Sex Offender Saga... or... Sex Offender Sympathy

I am labeled a sex offender. I will be labeled and branded a sex offender for the rest of my life. Before you lock up the kids and start demanding my crucifixion , I would ask that you consider some of the points I'd like to share with you.

Allow me to start by saying that I am guilty. I had in my procession, on my computer, images of child pornography. I'm not proud of it, and I knowledge that horrors and abuse is that some of the models undoubtedly experienced because of those pictures. I also acknowledge that I contributed to that system of abuse, albeit in an indirect manner. I rationalized that they were "only pictures," that I did not take those pictures, that I did not contribute money toward the system, that they were already out there, in cyberspace. This was foolish, naive, and irresponsible. So please realize that this essay is far more than "sour grapes" toward the system that condemned me.

As a loving parent and a former teacher, I strongly agree that our children need and deserve protection on this planet. But things have gone far above and beyond what is necessary and what is right to protect those children and society as a whole.

Let me first share some facts about the sex offender registration and mentality. First off, all across this nation there are many juvenile sex offenders who have been imprisoned and or branded as a sex offenders, sometimes for life. Most commonly, for having sexual contact with another minor child, even when they themselves were minors. Did you ever "experiment" or "play doctor." as a child? You could be a sex offender! When you were 18, did you ever have a relationship with someone younger? Maybe even a few months younger? You could be a sex offender. Do you ever take a leak in the bushes or behind a tree? You could be a sex offender! Branded and labeled for life, with a host of restrictions on where you can live in which you can do.

I admit that my situation goes beyond this. However, the line between reality and fantasy has never been in question as to my actions toward any human being. The restrictions placed on SOs make the assumption that all people convicted of a sex crime regardless of age, situation or even the actual contact with the victim, are a danger to society. Forever.

This is not the case for murderers, drug dealers, armed robbers, and a whole host of other violent offenders. A sex offender must register their whereabouts at all times, but not so for a murderer. Murderers can live amongst you anonymously.

It seems that thinking, or fantasizing, about something sex-related is equivalent to doing it. It's kind of "precognitive" sentencing, just like in the Tom Cruise movie.

According to a research article by Marshall Burns PhD, in federal statutes, looking at a picture of a boy with an erection is worse than killing him. I know that in Arizona, sentences for possessing child porn are sometimes greater than those for murder, assault, and actually sleeping with a minor (consensually).

The argument for the registry is that these people are going to potentially act on their fantasies. But where does this stop? Have you ever thought of "killing your boss" or your ex? Every human has the potential to do horrible things. A person driving while intoxicated has the potential to kill, yet they need not spend years in prison and register for life, or never touch a car or drink again.

Those who buy illegal drugs do not have the same stigma, yet they could become abusive or neglectful parents, and there is little doubt that the drug trade is responsible for much abuse and violence, sometimes two words innocent civilians. But the casual drug user is not held responsible for that.

There are truly dangerous people in prisons, for many reasons, not least among them true sexual atrocities. But the truth is, these people are the minority of sex offenders. I'm a sex offender without having had sex! (Inappropriate six, anyway.) The laws of child pornography are so inflexible that one of the first lawyers I spoke to pointed out that my ex fiancée could also be prosecuted for looking at the images that she saw when she turned them over to the police. He said that there was already a strong case against her for that. Needless to say, I did not align myself with such an attorney, but it does illustrate the lack of reason and logic in the current laws.

The current persecution of supposed sex offenders is similar to the witch trials of ancient days, an attempt to find or create a scapegoat and as a distraction for society. And it's a convenient target as it's a difficult topic to address. I have a suspicion that one reason it's so easy to condemn these "sexual deviants" is that many of us harbor dark, strange, and maybe even disturbed thoughts and fantasies. It's similar to the notion that the most vociferous gay bashers may have homosexual tendencies that they tried to deny.

Again I admit that I crossed the line by actually downloading pictures, and that went a step beyond thoughts. In no way was I, or am I obsessed with kids as a sexual object - but it was a regrettable part of a wider interest/fascination with pornography in general. There is no predominant interest in such pictures—but there was a curiosity—in large part I suspect, due to the taboo nature of it. I'm no more likely to act out than anyone else, and probably less than some. I am paying the price, I've taken personal responsibility, and I accept the situation. That does not imply that the crime is proportional to the sentence of 7 1/2 years, lifetime probation, and lifetime registration.

