us unwelcomed and uninvited and it's up to us to accept or decline.

The expedition is not easy, no one said it would be, and if they did they were lying.  If it's easy it's not the true hero's quest and/or is still incomplete.  Perhaps the journey's "completion" ends with nirvana, or enlightenment, or the interconnectedness of all things, or communion with the cosmos, or maybe the quest itself is already all of those things.

Thought Crime, Part 2

Part 2: Potential Prevention (or barriers thereof)

Several people, including Jess, have inquired as to why I did not seek some kind of treatment earlier, before my secrets were revealed, especially since I claimed to be working on these issues.  (I suspect that some are dubious of this claim, but again I must be satisfied with my own knowledge of this truth.)

It seems to me that my present situation should adequately address this inquiry.  To be truly honest with a counselor or therapist is a potential ticket to prison.  So it seems, as well, is an attempt to be truly honest with a fiancée.

Ironically the consequence of my actions continues to prevent me from getting professional help, as well as surrounding me with others as misguided, or more so, than myself.  There is a sex offender treatment program (SOTP) available in the prison system, but not on my yard.  I looked into a transfer, but at present the wait list for the program is several years.  There is also a concern that information shared in this program could be used against you later on.  This may seem like inmate paranoia or a rationalization, but it's written into DOC policy and has been conveyed by various attorneys in publications and to their clients here.  Yet still, there is a waiting list.

This course must also be taken (at your own expense) upon release from prison whether or not it is taken here, and still there is a waiting list.  So the idea that sex offense felons do not have a desire to heal is obviously not the case.

Jess also questioned why I withheld this tragic secret from her at the start of our relationship.  Again, her reaction to the situation speaks for itself.  If I had been honest at the start, would it have made a difference?  Would she still have reported me to the police?  And if not, why not?  If, as she claims, she truly believed me to be a risk to others, how would the time and manner of disclosure change the potential (or lack thereof) of inappropriate behavior?

Or perhaps the reality is that I was turned over to the police out of anger, or because I was not fully honest.  I certainly realize how dramatic and horrifying this discovery must have been.  I feel horrible for causing that pain, but communication, explanation, and cooperation might have been more beneficial to everyone.

I also wonder about the ethical implications of my lack of full disclosure about my habits.  When the consequences of this discovery are so disproportionate to the crime, and so devastating to me, my family and friends, is it morally wrong to hide the truth?  I really do think that honesty in a relationship is essential, and I violated that trust. Yet in a situation like this, it seems less clear.

In truth, my reasons were more selfish than that.  I never in my wildest dreams even considered that she might go to the police.  No, I hid to the extent of my destructive habit because I was embarrassed, and because I didn't want to risk losing her.  This was selfish, I know, but I was so incredibly in love.  That's hardly a good defense of my actions, but well, there it is.

The point here, which I just a rambled a way from, is that because of the assumptions of society, the attitudes of the justice system, and the lambasting by the media, there are really very few options available to someone seeking help in dealing with these issues, until perhaps it's too late.

This is a significant issue that requires a major shift in perspective and an openness to the uncomfortable realities of the human condition.

I know this topic and these ideas have been rehashed here in various ways ad nauseam, but this is where my mind goes again and again.  I am unable to work through this with any truly objective party, so I do so with thoughts and words to myself, and anyone who might happen to read this.

I know that I am not objective, but I sincerely hope that I am making sense.  As always, I encourage responses and comments.  I encourage you to call bullshit on ideas you disagree with.  I would love to hear opposing viewpoints and considerations I may have failed to address.  I try to view these situations and thoughts from other perspectives, and I might omit these observations from my ramblings, but would welcome those in this forum.

Thought Crime, Part 1

Part 1: prosecution and persecution

I am guilty of downloading child pornography.  I have never tried to deny that fact. I realize that this is reprehensible, and that the models of this industry undoubtedly have undergone horrible physical and mental trauma and abuse.  I contributed to this industry, and to this abuse.  I cannot take that back, but can move forward to understand and mend my karma, my mind, and my soul.

The consequences of this crime; 7 1/2 years in prison, lifetime probation, and lifelong registry as a sex offender, with restrictions on where I can live, where I can go, and what I can do, are predicated on the assumption that I am " incurable" and will or would undoubtedly act out on the fantasies that might have led to downloading such despicable material.  (Disclosure: these images were not of abuse, rape, or any sexual acts.)

