Love sick, heartbreak, self pity prattle

More blogs! I'd like to attribute this spate of prolific activity to an unbridled enthusiasm for our new blog. And while that is in fact true, there's also the darker reasons that nobody else is writing to me, and I'm still (always) consumed with thoughts of Jess and all that went down. I have written so much on this "topic" already, as you will discover ad nauseam, but I wanted to attempt to summarize my thoughts into a single essay. As you can see, I failed miserably in that, and ended up with a trilogy the still barely scratches the surface.

I just have far too much floating around my brain to adequately presented. I have brief periods where I can still the "monkey mind," but they are few and far between. I am just now, as I write this, thinking of this whole aspect on Jess that I omitted: my "delicate flower in a suit of armor" theory.

But I don't want this blog to turn into lovesick, heartbreak, self pity blathering.

I really am a rather pathetic waif. I have noticed that while I have asked repeatedly if you agreed that I'm foolishly naive, you have skillfully avoided comment on the subject. Fair enough I suppose. It really only matters to me. I shouldn't need validation or repudiation from others. While I realize that this is merely another aspect of the impermanent nature of phenomenon, and that only this present moment exists, this present moment is in a prison and the lack of understanding of it all is a never ending itch that cannot be scratched! And that is a part of the present moment's sensation. Ugh.

So, one of the many reasons I fell in love with Jess is her amazing strength of character. Though I came to realize that while certainly a very strong woman, she had a soft and sensitive side that was really hard to get through to. I called her a "delicate flower in a suit of armor". I attributed this to the traumatic experiences in her past - a rape in her teens and an abusive boyfriend later in life. She fled this relationship literally fearing for her life. She also fled an engagement only a year or so before when we got together. I realize now that this pattern might not be entirely due to how she was treated. I wonder if she tells the same tales about me, and while I know I caused her pain and suffering, it was only indirect, based on past misdeeds and not in how I treated her.

She also mentioned that she tried to call me once, after "the incident" in a "moment of weakness". She said something similar about a tender comment about missing and loving me in our brief phase of communication. While I don't want to assume, it seems clear that strength for her is concealing things and running away rather than confronting the situation or communicating. I am precisely the opposite and have continued to share my thoughts, feelings, and declarations of love. I imagine this makes me particularly weak and foolish in her estimation. We often joked about my "sappiness".

One of the things that I see in here that can really get me down is when an inmate's significant other stands by and supports the inmate through this awful process. Sometimes it's similar charges, sometimes what I would consider much worse. Not only did Jess not stand by me, she actually instigated this. I mean, I'm happy for the inmate but I'm also envious. I wonder, is this foolish naiveté or real love? Probably it's both, perhaps that's part of love.

Yet it's not that I expect reciprocation, but I'd like at least communication. I wonder if my inability to let go is due to a fear of being like the "tin man" without a heart, encased in a metal shell. This is a metaphor Jess once stated she identified with. Maybe I fear if I let go of my love and compassion, "nothingness" will take its place.

I believe, however, that honesty and truth when confronting difficulties is not weakness. This strategy, regretfully, has not turned out well in either of my serious relationships. It also contributed to this prison sentence, but I still think it's the way to go. Perhaps I must be truthful in moderation, as the "middle way" of Buddhism suggests.

Comments and questions are welcome.

And justice for all?

In order to reveal some of the broken aspects of the justice system, I'd like to share some of the experiences in my legal sojourn.

In my case, I took a plea for two charges, one had a mandatory sentence of 5 to 10 years in prison, the other was 5 to 15 years but had probation available. In preparing for my case, the prosecutor had presented evidence that was inconsistent at best, and blatantly untrue at worst. I pointed this out to my lawyer, who basically dismissed it as "unimportant." Well, as it turned out, this was not only the primary factor, but the only factor that the judge cited in the "partially mitigated" sentence of 7.5 years.

There was a long list of mitigating factors, including the lack of criminal history, my work in the community, my remorse, and my network of supportive family and friends, and a psychological exam showing little risk to act out. The aggravating factor was the number of images – which was unsubstantiated. The "evidence" was a computer program that looked through the computer to find " known or suspected" examples of potential child porn. The prosecution cited them all as confirmed examples, and suggested that perhaps there were more, with no evidence to back that claim.

So I submitted an appeal with the assistance of a public defender. I did not and do not claim innocence in the charges. But I maintained that the "aggravating" factor was not accurate. Well, the public defender also omitted this in the appeal and took a different approach.

