Daddy's in Prison

 Daddy's in prison - my sweet little one
He's doing OK - but it's not so much fun.

The days are so long - and really quite boring
The nights are quite loud - because of the snoring.

Your dad is in prison - he made some mistakes
He'll make it up to you - whenever it takes.

Be good - do your work - and do what you should
You know he'd be with you - if only he could.

Your dad is locked up - it's not as bad as it seems
Because you're always with him - in thoughts and in dreams.

He'd rather be with you - to play and have fun
And he certainly will - when all this is done.

Yes, daddy's in prison, but kids do not fear
He's still in your heart - year after year.

He made some mistakes - but he's not a bad man
He'll get stronger and better any way that he can.

Daddy's in jail and it seems like he's gone
But he will return so you have to stay strong.

It seems so unfair that this happened to you
But don't you lose hope - whatever you do.

Daddy's in prison - it's still not the end
He's there with you own - when you need a friend.

No matter what happens - or what people say
He loves you and thinks of you every day.

Your dad is away and sometimes that's rough
Because your time with him is never enough. 

Don't make his mistakes - don't think about crime
It's not worth what you lose for a very long time.

Your father's in prison - for you he still cares
Your pictures and stories are things that he shares.

He's so proud of you- and all you achieve
Don't give up on him - you have to believe.

Your dad is not with you - you have to be strong
Until you're in his arms - which is where you belong.

One day, he'll get out - and that day will be grand
For you and your dad will then walk hand in hand.

Non-communication and Misunderstanding

 

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the events and conversations that transpired between Jess and I in Honduras, the second trip. This was a fact finding mission to discover if our relationship was real, and might have a chance to blossom into something significant.

We had true, meaningful, and in-depth communications on who we thought we were, what we wanted in life, and in a partner, and most of all what we considered to be our weaknesses, flaws, and insecurities. I see now, in hindsight, that nearly everything that transpired was revealed, albeit indirectly, in those conversations. Yet neither of us were willing, or able, to see the signs.

Jess had repeatedly commented that I seemed "perfect" - a claim that I vehemently denied. In my mind, my pornographic compulsions we're certainly among my many imperfections. I told Jess about the "schoolgirl" fetish I had, but withheld the extent and the details.

She revealed several traumatic episodes in her life that have contributed to her "suit of armor" and a fear or unwillingness to commit to a relationship. She even went so far as to ask if I was truly willing and able to take on that baggage. My naiveté reply was to "bring it on." Famous last words, so to speak, but I meant it with all my heart.

Now I realize that neither of us really understood or accepted the words of the other. Were we too caught up in the idea of love and romance to clearly see the implications of our confessions? Were we blinded by love, or the thought of love? Did we assume that we could overcome the flaws and insecurities of the other? That love could triumph over all? Probably all of the above. At least from my side that is.

I was understanding and accepting of her imperfections, though I certainly did not realize their depth and the potential outcome of those issues. I'm sure she would say the same, she obviously did not recognize the none too subtle hints I gave her as to my sexual issues and dysfunctions. I can only speculate as to her reasons for overlooking them.

Fast forward some eight months from then, when everything fell apart. We both had illustrated examples of our imperfections and destructive patterns of behavior. The consequences of that conflict were of epic proportions.

I often get stuck on the idea of choice and intention. I tend to view the consequences as a result of her choices, as a direct result of her actions. But was it not, in fact, my choice to download the material in the first place? Absolutely it was. Then, however, I also made a choice to stop. I had not downloaded anything in years, and I had committed to not looking at those images and to delete them out of respect for our relationship. That seem to matter little to Jess. Then there was never any intention to hurt Jess, or anyone for that matter, but we all know that intentions have little value. What were her intentions? I may never know.

I was working on my patterns, though it seems that she made no attempt to break her patterns of closing up and running away in spite of her promise to communicate about problems. In fact, she went a disastrous step further to involve the authorities. I'm sure that she had her reasons, I'm sure they made sense to her at that time, perhaps they still do. Perhaps the destruction to me, my family, our common son, and even to her own life situation were but a small price to her. Perhaps she saw no better ways to deal with it. Why was talking about it not an option? Was there no way to communicate, problem solve, and compromise that would not land me in prison? There are so many alternatives that seem, to me at least, far more productive and far less destructive to all parties involved.

I realize that her imperfections, the traumas of her life, and her patterns of insecurity may have veiled those options, or distorted them beyond consideration. It matters little now, though I believe that by understanding these things we might both better be able to grow and improve on our personal issues.

