Tribute to Mom

My mother passed away on Wednesday, April 22^nd, 2015. The following essay is from a eulogy I wrote to be read at her funeral.

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               Mom was an incredibly loving, generous, selfless and giving woman.  Her greatest joy and passion in her life was her family.  She was never more alive or content than when she was surrounded by family, be it we kids, her sisters, her parents, or her grandchildren. This was when she was at her absolute all-time best.

               When her kids grew up and moved out, and after she and Dad separated, she never really fully recovered. That, combined with her recurring health issues of hepatitis C and diabetes, meant Mom really struggled for a very long time. I truly hope she has found peace at last.

               Mom put so much time and energy into helping others. First and foremost was her family, but this selflessness extended to everyone.  She was the first in our family to obtain a Master's degree -- in social work, of course. She threw herself completely into her work with troubled families and at-risk kids.

               In the years to come, many of us implored her to turn that loving, caring energy toward herself, but it was something she was unable to do.  Perhaps one of her biggest flaws, if it can be called that, was that she was too selfless.

               Throughout my life, Mom's unconditional love and concern for her kids was never in question, sometimes to our dismay, as she could be smothering at times.  She was involved in nearly every aspect of our lives in one way or another - an active member of PTA, an ever-present cheerleader at our many sports events, and she even made the long drive to Boston because I had a minor part in a college play.

               Though she and Dad never had a lot of money (they were both social workers), she spent all she had and more on Christmas gifts and birthday presents.  I recall how my brothers and I convinced our sister to continue the ruse that she believed in Santa, lest we stop getting such awesome presents. We should have known better, for long after the jig was up, Mom made sure that Christmas never lost its magic. Even when we were "adults", Mom made sure there were a few cool toys that we could play with.   

               She would rarely engage in the shenanigans and tomfoolery that were ever-present when we all got together, but there was always a gleam in her eye and a smile on her face while she rebuked us for such high jinks.   On the rare occasions when we could coax her to join in, it was pretty clear why she resisted, as she possessed neither coordination or grace in abundance, but that just made it all the more entertaining and endearing.

               Mom was a real trooper as well. She would embark on any adventure, so long as it led to time with her family.  From gypsy caravans to Florida, to the Canadian Rockies, from Mexican beaches to Japan, Mom would do anything to be with her family.

               I miss Mom so very much, it hurts me deeply that I was unable to be there with her or for her these past several years, but it wasn't by  design.  But I'm so very thankful for all that Mom has given me, taught me, and done for me. She was a model for unconditional love, kindness, compassion, generosity, honesty and selflessness. I've tried to practice these as a teacher, as a father, and most of all as a human.

Keeping Busy, with Purpose

A few months ago, I completed my correspondence course for paralegal certification and I was wondering what to do with myself next. Since then, a number of interesting opportunities have presented themselves to keep me busy in body, mind, and spirit.  I thought I'd share them with you.

First, I was introduced to Samir (Not his real name), a Saudi Arabian citizen who was arrested while studying English after only a few months in Flagstaff, AZ. So now, I'm giving him English lessons as he is barred from any educational programs offered to inmates due to his citizenship.  In exchange, I get to practice my Arabic with him. I enjoy teaching him, though it's a painful reminder that I'm a teacher at heart, a skill and gift that I may never be able to utilize again as an ex-felon sex -offender with lifetime probation.

Through him, I met Amr (not his real name), a political refugee from Sudan, one of the "lost boys," who rather lost himself in the incredible diversity and "debauchery" of this country, so unlike anything he had ever experienced before.

I've been "editing/translating" some of this writing, as his English is not particularly strong. It's been incredibly moving to read about his difficult journey, his dream of escaping the violence, hatred, and genocide of the Sudan, and his incredible joy and relief at the opportunity to go to America, fulfilling a dream. Then, to be caught up in the U.S. Justice system with little understanding of the system, few resources, and little support and to find himself locked up in an Arizona prison, possibly for life, for a crime he did not commit.

Then there's Larry (yeah, not real) who I'm helping with an appeal on his case. Larry is an older guy (mid-50's) who was a civil engineer with a pretty nice life. He drunkenly exposed himself in proximity of a group of people. He signed a plea agreement with an expectation of 1.5 years of prison and a term of probation, the recommended sentence of pre-trial services. The judge, upon the recommendation of the prosecution, aggravated both counts to two years, to be run consecutively, to each be followed by lifetime probation, giving him four years and two lifetime probations. (This two lifetime probation is a common ploy in Arizona, as released felons were choosing to return to prison  to avoid the lifetime probation, to "kill their number".  It didn't really work, as many still do.) We're trying to get the sentence reduced, and to run concurrently, as the sentences are dependent on one single action. The aggravating factor was "harm to the victims".

Finally, I met Keoni (this is his real name – he wanted me to use it), who heard i was trying to start a peer counseling program here, due to the incredible lack of services offered for therapy or counseling. Keoni has been working with members of the Integral Theory and Integral Life Practice community.

Integral Theory, developed by Ken Wilber, "makes sense of how all the worlds' knowledge systems...fit together and can elevate our awareness  Drawing on science, psychology, human development, spirituality, religion, and dozens of other fields, Integral Theory is a frame work for understanding ourselves and the work we live in." For more information, visit www.integral-life-practice.com.)

Keoni has been studying and working on Integral practices for several years and was asked to write an article for The Journal of Integral Theory and Practice.  Cindy Lou Golin, a prominent member of the Integral community, received a grant to create an "Integral Inmate" peer education program in the hopes of creating a framework for personal growth for inmates, led by and for inmates, with the support of the Integral community.

Anyway, Keoni asked for "coaching" in his writing and has shared loads of interesting and powerful ideas, articles, and books so that I can better understand this concept.  Anything that increases my knowledge and elevates my state is of value to me.

So these are some of the ways I have given my life meaning and purpose in a difficult environment, along with the essays that I share with you.