Prosecuting and sentencing a person for potential and assumptive behavior is indeed a dangerous path.  One that I wish to explore in this essay.

I realize that many (perhaps most) people "buy into" the prevailing sentiment and media portrayal that a person with child porn (CP) is a sex crazed, evil, and perverted child molester.  That this is not necessarily the case seems to matter little.  Most people have little or no actual connection to these issues and would rather not think about them.  Few are willing to really question or understand the rationality of this assumption.  Even my fiancée --  who observed me interact with my own kids and students, and who claimed to want to marry me -  was unable or unwilling to explore these untrue assumptions.

I know the reality.  I know that might porn addiction led me to some dark places.  As is common with addiction, I needed more and more of my "drug" and explored more extreme content.  The child porn was one example of these extremes.  I am also fully cognizant of the line between imagination and reality.  This line was never in question and one that I would never cross.  I acknowledge that this is not the case for everyone, but those with a lack of awareness between fantasy and reality are, fortunately, the extreme minority.

This is by no means limited to sexual abuse issues.  This minority exists in all of the darker spheres of humanity.  There are serial killers, people who shoot up schools, who kill their own children, who stalk, kidnapped, and torture.  They are truly sick, and truly dangerous to society.  But to make assumptions of one's potential behavior is an extremely slippery slope.  We really don't know who is capable of these atrocities, so where do we draw that line?

I acknowledge that viewing CP is a likely risk factor toward sexual abuse.  The extent of this connection is really not known due to insufficient research.  An interesting article by Rachel Aviv called The Science of Sexual Abuse appeared in the January 14, 2013 issue of The New Yorker.

In this issue, she addresses the " Butner study redux" a 2009 study published in the Journal of Family Violence that is commonly cited by the courts to validate the extreme sentences and restrictions on CP felons.  In the study, 85% of the subjects convicted of child pornography crimes confessed to committing other sex crimes as well, an average of 13 per prisoner.  This study was cited on the Senate floor and five times in the Department of Justice 2010 National Strategy for Child Exploitation Prevention and Interdiction.

Further investigation of the validity of this study by the author led to some startling facts.  The program "required" the patients to "accept responsibility for a life of deviant behavior and thoughts." If they did not admit to such activities, they were accused of being in denial, and would be expelled from the program.  This meant returning to the general population of the prison, where sex offenders are routinely subjected to violence and abuse.

These study subjects later admitted that they just made things up to stay in the program and receive praise from the group.  They made " cheat sheets" in groups with fake names and details to "remember" in therapy.

Michael Setu, a psychiatry professor at the university of Toronto, reviewed the only six studies he could find on this subject and found that the Butner study was a " statistical outlier." The research is inconclusive.

"According to the largest study of released prisoners, conducted by the Bureau of Justice, the re-arrest rate for sex offenders is lower than that for perpetrators of any violent crime except murder." (Aviv) Yet this is the only class of felons with such draconian restrictions.

Now, if we are indeed going to pursue this line of thought, this "strategy of justice" to protect society and especially children from potential abuse, we should be thorough. There is ample research that people abused in their youth are statistically significantly more likely to be abusive themselves.  Should they be placed under restrictions?

I'm sure there is research that shows a correlation between drug use and alcohol abuse with a number of heinous crimes, including those of sexual abuse, so should drug users and alcoholics be on the sex offender registry, for life?

But let's not stop there.  To truly and accurately "predict" one's likelihood for sexual abuse, we must consider other factors as well: How many sexual partners, the age of losing one's virginity, sexual "games" played even prior to puberty would certainly contribute to potential sexual abuses.  We must consider the nature of one's sexual history.  Did they ever experiment with a pet?  Did they have sexual activity with a relative or a step-sibling, at any age?  Have they ever been with multiple partners?  Or used sex as a means of control or for getting what they wanted?

But even this is insufficient, we must also consider the sexual thoughts, fantasies, and imaginings going on in their minds.  Have they ever had "impure", "immoral," or "illegal" thoughts and fantasies?  And what about going to strip clubs?  Are these patrons not more likely to rape or abuse others?  And what of "legal" pornographic habits?  Is looking at legal models dressed up as young schoolgirls less likely to lead to acting out on one's fantasy?  Is this not a similar mental game?  And is looking at porn in general a predictor of potential rape?  If fantasy leads to reality, that's not a ludicrous assumption.