I do not want to imply an "I'm right, she's wrong" attitude. I know this is not the case, but I do know for certain that I was already working on overcoming my flaws. Admittedly, I did not confront them head on, as I now am doing. I was tiptoeing around them, afraid of the implications of revealing them fully. (And, obviously, that fear was very much justified.)

Is Jess learning, growing, and healing from this experience? I don't know, but I hope so. Her journey is very different from my own, with different constraints and difficulties that come with being a single parent. She likely has far less time or energy to pursue the means of self introspection that I unfortunately have the luxury of doing.

I still believe, with every fiber of my being, that we could have healed and grown so much more effectively together, than we are able to do now. But that's a futile sentiment.

What is the purpose of sharing this with you all? I'm not entirely sure. The hope that I can help prevent others from a similar fate, though it seems that the circumstances of my situation are probably rather unique. I do believe, however, that we all have a tendency to overlook things when love might be involved, and that while we might talk, we are not really communicating, and that when we listen we are not always hearing. More often than not, the consequences of this are minor, but then again, sometimes they're not.

Armageddon upon us?

Reflecting on the "apocalypse" prophecies that abounded for the end of 2012 makes me consider some things. Perhaps the Mayans were not so far off. It seems, sadly, that an Armageddon is, in fact, upon us, but not due to any external or natural forces but because of our own sick, twisted, and ego - clinging culture.

There has been much talk and debate over gun control and the treatment of mental health since the tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. Also talk of school and personal security and our basic rights.

The Secretary of the State of Arizona, the villainous Tom Horne, proposed an "armed educator" plan, whereby at least one staff member in every school would be expected, or required to be "packing heat".

As a parent, and a former teacher, I am appalled by this proposal for many reasons. First and foremost, what kind of lesson does it model for our children? As educators, we are expected to model and instill life lessons to our students, which include communication as an alternative to violence as a problem solving skills. How can we do that, in good faith, if schools themselves do not adhere to this policy?

Also, having weapons in close proximity to kids, all the time, is a recipe for disaster. What if little Johnny is really getting on Ms. Crabapple's already frayed nerves and she just loses it? Or a violent altercation starts up between kids, or groups of kids. Perhaps firing a warning shot might restore the peace!

And consider the temptation for the more mischievous students, particularly in middle or high school, if they know there is a gun around. The implications are terrifying.

What is perhaps more disturbing to me, as a human being, is that according to a poll I saw on the evening news, 83% of those who responded were in favor of such a proposal!

I agree that this shooting was horrific, and that kids deserve protection. But they deserve our best ideas, not more guns, which will only fuel the fire even further. Of course, this comes from the same state that brought us - and vehemently defends - SB 1070, a piece of legislation intended to promote fear, distrust, divisiveness, and racism. 

Arizona is rapidly becoming a police state, where reason and compassion are swept away in favor of fear mongering and mistrust. The penal system, as I have written of extensively, is but one aspect. Recently, a list of "banned books" was distributed to the state complexes. Along with books that may contain graphic erotica, included are many books on drawing (i.e., teaching yourself to draw), books on carpentry, plumbing, and electrician skills, books that criticize or give information on the prison system, books on homeopathic and natural medicine, books on the Mayans and the Aztec, books on calligraphy, and a huge array of other equally dumbfounding subjects. "A Game of Thrones", Dean Koontz "Frankenstein" (book two only), "No Country For Old Men" and "Shutter Island" which are both on TV regularly, and more than 1000 others. Not only does the department of corrections do little to assist in rehabilitation, they seem to be actively opposed to it. I can see the logic behind many of the books on the list, but 75% or more have me scratching my head.

Many inmates, disgruntled or even terrified of the state policies, have attempted to apply for interstate compacts upon release - to live with family outside of the state. All that I have spoken with have been denied. Once this penal system gets its hooks in you, it does not let go. I wonder if this happens in other states?

The Federal government also exhibits this lack of reason and compassion. The whole " fiscal cliff" debacle illustrates how politicians are removed from the wants and needs of the people. The posturing and bickering has little to do with the common good and much to do with individual agendas and reputations.

My faith in humanity is taking a huge beating as I stop and look around this crazy country. I am but one person (barely even that as a convict), and my voice is just a squeak compared to the Niagara Falls-like roar of tyranny and injustice. Can't we do better than this?

The soapbox is now yours....

Kick 'em when they're down

I wanted to share with my readers a couple of very real, very specific examples of the irrationality and some negative consequences of the current system of sex offender registration.

A good friend of mine from in here (meaning one you can talk to openly and honestly about things) was just released.  That's great!  Wonderful for him!  But the circumstances surrounding his release demonstrate the commonplace atrocities of civil liberty, justice, and dignity.

