Suicidal Ruminations

OK, so this is a rather depressing topic, but certainly one of significance for myself, and perhaps many others. So I want to share some thoughts and observations. Allow me to start with the assurance that I am not currently having any suicidal ideations, but I want to share some of my past thoughts and experiences as well as some distressing realities of this justice system in relation to this topic.

For a full year following the incident, I had frequent thoughts of taking my life. The first serious brush with this notion was while I was released bail. I attempted, rather foolishly, to reach out to Jess in a moment of drunken depressive delirium, hoping to hear some words of encouragement, hope, or acknowledgment that I was a good human, and that I might be missed by her and others. I was essentially told that I should "do what I had to do." I made a rather feeble attempt to slice my wrists, but couldn't quite go deep enough. Jess later informed me that this call resulted in the first time that she was actually angry at me.

Later, in prison, I worked myself up to the same decision, and I wrote a letter to my sister. I again was unable to work up the courage. I sent the letter to my sister, telling her to disregard it, but I wanted her to know what I was feeling. She was understandably concerned and called someone in the prison system. They explained how I could be put in solitary confinement, stripped of my clothes, and locked down for months if that's what she "wanted." Fortunately, she didn't. That was their only way to deal with potential suicides.

The third time was prompted by my ex-wife cutting off communications with my kids. I wrote letters to her and Jess, essentially blaming them for what I was about to do. I mailed them, and took a month supply of antidepressants and a full bottle of allergy pills. I woke up the next morning, still alive, but rather discombobulated. I at least had the wherewithal to get the letters back from the mailbox. I have thought about what might have been had I succeeded. First and foremost, I think about my kids, well... my first two kids. They are the only ones who would have been really affected in any long-term way. For this reason alone, I'm thankful that I failed. At the time, I was convinced it would be easier in the long run for them to forget about me. I no longer think this is true.

There are few close family members who would have moments of melancholy and perhaps misguided guilt for years to come. For most of my family, and a few (very few) friends, however, there would be an initial and sincere grieving process, but it would not last too long. Then, for some who "know" me and for those who know "of me" (as a vile sex offender and nothing more) there might be relief and a sense of justice ser ved.

The saddest realization of all, though, is that for the only two women that I have ever loved, there would be happiness and relief. What does that say about me as a human being? Is there anything more revealing of a truly pathetic existence than the fact that the only humans you ever loved (romantically) would be better off and happier if you were dead? This is not a mere personal pity party. I'm little more than a lingering annoyance to either of them. I also happen to be the biological father of their children, and this might matter somewhat to my ex wife, as she would have to deal with our kids' grief. But for Jess, it would likely simplify her future, and that of our son, significantly. He's never met me, and she wouldn't have to worry about me wanting to know my son.

This, ironically, is somewhat opposite of the intended rationale of that decision. I wanted them to realize how much they have hurt me. That's a rather pathetic reason, I now realize, but it's also the truth. The other reason, of course, is that this sucks. I'm pleased to say that I am past this, though life is far from rosy.

The way that the Department of Corrections deals with potential suicides is as previously mentioned. The isolation cells are fondly referred to as "feces cells" because they're never cleaned out and reek of shit and piss. This is how they "prevent" suicidal inmates? Anyone who seriously wanted or needed help would never admit to these ideations, in fact, I made sure to not tell anyone that last time. And those who did disclose their desires or thoughts are truly encouraged by those conditions to do so (to commit suicide, that is).

And this problem is hardly finished when inmates, particularly sex offenders, are released. This prison is full of people who have returned here for truly ridiculous violations of their parole and probation. We in here know how little reason, and how much unjust treatment exists "on the outside." I have read about several people who have taken their lives when seeing an "official" knocking on their door. Without knowing why, even knowing that I might be "following the rules" of my supervision, I could very well do the same thing. The "rules" are meaningless in this state, and everyone in here knows it, and I'm certain that most would not want to return, though statistically we may very well do so.

This is yet another significant area that needs truly enlightened and compassionate reform.

Rehabilitation, not!

I once had the naive idea that one of the primary goals of the prison system was rehabilitation. Nothing can be further from the truth. There is not even a precept of a sign of any attempt to help the people in the prisons of Arizona. In my experience, the vast majority of those in here are good people who made mistakes. A mistake that, in most cases, destroys their life forever, putting them beyond care, consideration, hope, or help. I will start with general observations.

First, and tragically, there is extremely limited access to any type of mental health therapy or counseling. Just the experience of prison is enough to obliterate the mental state of even well-balanced human beings. Add to that the fact that many are here because of an already unbalanced mental state, and you have an epidemic of insanity. Psych drugs are prescribed like M&M's and positive, genuine therapy is unheard of.

I made more progress on my personal issues in the month before I was incarcerated with four or five visits to a therapist than the whole year since. And I am making efforts and through reading, support groups, and attempts to get counseling. Many people are unable to do even that.