What about the attitudes and environment of one's childhood, particularly toward social expression?  Was it repressive and restrictive or was it permissive and open?  I'm sure both extremes lead to potential sexual inadequacy, and potential sexual abuse.

All of this and more shape our minds and the potential for inappropriate actions.  Ultimately, it's the ability to separate imagination from the reality of acting out.  Ultimately, it's one's conscience, one's knowledge of right and wrong.  How do we measure that?

In my case, the psychosexual history evaluation was an attempt to do just that.  Many of the questions  - well, most of the questions -- I've just addressed were posed to me.  I answered honestly and openly, even when not proud of the answers.  It revealed an extremely low risk (0.05%) of likelihood of inappropriate behavior.  Yet I was sentenced to 2 1/2 years above the five year minimum sentence for a single image of child pornography.  I got life probation on count number two.  I have lifelong registration, unsure of where I can live, what employment I'll be able to get, and even the nature of the relationship with my own children.

I want to be crystal clear that I do not think that collecting child porn is OK, or should be legal, but the consequences should be proportionate to the crime and should be solution, or treatment-based.  Probation, with mandatory counseling is most obvious to me.  I would advocate involvement in a program for understanding the pain and suffering of victims of the sex trade, particularly of child pornography.  A sliding scale restitution fee that contributes  directly to the treatment of both victims and offenders, based on income, seems appropriate and effective.  Imagine the millions of dollars this would save from taxes that go to state prison facilities for these offenders.

The court hurdles and restrictions placed on sex-offender create a lifelong struggle where true rehabilitation and treatment become secondary to pure survival.  Years in prison, exposed to others with questionable decision-making skills, and without any real treatment is certainly not going to help their cause.

I am suggesting that these crimes should not be prosecuted as if there had been actual physical abuse and more importantly without the assumption that there will be.  This way of thinking leads to the "thought crime" mentality I referred to above, and if it were to be expanded to other classes of criminal activity would result in a society that makes Big Brother seem like Ronald McDonald!

Yet at present, this assumption of CP viewing necessarily leading to abusive behavior exists; with the public, with the media, with the courts (and apparently with my ex fiancée).  We need more research, more treatment, less fear, and much more compassion to make things better.

 

Part One:  Intention and Perspective

                I got fired from my job the other day.  I gave one of the maximum security inmates a hit from my cigarette through the cage he was in.  Tobacco is contraband for these inmates, though not for us, so I was "furnishing contraband to an inmate," which is considered a major offense.  What I see as a random act of kindness, is seen by an administration as a conspiracy to incite subversive behavior.  It's all in one's perspective I suppose.

                So I later spoke to the officer in charge of employment, to see about getting another job, but she was less than sympathetic.  "What were you thinking?" ere her exact words.

                Indeed, what was I thinking.  Well, in retrospect the rapid succession of thought that I had at that very moment was something along the lines of this:

                He asked me if I had an extra smoke.  I was cautious, even a bit frightened at first, and said I did not (which was untrue).  He might very well be a murderer, child molester, or some equally heinous type of thug.  Then, he asked if he could have a hit from mine.

                Then I thought, he's another inmate, like me.  He made some poor choices, some mistakes, much like myself.  Perhaps there were extenuating circumstances that nobody believed or even acknowledged.  He may have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, as happens to everyone at one time or another.

                Then I thought how he, as a maximum security inmate, was one of the few people on this planet who had it worse than me.  Nearly 24/7 lockdown, no windows, no natural light, less respect from the officers then even on my yard and far fewer "goodies" than the few we are allowed.

                Then I realized that I was still applying labels.  I was caught up in the same mindset of so many others.  Quite simply, he was a fellow human being, imperfect as we all are, and as such, why not give the guy a drag.  So I passed it through the cage, he took an appreciative drag, it in handed it back and said "thanks".

                The yard captain came around the corner at that very moment and shouted at me not to bother coming back to work tomorrow.  So I have an unexpected "hiatus".  I'm sad I lost my job, as I liked it.  I'm not sad to avoid the multiple strip searches every day and the hours of waiting each week.  I can't, however, regret the piece of my humanity, the compassion, and empathy that led to my "transgression".

                Back to the idea of perspective.  In reality, this truly was a random act of kindness while simultaneously being a subversive and inappropriate action.  It all depends on how you choose to view it.  This illustrates one of the inherent and fundamental problems in the legal system.  In prison, we are discouraged from kindness and compassion by both the institution as well as prevailing prison culture.  And these "opposing" forces are in continued conflict that spirals ever downward.