Robert was incarcerated on a nonsexual offense.  Because he had a sexual offense on his record, from many years ago, he was housed in an SO yard, for his own safety.  Because Robert's earlier offense was prior to the SO registration requirement, he was told that he would not have to register as a sex offender on release.  He arranged for a place to live, and everything was "hunky dory".

Then, about a week and a half before his release, he was informed that he would indeed have to register as a sex offender, contrary to all of the information he received and all of the agreements and contracts he had already signed.

As a sex offender, he was then ineligible for the housing that had been approved.  In Arizona, and many other states, sex offenders have limited options for "acceptable" housing.  It was too late to make any other arrangements, so he was to be released as homeless!

This meant, in spite of his low level risk level, he would have to wear an ankle monitor and stay on his "assigned" street corner for at least eight consecutive hours each night.  Leaving this area could result in parole violation and a return trip to a "correctional" facility.  He left here terrified, confused, and frustrated.

To make matters worse, Robert has several health issues, not the least of which is a tendency toward seizures.  He had no idea what, if any, resources would be available in a health emergency.  As Robert had no money, a group of inmate friends and fellow Buddhists loaded him up with supplies including granola bars, peanut butter, and other resources.  This alleviated one concern, but not several others.  I ask myself who are the bigger monsters in this scenario.

Now, I know that Robert is very unlikely to pose any threat to the community at large.  These inane practices are supposedly enforced for the protection of society.  But the big question I have is if someone were truly a threat, would you want them homeless on a street corner?  Wouldn't some kind of halfway house, with supervision, be much more logical?  An ankle monitor would do little good if someone decided to attack a passing citizen.  This is how the system protects society?

My second example is from some newspaper articles and information from the RSOL Newsletters that I get, that I recently read.  There are several private web sites " not affiliated with police" that are extorting people on the sex offender registration.  They scan police databases and then do additional research on these offenders, and then list this information on their sites.  Included are links to the social media not only of the offender but their "friends" as well as information and addresses on their family members.  Some of these "offenders" are either listed mistakenly or no longer must register with the police.  If a listed person or family member contacts the web site to be removed, they are instructed to pay $79.00 for an "investigation".  If they contact the site again (after nothing is done to remove them) they are told they must pay $499 as a removal fee.

As if these people have not already experienced enough suffering, humility, and abuse.  Again, I remind you that many sex offenders have offenses where no human has been touched at all, contrary to general perception.  There have been lawsuits against these web sites proprietors, but little has been accomplished thus far.

I share the stories with you to generate awareness of some of the realities of this whole campaign against "sex offenders" that is so prevalent in our media and culture.  I do not condone the actions of these offenders, nor my own crimes in this regard.  But society, as well as the legal system, must not only recognize that the "one size fits all" approach of condemnation and oppression does not reflect the reality of the diverse individuals or the incredible degree of differences in their transgressions, but also does nothing in addressing the causes of these crimes or assist in any meaningful rehabilitation thereof.

A new approach is needed for the overall safety of, and benefit to: society, the perpetrators, and their friends and families.

Connecting with Convicts

This entry is primarily aimed toward those who may have friends, family, or loved ones who are incarcerated.  This is obviously a difficult situation for everyone involved.  There is undoubtedly conflict, reluctance, embarrassment, mistrust, and uncomfortable feelings all around, but...  Coming from someone on the inside of the prison walls and fences, I urge you to communicate!  Certainly this is not an easy thing for many, especially if the crime is particularly heinous or uncomfortable to address.  If that is the case, you need not address it.  A simple card or letter to say "I'm thinking of you, you're not forgotten " can mean so much to an inmate in confinement.

Oftentimes, there is the initial communication, which slowly fades away as time passes -causing us to feel lost, unloved, and forgotten.  Or people who we thought were close never correspond at all, leading us to wonder, to think the worst, or to sow the seeds of resentment toward humanity as a whole.  Many people seem to think that writing about mundane, everyday occurrences would be boring, or worse, cause sorrow and envy.  While there is some truth to this, by and large we would rather hear about it than not.  It's often a way to live vicariously through others.

We have all made mistakes in life, some bigger and messier than others, but we must not judge people by their mistakes alone.  The overwhelming majority of us are good hearted people who made bad choices, and often were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  That could happen to anyone.  Try to see us, and everyone really, with compassion and empathy.  We are all a part of this whole crazy universe, interconnected in ways we cannot possibly fathom.

