Love, Loss and Life Lessons: Part Three, Life Lessons

So for the past year here in prison I have been consumed by thoughts of this whole affair. I recognize the futility of fixating on the "could have, should have, would have been" scenarios, and while they do cross my mind frequently that's not what causes the most pain. I know that I can't change what happened, so while I do sometimes think of the "what if," that also is not so debilitating. The worst part of all is just plain not understanding.

For a long time I was caught up in the whole "how could she do this when I loved her so much, when I showed her nothing but kindness, support, and my entire heart and soul" idealism. I realize, though, that this doesn't really matter. My feelings for her have little to do with her actions or her feelings toward me. Then, there was the "how could someone who truly loved me do such a thing to destroy my life and put my kids and my family through such difficulties?" Well, that one was a little harder to digest but, obviously, she didn't really love me. I believe that she thought she did when she agreed to marry me. Perhaps her view of love is not the same as mine. I think that "true love" is unconditional, but this is really quite rare. I have only experienced it once in my life. I loved my ex-wife, but it wasn't really the same.

So if love is unconditional, then I should still feel it. That's one of the other big problems. I do. But I feel like it's extremely foolish and perhaps even weak to continue to love someone who has literally destroyed my life. I know that many would say that I destroyed my life, not anyone else. I acknowledge my mistakes, and the fact that I was over and done with them doesn't eliminate my accountability. But turning me in to the police was the most damaging course of action to all parties involved. My kids are suffering both emotionally and economically. I'm unable to contribute anything to my new son, which I would have done regardless of where he is. And even when I get out I will struggle with probation and then sex offender restrictions, forever.

I do go through periods of anger towards Jess, but more so at myself. Really there's little anger over all. There is mostly sadness and frustration. I just feel like it's so unresolved. I know I'm in prison for years to come but that's not the resolution to which I am referring. I still harbor fantasies or illusions that Jess will realize she made a huge mistake. I know I made a huge mistake, I immediately admitted it (albeit a little too late) and offered to seek therapy with or without her. I thought that love was mutual support, in good times and bad, sickness and health, including mental and emotional sickness. I guess that, too, is naive.

I know that Jess has been through traumatic experiences -- this whole thing being but one of them -- and they no doubt have influenced her greatly. It seems like we could have healed, rehabilitated, and grown stronger supporting each other. But that's just another "could have".

I've come to accept that I cannot control anyone else's thoughts, feelings, or actions. I must accept that I cannot be the father that I had hoped to be, but I am still a father who cares deeply for his kids. I have learned to accept that, while I might think that something should happen because it is "right" or "just" (like Jess sharing information with me about our son)- that doesn't mean that it will happen. I realize that I can only do what I believe is proper, to love and care for my children and Jess unconditionally, and I cannot expect anything in return. And that is what unconditional love means.

I would welcome any thoughts on this topic.