The pain, suffering, and destruction to the lives of many offenders and their families is far more damaging to society than protecting of it. For further information and research see the following resources:

www.SOLresearch.org

Reform Sex Offender L (RSOL)

Life in the Cage

This essay this meant to give a brief overview of life on a prison yard in Arizona.  Like most people, my preconceived notions of prison came primarily from television.  The reality of it is rather different.  In some ways better, in some ways worse

The yard where I live it's called a level 3 yard, which is considered " medium" security.  A "1" yard is the "lightest" security and a "6" yard is the highest.  As 6 yard is individual cells, with maybe one hour a day outside.  The meals are delivered to cells, and rec facilities are nonexistent with " common" showers at specified times.

My yard is designated as a sex offender, or SO yard.  In Arizona, S O's are segregated from the general population due to violence against the "lowest of the low," the "scum of the earth." Ironically, due to this fact the population is a bit more educated and tends to be a bit older.  There is far less "gang banger" mentality, and less overall violence, although it does still exist.

I live in a dormitory, with 26 bunk beds making 52 bunks.  There's approximately three feet between the bunks, which were designed for single beds, so the setup is rather compacted.

Every day, we have recreation from 8:00 AM until 10:00 AM, 1:00 PM until 3:00 PM, and 6:00 PM until 7:30 PM.  The yard is a barren dust bowl without a tree or blade of grass.  There are "workout stations," a soccer field/baseball field, a volleyball court, basketball court, horseshoe pit, and a bocce pitch.  There are a few shaded ramadas, one for each race.  And there is a wide variety of games and equipment for check out.

Monday through Friday, we get three meals a day.  The food is edible, but that's about it.  Think elementary cafeteria, but a couple notches down in quality.  While it's not exactly "bread and water" it's not far off.  Many days we get eight slices of bread.  One common breakfast is four pancakes, two slices of bread, and cereal.  Talk about carbs!  "Dinner" is a "take home" sack, with four slices of bread, some processed meat, usually baloney, chips and cookies.  That's every Monday through Friday.  On weekends we get two "hot" meals.

There is a store where we can order snacks, tobacco, soda, ramen soup, and other junk foods.  We get no fresh fruit or fresh veggies...ever.  Everything is canned and processed, with the exception of salad which is iceberg lettuce or cabbage.  That's it, I haven't seen a tomato in a year.

The worst aspect is the complete lack of logic or reason in the ever shifting policies.  I take "building maintenance"  classes, which are canceled more often then held, and we often get strip searched upon leaving class.  We go out to the "strip shack" where we get into stalls to strip down.  But get this.  We leave our "book bags" outside the shack, uninspected, and then pick them up and head back to our homes afterwards.  At the gate between yards, we sometimes get patted down, but again carrying a bag full of "store" or something else that never gets looked at.

There is a decent library, which we must stand in line for, sometimes up to 45 minutes.  Really, I feel that half my time is waiting in lines.  For meals, for store, for medical, for library, to cross the gates, and for "programs" that may or may not be held.

I have a small TV, a CD Walkman, and a lot of books.  They make life bearable.  I read, write, meditate, do yoga, workout, and play volleyball.  Yet time still drags.  I once read about prison that days last forever, but weeks and months blend together to fly by.  It's quite true.

The "correctional officers" (C O's) are mostly respectful, but of course there are those with attitudes who use their power  to abuse inmates.  But this lack of respect works both ways - many inmates love to bait the "cops" particularly those who are assholes, which creates a vicious cycle.  I can receive approved visitors on weekends, "full contact", which means no  glass with the phone.  It's actually a pleasant visiting space with colorful murals and a selection of games and vending machines.

The highlight of the year is the "food visit" where family or friends can bring in food from the outside.  It's like a big picnic and one of the few things to really look forward to.  I've had one thus far as I'm a "newbie" or "fish".

