More blogs! I'd like to attribute this spate of prolific activity to an unbridled enthusiasm for our new blog. And while that is in fact true, there's also the darker reasons that nobody else is writing to me, and I'm still (always) consumed with thoughts of Jess and all that went down. I have written so much on this "topic" already, as you will discover ad nauseam, but I wanted to attempt to summarize my thoughts into a single essay. As you can see, I failed miserably in that, and ended up with a trilogy the still barely scratches the surface.
I just have far too much floating around my brain to adequately presented. I have brief periods where I can still the "monkey mind," but they are few and far between. I am just now, as I write this, thinking of this whole aspect on Jess that I omitted: my "delicate flower in a suit of armor" theory.
But I don't want this blog to turn into lovesick, heartbreak, self pity blathering.
I really am a rather pathetic waif. I have noticed that while I have asked repeatedly if you agreed that I'm foolishly naive, you have skillfully avoided comment on the subject. Fair enough I suppose. It really only matters to me. I shouldn't need validation or repudiation from others. While I realize that this is merely another aspect of the impermanent nature of phenomenon, and that only this present moment exists, this present moment is in a prison and the lack of understanding of it all is a never ending itch that cannot be scratched! And that is a part of the present moment's sensation. Ugh.
So, one of the many reasons I fell in love with Jess is her amazing strength of character. Though I came to realize that while certainly a very strong woman, she had a soft and sensitive side that was really hard to get through to. I called her a "delicate flower in a suit of armor". I attributed this to the traumatic experiences in her past - a rape in her teens and an abusive boyfriend later in life. She fled this relationship literally fearing for her life. She also fled an engagement only a year or so before when we got together. I realize now that this pattern might not be entirely due to how she was treated. I wonder if she tells the same tales about me, and while I know I caused her pain and suffering, it was only indirect, based on past misdeeds and not in how I treated her.
She also mentioned that she tried to call me once, after "the incident" in a "moment of weakness". She said something similar about a tender comment about missing and loving me in our brief phase of communication. While I don't want to assume, it seems clear that strength for her is concealing things and running away rather than confronting the situation or communicating. I am precisely the opposite and have continued to share my thoughts, feelings, and declarations of love. I imagine this makes me particularly weak and foolish in her estimation. We often joked about my "sappiness".
One of the things that I see in here that can really get me down is when an inmate's significant other stands by and supports the inmate through this awful process. Sometimes it's similar charges, sometimes what I would consider much worse. Not only did Jess not stand by me, she actually instigated this. I mean, I'm happy for the inmate but I'm also envious. I wonder, is this foolish naiveté or real love? Probably it's both, perhaps that's part of love.
Yet it's not that I expect reciprocation, but I'd like at least communication. I wonder if my inability to let go is due to a fear of being like the "tin man" without a heart, encased in a metal shell. This is a metaphor Jess once stated she identified with. Maybe I fear if I let go of my love and compassion, "nothingness" will take its place.
I believe, however, that honesty and truth when confronting difficulties is not weakness. This strategy, regretfully, has not turned out well in either of my serious relationships. It also contributed to this prison sentence, but I still think it's the way to go. Perhaps I must be truthful in moderation, as the "middle way" of Buddhism suggests.
Comments and questions are welcome.
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