One suggestion for communications would be to ask us questions.  While we here in prison might imagine that there is nothing of interest happening in our lives (and rightly so) it might be fascinating to those on the "outside" to hear about the mundane craziness of prison life.  The dreadful food, the inter-yard politics, the clandestine network of trade and barter, the hours of waiting, are all facets of life that most have little experience with.  Ask us questions and be specific!  We want to reach out, but we are afraid or are too embarrassed to make the first move.  We might have no way to discover where you are unless you tell us.

In most cases, you can find us easily on the Internet through your "local" department of corrections.  We will eventually get your letter... maybe... but don't give up trying.  It seems hard in this fast paced world of instant electronic communication to actually write and send a letter, but you just might find a forgotten joy in that process.  And receiving an actual, physical letter in your mailbox (instead of bills and junk mail) might be as pleasant for you as it is for us.

For those who are willing and able, consider a little gift.  Books, music, newspaper and magazine clippings are allowed in Arizona - but check on policies and procedures first.  Sending even 10 or 20 bucks would be an incredible joy for us.  Most inmates, even if they work, are paid slave wages - leaving little money for the little "goodies" that might make life pleasant, even for a few moments - again check policy first.

We may be out of sight, but we are still "right here." Family and friend connections might be one of the most powerful forces of therapy, rehabilitation and healing for us.  For many, perhaps the only source.  So if you're in the unpleasant situation of knowing someone who is incarcerated (and the number continues to grow), pick up a pen or type a letter on your computer and send it to the person!

The Hero's Journey

I must play many mental games to help me get through this incredibly difficult experience.

I have found that a Buddhist philosophy makes much sense and a fine a strategy for dealing with the pain and suffering that is this life.  It is not to deny the existence of such suffering, but to shed the ego's attachment to the pain and suffering and above all to the clinging desire for things to be different than they are.  This is an aspect of the illusion, or maya, that Buddhists speak of.

Another way to look at things is to realize that life is the Hero's Journey.  And that all of the crap that is thrown at us are obstacles to be overcome by the "hero".

The quest itself is the ultimate goal, not the "destination", or the "prize," or success, or failure.  It is how we carry ourselves on the voyage that really matters.  There is no golden fleece or Holy Grail and anything that may seem to be a reward is impermanent by nature.  It is the journey that strengthens us.  It is the trials, the tribulations, the joys, and the sorrows along the way that help us to discover what we are and who we are in our hearts and souls.  Essential to the path is the conviction to see it with brutal honesty and compassionate openness.

Perhaps it seems odd that a "hero" can be a sex offender (whose "offense" involves neither sex nor contact with any other person), but the hero is within each of us, and is often times easier to discover in times of despair and depravity.  Perhaps it is easier to grow and find strength in those rough patches.  When all is well and happy it's easier to be sidetracked from the real journey.

It seems that love is very much similar to, and in all likelihood a part of, this hero's quest.  As with the quest, there is no certainty of any reward at the end of the sojourn.  There is no golden ring, and though there may be a golden ring, it is as temporary and elusive as all else.

Does this mean that love is not worth the effort?  That journey, too, will shape us and assist us in learning and knowing.  Love can bring out the best in us, and the worst in us, sometimes simultaneously.  We can face its difficulties head on with strength, honesty, and conviction or we can run in fear from its tendrils.

Both the quest and love are fraught with false trails, illusions, tricks, temptations, and deceptions.  Seeing, knowing, and discovering the true path is essential, yet elusive.

The hero's quest (and the path of love) are solitary endeavors.  While it's pleasing to have others who have faith in the hero, who believe in the quest, and who lend assistance on the journey, the hero must ultimately confront the dragon alone.  So it is with "love", the hero cannot control or influence the love experienced or  given by another.  How rare and fortunate when two such paths should converge upon one another, which is when real magic can occur.  Yet love cannot require nor expect reciprocation, and can still exist without it.  It happens all the time.  There is still strength, richness and pain (lots of pain) in a solo journey.

The journey may well be one of insanity, like that of Don Quixote de la Mancha, but perhaps that is the most sincere form of the quest.  For who in their right mind would undertake such a foolish expedition with no thought of reward, riches, completion, or reciprocation.  Yet that is not only the reality, but the requirement.  The quest is oftentimes thrust upon us unwelcomed and uninvited and it's up to us to accept or decline.

The expedition is not easy, no one said it would be, and if they did they were lying.  If it's easy it's not the true hero's quest and/or is still incomplete.  Perhaps the journey's "completion" ends with nirvana, or enlightenment, or the interconnectedness of all things, or communion with the cosmos, or maybe the quest itself is already all of those things.