                In the court system, the emphasis is only on the mistakes that people made, oftentimes dangerous, destructive, and even psychotic, yet they are only a part of our humanity and do not define us completely.  In truth, most are foolish lapses of judgment, often created by adversity, struggle, and ignorance.  Addiction, poverty, lack of education, lack of guidance, and desperation are undoubtedly the leading influences to criminal behavior.  Yet we treat the symptom rather than the cause.

                Then there's the media, which continually sensationalizes the "horror" and tends to skimp on the full story, which perpetuates a climate of fear, segregation, and alienation of the "criminal element" of society.

                I realize that people need security and protection, though I sometimes wonder who we need protection from.  As I gaze down on the run around me, it doesn't seem to be these people.  Is it the guy with whom I shared a cigarette?  I don't know, I don't know him, I couldn't really even see his face well through the cage.  I do know that after I was admonished by the captain, he shouted out to me "Hey man, I'm sorry about that, that was my bad". But it wasn't his bad, it was my good, and I will continue to hold that thought in spite of the attempts to wear down my humanity.

               

Part Two: Humane Solutions

                It was brought to my attention that while I often point out the flaws and foibles of the legal system, I rarely offer up a solution.  Yeah, I know; bitching about things is easy and it's a very complex situation which has a direct causality to the safety and security of society as a whole.  So I realize the gravity of this issue.

                I will present some possible suggestions that could improve the system.  I am not a policymaker, nor do I understand the complexities of budget manipulation.  Though, generally speaking, these ideas would probably save millions in tax dollars in the long run.

                First, I look at the state penitentiary system.  Quite simply, one idea is to replace the prevailing culture of dehumanization and suspicion to one of mutual respect and true rehabilitation. The training of correctional officers could be expanded to include such phrases as "please" and "thank you" when "ordering" us about.  An officer once told me, and I swear I'm not making this up, that in training they are taught to assume that anything an inmate says is a lie.  This is not a path to respect, correction, or rehabilitation. The inmates should also be instructed on the values of mutual respect and politeness.  While there will always be those, on both sides, that will be hard to get through to, most people will be respectful and accommodating when they are treated with respect.  It should be the rule rather than the exception - from both groups. And it must start with administration, as they should set the example.

                Real therapy, counseling, and support groups are absolutely a necessity to rehabilitation.  There are many intelligent, specialized, and even professional inmates in the system that much of this could be done by inmates, especially with incentive programs.  And as a culture of mutual respect develops, it would become easier to establish such programs.

                Also, an encouragement of education and exploration in the arts seems to be essential to healing, growing and above all creating self respect.  Art, music, drama, sculpture, and so on should not be discouraged or prohibited, but should be offered, encouraged, and taught.  Again, much of this could be done by inmates themselves.  There are extremely limited opportunities offered here at present along those lines.  Resources could come, at least in part, from inmates and scholarships and grants could also supplement this.  Perhaps partnerships with arts councils or other organizations could be established and they could identify potential talents and even recoup these investments by selling or saving the work.  Some states have similar arrangements.  A sense of purpose and self worth is absolutely essential to meaningful rehabilitation.

                As far as the court system goes, it seems that GPS and monitoring could be better utilized in the many situations where a perpetrator has no history of violence, like first time offenders, if there is no victim, no aggression and/or no predation.  It seems this would be far cheaper than paying for food, shelter, clothing and Medical Care for thousands and thousands of individuals.  This would greatly relieve the financial burden of those left behind, assuming the convict can secure employment though a shift in societal perspective seems necessary to have success in this area.

                Admittedly, the trick is effective and objective measures toward potential danger, but as I mentioned in previous posts, I went through an extensive psychological evaluation that was pretty much ignored. Judges could be far more creative in assigning sentences that truly address the issues of the defendant, like mandatory social work, volunteerism, court ordered treatment, and restitution toward victims both financial, and if applicable, in other ways as well.  Many in here have court ordered restitution, but this has little meaning when you are incarcerated for years, and if you're able to work, you make 35¢ per hour.

                Perhaps felonious co-ops might have a place in this brave new world of real and effective justice.  It doesn't seem impossible.  I'm not suggesting the expectation that felons around the country will suddenly all join hands and start singing "Kumbaya".  I'm saying there are better ways to deal with crime and criminals.