The general environment is like a junior high school boys' locker room, as far as mentality goes.  Constant bravado talk of "fucking bitches" and "I'll fuck you up" tend to dominate.  While this mentality is not true of the whole population, the volume and frequency of such talk makes it seem more prevalent than it is.

There is, of course, the ability to procure things if the price is right.  "Spice" is the current drug of choice, as it does not yet register on the urine tests that are administered randomly.  It's a synthetic marijuana type drug.  The "TV" scenario of trading cigarettes for goods is absolutely accurate.  The standard unit of currency is a honey bun, a sweet danish.  As you may imagine, particularly in a sex offender yard, this is the "butt" of many jokes.  Three cigarettes or two "squeeze cheeses"  equals a soup or an envelope, two envelopes equal a honey bun, and a pouch of tobacco is like a $20.00 bill!

Hustling is a means of income for many.  There are "Powerball" lotteries, sports pools, and an entire underground economy in electrical repairs, tattooing, sewing, and "procurement".

The whole "don't drop soap" scenario is not really present, unless one chooses to take that route, which happens but is uncommon.  Again, I believe it's more common on the general population yards.  I don't know of anyone who is an unwilling plaything for a powerful inmate.

I am able to receive books and CDs via the mail, provided they are sent by approved vendors.  There is no list, to my knowledge, of what is "approved".  Amazon works, but Amazon Marketplace does not.  I could not receive a book sent via "the marketplace," but I could allow it to be donated to our library.  Huh?

All in all, it's not a particularly horrible physical environment.  The worst aspects of it, at least for me, are more psychological than physical: I miss my kids, I've never even met my son, and the fact that I was sent here by the love of my life, who I only ever treated with loving kindness.  In the words of Gloria Gaynor, I will survive.

Religion In The Cage

It is sometimes said that Jesus is still alive in the prisons of this world. It's true -- he's over in building 7 in bunk C-33. And he's probably in every other bunk and every single bed everywhere in the world. Inmates spend a great deal of time talking about, debating, quoting, and understanding the bible. Then they go outside and say "Whachoo lookin' at mutha fucka?" and brag about the bitches they fucked and the dudes they fucked up. Oftentimes, the louder they "preach" the bible, the more shit they talk. Of course this is not so for everyone, but it's often the case.

I've been interested in religion, philosophy, and spirituality for most of my life. As a child, I had to go to church every Sunday, but as I grew older I began to question many aspects of Catholicism, Christianity, and religion in general. It seems to me that the single biggest factor in terms of one's belief system was where one was born.

In college, I spent enough time and energy on philosophy classes as electives that it turned into a second major. I tended to gravitate towards eastern religions like Buddhism, Taoism, and Hinduism, but I wasn't sure why. After college, my two years in Cairo, Egypt taught me much about Islam, and then I spent time in India exploring various ashrams and holy places. Three years in Japan added yet another perspective on faith and spirituality.

Being in prison has been one more step in my spiritual development. My intention was to try to join in on as many practicing groups as I could. There are obviously many Christian sects here, as well as Jewish, Muslim, Wiccan, Native American, and Buddhist groups. Unfortunately, I can only "choose" one religion, as far as services and prayer groups are concerned, so I have chosen Buddhism as my path.

The biggest reason that Buddhism appeals to me is the lack of an "all powerful, all seeing, all knowing" deity that oversees all. Buddhism and other eastern religions are much more personal. The Buddha-nature is already within us; we control or choose our actions and the consequences of those actions are our responsibility. It's not "God's Plan", it's our plan - but yet it still connects us to all other living beings.

I sincerely believe that Jesus Christ was a Buddha, which means "an enlightened being", and his message of love and compassion is precisely that of Gautama Buddha and so many others who preach compassion and love. 

What is meditation but sitting still to acknowledge the spirit of God within you? It's a more personal and intimate way of praying. The "holy trinity" of Buddhism -- mindfulness, impermanence, and non-attachment -- make so much sense to me in this confined environment, yet I realize that it that it just makes sense. Period.

I now spend a significant amount of time reading Buddhist, non-Buddhist, and self help books, I meditate 3 to 4 times a week, I practice yoga frequently and I am working things out mentally and emotionally. I hope to share some of my thoughts and ideas with you.