There are groups for AA, NA (narcotics anonymous), and SA (sexaholics anonymous). Allow me to share my experience with SA. Meetings are held once a week with an outside volunteer. The group is canceled, for one reason or another, about half of the time. In group, which usually has 4 to 6 participants on a yard of 1400 sex offenders, several individuals, including the sponsor, spend time "telling stories" that often have nothing to do with sex addiction.

But wait, it gets better. The library schedule changed so that the only time I could go to the library was during the meetings. Now, there is an evening library, for those unable to attend regular hours. While the SA classes are not that great, I still feel that it's better than nothing, so I applied for "evening library" so I could continue the only thing available for sex addiction on a sex offender yard. I was denied, twice. So I am forced to continue my "therapy" on my own. This shows how the administration views efforts of self-help.

I don't know if the AA and NA classes are as inefficient as this. Nearly all sex offenders are legally required to take classes upon release, which can be after a long time. They used to hold those classes here, but they did not count towards the requirement. Of course, when we get out, we have to pay for those classes, which is why they did not count, I assume.

There are a few mandatory "rehabilitation" classes. I am currently in "cognitive reshaping" - it's a (supposedly) 22 week course. It also was canceled nearly every other week and ended up being a grand total of six classes. There is a "reentry" class that one must take when close to release. Apparently much of the information is completely untrue.

The idea that "prisons create prisoners" is, unfortunately, very true. Without a positive, professional, efficient and frequent opportunities to learn, to heal, to understand, and to investigate the factors contributing to one's choices, inmates must rely on each other as role models, therapists, and as a support network. This results in a scenario of the blind leading the blind. I have never tended toward violence in my entire life, but since I've been here I've had several episodes of wanting to punch people. I have refrained thus far, but it's only a matter of time. (I just asked my neighbor if I could punch him. Why? Because I feel like punching somebody!)

 Without authentic opportunities to create and improve life, academic, and vocational skills, felons will generally go back to a similar lifestyle. And in many cases, like my own, when a previous vocation is not available to a felon, they can "learn" from and be influenced by unsavory opportunities that might previously have never been considered. Most in here lack the strength, intellect, and ambition to make prison an opportunity for growth, healing, learning, or self reflection, which should be a primary goal for the "correctional" institutions of this country.

Education and Rehabilitation in The Cage

I have written a very general overview on these topics of life in the cage, but I'd like to provide more specifics on these two topics. They're very much intertwined in terms of how they can influence the attitudes, perceptions, and opportunities for prisoners. I will start with education, then discuss rehabilitation, then offer general observations.

One of the very few things that the Arizona Department of Corrections is doing well is the general education and GED program. All new arrivals must pass a mandatory exam in math, reading, and writing. It's at around an eighth grade level. Even inmates with advanced degrees must pass these tests, which are given about once a month. So in my case, I had to take "remedial" classes for about three weeks until the test was offered. The "tutors" for the classes are other inmates who must have at least a high school or equivalent education. It goes without saying that there's quite a variety of quality amongst the tutors. When it was discovered that I clearly needed no help on the mandatory tests, I was left to my own devices and also helped out tutoring other students.

After passing the mandatory, an inmate has the choice to take GED classes, if they cannot provide proof of a high school diploma. The GED is strongly encouraged, it provides an increased pay rate and also is required for some jobs and for "higher" education options. An inmate may continue classes as long as it takes to pass all parts of the GED. The same tutors work with these students. The actual teachers in the classrooms (who are not inmates) deal with paperwork, organization, and support for the tutors and students.

The higher education options are much more limited, and considerably less efficient. There are a few classes taught by inmates. On my yard there is music theory, poetry, graphic novel writing (comic books), and more. These are taught by inmates and "come and go" with the teachers. There are long waiting lists for the popular classes. 

And then there is the Central Arizona College (CAC) vocational courses. Each yard has a different course. There is building maintenance (carpentry, plumbing, electrical, HV AC, and etc.) on my yard. There are also cooking, welding, business, and custodial maintenance; each on a different yard.

This is nice, in theory, but there are several issues. First and foremost is the inefficiency that pervades most everything in the DOC. We are in class five hours a day, and of that time only one hour is actual teaching time. The content is limited to key ideas and much is omitted. Also, the classes are canceled frequently.

Another problem is that assignment to a yard is random. Rather than attempting to match an inmate's aptitude or interest, an inmate has only the option that is available on their yard. This is motivationally inefficient.

Finally, inmates may take correspondence courses, provided they are able to pay for them. There are some scholarships available, but theoretically, only if you do not already have a college degree. But an even bigger issue than this is the fact that courses cannot have any online component, which is virtually unheard of in this day and age. The prison system must acknowledge and utilize the technology of the times. While I'm certain that security is an issue, there are many safeguards that would prevent abuse of this technology.

Prison Efficiency

On this, my last day in the building maintenance course, I had a typically interesting morning. The general rule of thumb is that we are supposed to be "called out" for school, work, chow, meds, and whatnot. For some reason, they rarely ever call out my CAC building class. So I have devised several ways to "escape" from my run and get to class on time. Well, as usual, I got out this morning and was at the gate between yards to go to class. The cantankerous cop asked where I was going, and I told her.  