                This country has a significantly higher percentage of our population behind bars and any other in the world.  In fact, I read that the number of incarcerated Americans exceeds that of all other countries combined!  Why is this so?  Are we more immoral?  More criminally inclined?  I doubt it.  What are other countries or other states doing that are working?  These are things to explore.  Is there a Justice Committee in the House or in the Senate?  If so, what do they do?  If not, why not?

                Finally, how do you change the mindset of the entire country's preconceived notions of crime and criminals?  The media has much to do with this.  How do you curtail their sensationalism and fear mongering without limiting freedom of speech?  What about more balanced reporting?  What about prohibiting media coverage until after a case is decided?  After all, isn't everything before that conjecture?  Innocent until proven guilty has little credit in the news reporting, and does that not influence the supposed impartiality of the justice system?  It has been repeatedly suggested to me that I got more time than most in here, with similar charges, because I was a teacher and because there was media coverage.  How is that an impartial justice based on equality?

                Perhaps the media could give equal treatment to the causes of subversive behavior rather than sensationalizing the threats they pose.  Nowhere is this more evident than the exaggeration of "sex offenders".  Are there really more child abductors, kidnappers, and child molesters lurking behind every bush now then there were 20, 30, or 40 years ago?  When I grew up, this was not really a concern.  Is society that different now, or have we been programmed to believe so?  Does the influence of media actually encourage such deviance, creating self-fulfilling prophecies?  Or if we really are so different now, why is that so?  This is the real story.

                Again, perhaps looking at media and news in other countries might give us insight.  It seems in most other nations, news is more about news without the hype, conjecture, and melodrama. These are but a few ideas toward a newer and more effective way of dealing with crime in society.  As always, I welcome any suggestions, criticism, feedback, or additional ideas that you may have.  Perhaps an improvement is really possible.

Comparisons and Contrast

 

I just finished reading a couple books relating to the Arizona Dept of Corrections.  The first was "Wilderness and Razor Wire" by Ken Lamberton.  He was a teacher in Tucson who was arrested for a sex crime that landed him in prison for 12 years.  The second was "Crossing The Yard" by Richard Shelton, who served as a volunteer teaching creative writing workshops in the Arizona prison system for some 30 years.  Ironically, Lamberton was one of his students.  So obviously, I did some reflecting on the similarities and differences to my own situation and also pondered their thoughts and observations.

I'll start with Lamberton.  Obviously, the whole situation is similar to my own.  His crime was also heavily publicized by the media, and he's gone through many similar experiences as an" ex teacher sex offender." Like myself, he has a strong connection to nature, and much of this book is about plants and animals he observed in his Tucson prison yard.  Obviously, we both have a strong desire to write as an "escape" from confinement.

Lamberton also has a similar outlook on prison to my own.  He writes about " easy time" vs " hard time".  Easy time is retreating from emotions and connections as well as ignoring or resisting one's personal responsibility for one's actions.  Hard time is staring it straight in the face and not blaming others, or the state, as many tend to do.  I acknowledge my tendency to do that at times, though I am questioning policies and attitudes of the system, rather than it being the state's fault that I'm here.  Lamberton and Shelton both share my sentiments on the nonexistent notion of correction or rehabilitation.

Lamberton writes: "It is the difference between discipline and punishment: one looks forward and works toward restoration and health, the other looks backward and tears down, dehumanizes, destroys." It's clear to us both which method the ADC subscribes to.

Shelton, as an observer outside of confinement, had this to say: "it made me increasingly aware of how little the department of corrections cared about programs, rehabilitation, or any of the other fine phrases that were still part of their public rhetoric...  I was reminded, if I hadn't learned the lesson earlier at Florence, that  as far as the department of corrections was concerned, volunteers were shit and educational programs, even those bring their own funding and making the prison look good, were of no importance.  The fewer of them the better."

There are also some big differences between Lamberton's situation and my own.  He had an affair with a 14 year old student, in fact they ran away together.  I never acted on my inappropriate attractions, other than to download pictures.  Another difference, very painful to me, is that not only did his wife not turn him into the police (he was identified by an acquaintance in Colorado), she stayed with him and studied law and worked with the lawyers to get him out after eight years.  She ended up getting hired as a paralegal with the firm she was working with.

Incredibly though, after 18 months of being out, the Arizona Court of Appeals reversed the lower court's decision and he had to return to prison for four more years.