The amazing and incredulous aspect of this, however, is that the only people to look at and decide on this "appeal" were the very same prosecutor and the very same judge that sentenced me in the first place. So in an attempt two points out any bias, inconsistencies, or mistakes in judgment, the decision falls to the very same people who are suspected or accused of those deficiencies. Will, needless to say, they disagreed and denied my appeal. I don't know about you, but it seems to me that the whole purpose of an appeal is to provide a new objective perspective on a case as a means of checks and balances. I'm sure it comes as little surprise that a minuscule number of cases are ever granted any form of relief in this process.

I am now on the journey of having the state court of appeals view my case, but I must do so without legal representation. I'm on my own. This difficulty is greatly exacerbated by the fact that I have extremely limited access to legal resources in our library. The few resources that are available are in high demand and library hours are extremely limited. These resources are also written in a "legal speak" designed for a knowledgeable attorney. The Arizona Dept of Corrections maintains that this scenario satisfies the constitutional rights of inmates to have access to legal material.

So overall, I am far from optimistic as to the outcome of my legal journey. I have learned much and continue to study about the legal system. I once thought that the objective was to give a defendant a fair and balanced trial. I have learned that there are a myriad of obstacles to that end. In my current appeals process, I am significantly limited to what objections or facts can be raised based on previous trials. I have also learned there are a number of statutes and policies that protect a prosecutor from a potential "wrongdoing."

I should also point out that the defendant has significantly more options if they do not sign a plea bargain, yet the system will apply significant pressure to take a plea. In my case, I was looking at 100 to 300 years if I went to trial and lost. The plea appears to be a "no brainer," but I implore anyone in a legal battle to seek resources and information aside from the lawyer's counsel. In my situation, I believe it made sense, and I know I was guilty, but be aware of the limitations it provides. Above all, do not trust the system to make any attempts to do anything on your behalf. This system wants you to be charged, to generate more income for the state, and to boost statistics as to what a fine job they are doing to protect society. The truth is not important.

This is not merely a "sour grapes" whiny lamentation of my personal situation. I see these scenarios again and again, and have heard similar sentiments from legal representatives, probation officers, pretrial case managers, and in several research articles and publications. I think it's important that people realize this reality, and I hope none of you or your loved one's ever has to go through such a process.

An Electrifying Entry

I'm "currently" studying electrical theory, circuits, and diagrams in my building maintenance course. This prompted me to come up with an analogy to my present situation.

I frequently think about how and why Jess "put me" in this horrible situation. But do I really have any right to put any blame on her, whatsoever? Isn't this all really my own fault? Well here is a "current" thought. (Ha ha!)

It's kind of like a three way switch. In my past, completely unrelated to, and independent of, Jess, I made a horribly poor choice. I flipped the switch on which allowed power to flow through to the second switch. Jess had complete control of that second switch, and for reasons I have yet to understand, she threw the switch that led to the destruction of my life.

Her choice was completely independent of my own, yet I provided that power to her, the power to destroy. She decided to do so without hesitation and without investigating the source or the nature of that power, and perhaps without considering the long-term effects. Though by her admission, it seems that she had considered the implications and destruction that would result. It is what it is.

She once told me she felt that there were no "good" choices in this situation, and that is very true. Though for the life of me I can't see how there could have been a worse outcome. Not only for me, as I "made my bed" so to speak, but also for my kids, our new son, and really my entire family. It seems that this was also the worst outcome for Jess herself. Had she not gone to the police, I could have provided both financial and emotional support to her and to our son. While probably unrealistic, there could have been a slight possibility of "reconciliation" of sorts between us. I sometimes wonder if that had something to do with her decision, that it was a way to prevent any chance of reconciliation, by removing me from the equation. She could not be tempted to "try again" in any way, shape, or form. Perhaps I flatter myself to think this way.

I'm sure that she realized that I would seek another chance – I said as much several times. Maybe she feared I would turn into a stalker. And while I certainly would have tried to make things work, I also know that I would have (and will) be respectful of her decisions, whether or not I understand or agree. I truly feel that there were better ways, but that means very little now and I have no influence on her choices. I do confess that I hope she might someday see this, and while it won't change the past, it might lead to more peace and communication between us.

Maybe I've hurt her too deeply for that to ever occur. She did once state that she knew I did not act "against" her. I sometimes feel, though, that are acts were directed "against" me, and perhaps justifiably so, but I wonder if she thinks of it that way.

A mutual friend once wrote that she thought neither of us could have hurt the other intentionally, yet I struggle to understand that. Had it been a truly emotional reaction to events, which I can completely understand, then yes I could see that. But based on her extremely brief and shallow communication on that subject, that doesn't seem to be the case.