"They haven't called you out yet," she said to me.

"They never call us out," said I.
"Yes they do, if you would just wait in your run, you would hear them, now get back home and wait until you are called."

"Yes ma'am," I said.

Of course, they didn't call. By this time I was late, and I asked the CO in my run if we had class. Twice. He couldn't be bothered to pick up his radio and ask. Eventually, breakfast was called, so I went back up to the gate. I asked the same cantankerous cop if there was CAC. She did bother to pick up a radio, this time, and call to the class.

"Did you call for CAC?" she asked.

"Negative," came the crackly response.

"Is a teacher there, are there students there?"

"Affirmative," came the reply.

So she gave me a dirty look, and said "wait by the fence," as if I were the one who messed up. she made no apology or even acknowledgement that she had sent me back, telling me that they "always" call for class.

I got through the fence, but of course the classroom area was locked, so I waved through the window. Eventually, the instructor shuffled out and gruffly said "would you explain why you're half an hour late?" So I punched him. 

Oh, wait, that was just my fantasy. I explained, he let me in, and then the TA said, "good thing you're here, otherwise I'd have to giving you a zero"-- meaning 0 hours for zero "pay". Then I asked him if I could take my final exam. "No, we are getting sent home in a few minutes." And we were.

So, on the plus side, I will get paid my 75¢ for the day, but on the minus side, I have to go through all of it again… tomorrow.

Prison Economics

In previous posts, I have mentioned how the prison system is dictated by economics rather than any desire to rehabilitate prisoners or even to protect society. I would like to illustrate by giving some examples of prison economics. Please realize that I have very little access to any research materials, particularly those regarding prison policies; these are very much censored, but I both challenge and encourage you to do any facts checking or research that you like and feel free to point out any errors.

First, and most obvious, is the fact that states are given funding per prisoner by the Federal government. This is in addition to any state taxes designated toward the prison system. These funds are ostensibly to cover the costs of facilities, like housing, food, medical care, clothing, and other "necessities". Following this money trail would be an interesting endeavor. These are the "costs" most commonly associated with the prison system.

There is a whole other world of economics also depended on or influenced by this institution. Employment is amongst the most significant of these. The entire community of this small town in Arizona is completely dependent on the several prison complexes is located here, it is fair to say that the town would probably not exist without state prison.

The indirect economics are even more far reaching. There is first, the exorbitant bail bond percentages. While in county jail, I tried to use the "bail bond ATM" that took an immediate 10% of the transaction. In my case this would have been $500, poof - up in smoke. Fortunately, I was unsuccessful and had to sit in jail until my sister posted bail, without this fee, as she paid cash, in person.

These, and other transaction fees, are a part of every money exchange. Any money sent to me in prison has a 1% fee taken off. Western union or other money wiring services also tack on additional fees. When considering the thousands of inmates in Arizona alone, that is big money.

The telephone system might be the biggest money scam going. For in - state calls, it costs about $6.00 for 15 minutes. That's whether the inmate pays or the call's receiver pays. Out - of - state calls are around $10.00 for 15 minutes. Those with cell phones (which is almost everyone now) must set up an account and pay a service fee of $5.00 every time they add money to this account. This is obscene when one considers that some phone plans are $10.00 or less for unlimited calling per month!

Then there's the "store" operated by an outside vendor. A package of ramen soup is 59¢ at present. Grocery stores might sell 10 for $1.00. Soft drinks are $1.50 for a bottle, candy bars $1.15. These prices are similar to those one might find in a convenience store, but we have no other options. If a loved one sends us a care package, they pay a $5.00 fee for an order up to $40.00 (that's the maximum) regardless of the amount spent. This is more than 12% at best!

We have several "fundraisers" throughout the year for pizza, or Sam's Club, burritos or whatnot. The price to the inmate is double the cost to the general public, with 50% going to some charity. I believe this is a nice gesture, but one must consider that if an inmate is able to get a job, they will earn from 20¢ to 45¢ per hour.

Funding is also generated for programs such as anger management, drug or alcohol abuse, job training, and GED education. Again, this is not a bad thing but it is curious that these programs are frequently canceled, often run much shorter than their allotted duration, and are repeated with different names. I suspect that the funding comes in regardless of whether or not the class runs its course.

Here in Arizona, visitors must pay a "background check" fee of $25.00 to be allowed to see their loved ones. That's a lot of money considering the number of inmates in the state. Never mind that for an economically struggling single parent, this could be prohibitive, preventing spouses, families, and even parents and kids from being allowed to see each other. I'm sure that there are many who feel that inmates should not have any of these "benefits." This is not the point at hand. There are a number of people and companies that depend upon this captive population to generate revenue, and this puts pressure on legislators and politicians to appease those with a monetary interest in the system. This requires a stream of prisoners with long sentences, paroles and probations with some ludicrous requirements, a violation of which will send them back into the system. To give just a single example I know and 80 year old man who is here because he was two days late in registering his address after moving a few miles away. This is an all too common scenario, but that's not important, keep the money rolling in!