Then, there are situational differences that clearly illustrate the direction of the ADC.  Lamberton wrote about the inmate park and a visitor park, both full of plants and the occasional wildlife.  He caught toads with his kids in visitation.  He wrote about sitting under a tree, playing his guitar, and the 75 pound packages of food that were sent to inmates by their families at holiday time.  There is nothing like this in my incarceration.  I was envious of his "posh" situation.

Then later in the book, as time passes, the trees, plants, and flowers get torn up and the "Parks" get shut down.  The Food Care packages are prohibited, and eventually all sex offenders are declared to be a predatory security threat and cannot go "below" medium security yards.

For a short time he was in my complex, but managed, with the help of his wife, to get shipped back to Tucson, an option no longer available to sex offenders.

I think it might even be worse to have those privileges and lose them, though that DOC continues to chip away at the few privileges that remain.  The all day "food visits" were recently limited to 4 hours.  The list of "acceptable" books and magazines are shrinking exponentially and lock downs and strip searches are more numerous and more thorough.

I realize, of course, there's no purpose in comparing my situation to anyone else's.  Each is unique.  Lamberton's wife is certainly not Jess.  That I think my actions were far less directed toward her or anyone is irrelevant.  Did I hurt her any less?  My situation is my own, and it matters little what I believe about it.

I do get some satisfaction in knowing that both Lamberton and Shelton have made similar observations to my own.  Especially as Shelton was not an inmate, it adds a bit more credibility to my own sentiments that he is not merely whining about his own predicament.  Shelton ends his book with some powerful ideas and suggestions toward the prison system as an entity.

" Over the years, I have grown old while the system spins more and more rapidly out of control, an industry that depends for its energy on the processing of living bodies." He dryly quips about how the "product" of the penal system is a rare recyclable product, and that true treatment programs would reduce the recyclable nature of the product, which is not in the interest of the industry.

He notes, and I wholeheartedly concur, that a fraction of the number of inmates could and should be incarcerated - but in a secure mental hospital, as there are those who are criminally insane and dangerous to society.  But that the majority are neither.

Shelton advocates for people to step up and volunteer at local prisons, to see the real story behind the walls and fences.  Though the institution will resist any attempts at transparency, nevertheless, it's promising to read intelligent published literature on this topic; I thought I'd better grab these books before they are banned as well.

I encourage you to read them and other resources that are based on direct observation or objective data as opposed to media sensationalism or fear mongering political agendas.  Someday, that could be you or someone you love.

Appeal To My Readers

 Thank you to all who have taken the time and effort to read my disjointed observations on a variety of topics.  Especially to those who have made comments to the post, or to me directly and indirectly.  Thank you for your words of support and your feedback.

I would love to hear from more of you.  Are there things which might be unclear to you?  Perhaps I am too accustomed to my surroundings and may need to clarify things.  Are there things you'd like me to elaborate on?  Other questions that I haven't addressed yet?

Perhaps you, or someone you know, has had similar or even opposing experience to my own.  Maybe you think I'm a whiny bitch who deserves everything that has happened and more.  Perhaps you might think I'm being a naive  about some things, or maybe you might agree.  I'd like to know what your thoughts are.

If you know of any other sites or resources that might be related to the topics presented, feel free to share them in this forum.  If you have any research that either concurs with or opposes any of my assertions, I like to know about them.  I'm particularly interested to hear about the situations and conditions of convicts, prisons, and sex offenders in states other than Arizona.

If you know of resources that might contribute to my growth, healing, recovery, and spiritual development, emotionally and psychologically, I'm always welcoming of suggestions.  Perhaps other readers might benefit from these as well.

And by all means, pass this blog URL on to others who might have any interest in the topics presented - even if it's just for them to feel better about their own life situations!  Sometimes it's helpful to have a solid, real - life example of "it could be worse".  I feel this way when I see the conditions of those in the maximum security yard where I work.

If any of my essays are appropriate to any publications, or to other web sites, I give my express permission to share them, though I'd love to know about it.

While my intentions of this blog are to promote awareness and to perhaps help others, it is also very much a form of therapy for myself, and I get little true feedback, counting, criticism, or support in this environment and I would welcome any from you all.

Thank you again and I continue to send thoughts of loving kindness (metta), compassion, peace,  and joy to all of you.

Sincerely,

The Caged Bird