Maybe she's still in an emotionally reactive state. Perhaps I am as well, and I know that I am, but I think I've considered things long and hard, from many angles and perspectives. While I'd like to say that I'm being objective and equanimous, I realize that there is an "I" in that statement and sentiment. Perhaps this is one reason that I desperately seek feedback, validation, or challenge from others.

So there are some current thoughts on power. It's quite an electrically charged idea! I should sit and meditate on the "ohm", and go with the flow. You know, try to see the light and be one with the source. After all, we are all connected, wired together. I must accept the shocking reality of my situation. And with that I will open the circuits and power down.

Love, Loss and Life Lessons: Part Three, Life Lessons

So for the past year here in prison I have been consumed by thoughts of this whole affair. I recognize the futility of fixating on the "could have, should have, would have been" scenarios, and while they do cross my mind frequently that's not what causes the most pain. I know that I can't change what happened, so while I do sometimes think of the "what if," that also is not so debilitating. The worst part of all is just plain not understanding.

For a long time I was caught up in the whole "how could she do this when I loved her so much, when I showed her nothing but kindness, support, and my entire heart and soul" idealism. I realize, though, that this doesn't really matter. My feelings for her have little to do with her actions or her feelings toward me. Then, there was the "how could someone who truly loved me do such a thing to destroy my life and put my kids and my family through such difficulties?" Well, that one was a little harder to digest but, obviously, she didn't really love me. I believe that she thought she did when she agreed to marry me. Perhaps her view of love is not the same as mine. I think that "true love" is unconditional, but this is really quite rare. I have only experienced it once in my life. I loved my ex-wife, but it wasn't really the same.

So if love is unconditional, then I should still feel it. That's one of the other big problems. I do. But I feel like it's extremely foolish and perhaps even weak to continue to love someone who has literally destroyed my life. I know that many would say that I destroyed my life, not anyone else. I acknowledge my mistakes, and the fact that I was over and done with them doesn't eliminate my accountability. But turning me in to the police was the most damaging course of action to all parties involved. My kids are suffering both emotionally and economically. I'm unable to contribute anything to my new son, which I would have done regardless of where he is. And even when I get out I will struggle with probation and then sex offender restrictions, forever.

I do go through periods of anger towards Jess, but more so at myself. Really there's little anger over all. There is mostly sadness and frustration. I just feel like it's so unresolved. I know I'm in prison for years to come but that's not the resolution to which I am referring. I still harbor fantasies or illusions that Jess will realize she made a huge mistake. I know I made a huge mistake, I immediately admitted it (albeit a little too late) and offered to seek therapy with or without her. I thought that love was mutual support, in good times and bad, sickness and health, including mental and emotional sickness. I guess that, too, is naive.

I know that Jess has been through traumatic experiences -- this whole thing being but one of them -- and they no doubt have influenced her greatly. It seems like we could have healed, rehabilitated, and grown stronger supporting each other. But that's just another "could have".

I've come to accept that I cannot control anyone else's thoughts, feelings, or actions. I must accept that I cannot be the father that I had hoped to be, but I am still a father who cares deeply for his kids. I have learned to accept that, while I might think that something should happen because it is "right" or "just" (like Jess sharing information with me about our son)- that doesn't mean that it will happen. I realize that I can only do what I believe is proper, to love and care for my children and Jess unconditionally, and I cannot expect anything in return. And that is what unconditional love means.

I would welcome any thoughts on this topic.

Love, Loss and Life Lessons: Part Two: Loss

A few months later, it happened. She found images of child porn that I was attempting to delete from my computer. Being with Jess had awakened me from my karmic pattern of abuse and despondency and I was truly putting those things behind me. She exploded with fear, rage, and confusion and I was unable to speak to her. She left the next day, with my computer and external drive.

I decided to be completely honest and I sent an e-mail confessing my porn addiction and fascination with younger girls' images. I told her that this was over, due in large part to my love for her. She did not reply. I never considered the possibility that she would turn this over to the cops. I was only worried about losing her. I tried to explain myself honestly and respectfully, asking that she just talk to me. All to no avail.

Had I lied, or even maintained silence, I would not have been sentenced so harshly. Those letters provided evidence beyond a shred of doubt that I was guilty. She had gone to the police a week after she left, but I would not know that for some time.

The only communications from her in the first few months were "leave me alone" and "please pay for the patio, as I will never see or use it." Neither would I. Eventually she sent a long scathing letter about how horrible I was, that our romance was a sham, and hopefully, now that my secret was out, I would not act on my horrible perversions.

It was obvious to me that she made many assumptions without any attempt to believe or discover the underlying realities. Yes, I had these pictures, but they did not define me whatsoever. I had hoped that perhaps she was still extremely emotional from the discovery and pregnancy and not really able to see past that. Maybe in time that would change. We eventually resumed communication, but she would not really talk about why she went to the police and what happened in the weeks after her discovery. She did ask for more of an explanation from me as to how, why, and what was going on. I wrote her, asking her to promise it would not go to the police. It seems she kept her word on that.

She claimed she hoped I'd have a place in our son's life. She expressed a desire to remain friends. She slipped up once and claimed to love and miss me. But she would not really explain. I didn't press, as she was pregnant and I had caused more than enough stress for her and our baby already.

I went to jail and wrote her often. She did not reply, but allowed me to call her. Our son was born in November 2011. I got to hear him cry and coo on the phone. I was shipped to prison in December 2011. I continued to write to Jess and our son. I began to ask some questions, as the baby had been born and I thought she might be ready to communicate. I have not heard a word from her yet. I have offered to pay for a flight to Arizona, so I could see my son and talk to her as well. She had expressed that this was possible while I was in county jail, but I have heard nothing since. I sent Christmas money and some little gifts to her and our boy. I don't know if she got them. I continue to write to them both, though mostly to my son these days. His first birthday is just around the corner.

Love, Loss, and Life lessons: Part One: Love

In the past year and a half, I have experienced imprisonment, loss of job and career, loss of my home, public humiliation, and extremely limited access to my children. But none of these have caused as much pain and suffering as losing the love of my life and our boy. There's so much I don't understand, and it still hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. I continue to shed tears, almost daily, over the pain, confusion, and heartbreak of this loss.

First, a brief overview of the whirlwind courtship -- slightly shorter than the relationship itself. After my divorce, I retreated from any real efforts to court women. I was hurt, mistrustful, scared, and lacking in confidence. I took care of my "needs" via computer porn, including - but by no means limited to - underage images. I was in a karmic pattern of spiritual and emotional abuse. I also settled into a "complacency of contentment," doing what I needed to do to care for my kids and to provide for my family, but little more. I was not unhappy, but I was not particularly joyful either. I gained weight and really did not take great care of myself.

I first met Jess through her brother (my now ex-best friend). That was shortly after my divorce, but my attraction was immediate. I sensed a strength and life spirit that was vibrant and beautiful. The physical attraction was also very strong. But she was off to Central America, and nothing developed. I saw her only one other time in the next few years, and the feelings and attraction were still there. We danced at a concert together and I felt sparks, but it was a brief visit and again nothing developed.

Her brother planned to a trip to visit her in Honduras and asked if I wanted to go. I was wavering until he mentioned that Jess was single and really wanted me to visit. I began a campaign to lose weight in the months leading up to the trip. I was cautiously optimistic. We hooked up the very first night, though I was embarrassingly unable to "rise" to the occasion. That pattern continued a full week. She initially took it as a lack of physical or sexual attraction. Nothing could have been further from the truth. If anything, I may have been "over eager", though I'm sure my years of pornographic dependency was also a factor. In only a few days, I realized I was in love, and reluctantly confessed this to her. We spoke of possibilities. She asked if I wanted more kids, something that she needed and wanted in a relationship. I was hesitant at first -- I was over 40! -- but realized I could see myself raising a child with her, and loving it.

We kept in contact via Facebook and phone and I visited again a couple months later. It was beautiful, magical, and incredible, at least for me. My previous problem was over, and we really connected on many levels. She tried out the words "I love you" because she ”just wanted to say it". We shared deep vulnerabilities and flaws. I admitted my attraction to "schoolgirl" porn, but not the whole story. I expressed a concern about real communication in difficult times, as it was a large contributing factor to my divorce. Jess assured me that we would talk about problems.

We had a foundation for a relationship and she eventually came to Arizona to try things out. It was really quite glorious. My kids loved her, I loved her, and I thought that she loved me. We spent many nights talking, drinking, and smoking, planning a life together. Three more years of teaching and my retirement would be "matched"...then a life between Arizona, the Carolinas, and Honduras...we brainstormed business ideas and dreams. I'd lost some 35 pounds by then. I proposed in a drunken delirium, and she accepted. I fashioned an engagement ring out of a wire from a cork-top beer bottle cap. I had never been so truly happy or so truly in love in my life.

She went back to Honduras, wrapped up her life there, and moved to Arizona for good. I did notice a slight change, which I attributed it to the "honeymoon" phase being over. Also, she was working in a new job and then very quickly she was pregnant. We were both thrilled! We began a patio extension to my small home to create more space and a "jungle" room for Jess and the baby, as the dry desert was a tough change for her. Things were still good, but there were some stresses of reality and security. Her libido had diminished in pregnancy, and we were just surviving financially.