In the past year and a half, I have experienced imprisonment, loss of job and career, loss of my home, public humiliation, and extremely limited access to my children. But none of these have caused as much pain and suffering as losing the love of my life and our boy. There's so much I don't understand, and it still hurts more than anything I've ever experienced. I continue to shed tears, almost daily, over the pain, confusion, and heartbreak of this loss.
First, a brief overview of the whirlwind courtship -- slightly shorter than the relationship itself. After my divorce, I retreated from any real efforts to court women. I was hurt, mistrustful, scared, and lacking in confidence. I took care of my "needs" via computer porn, including - but by no means limited to - underage images. I was in a karmic pattern of spiritual and emotional abuse. I also settled into a "complacency of contentment," doing what I needed to do to care for my kids and to provide for my family, but little more. I was not unhappy, but I was not particularly joyful either. I gained weight and really did not take great care of myself.
I first met Jess through her brother (my now ex-best friend). That was shortly after my divorce, but my attraction was immediate. I sensed a strength and life spirit that was vibrant and beautiful. The physical attraction was also very strong. But she was off to Central America, and nothing developed. I saw her only one other time in the next few years, and the feelings and attraction were still there. We danced at a concert together and I felt sparks, but it was a brief visit and again nothing developed.
Her brother planned to a trip to visit her in Honduras and asked if I wanted to go. I was wavering until he mentioned that Jess was single and really wanted me to visit. I began a campaign to lose weight in the months leading up to the trip. I was cautiously optimistic. We hooked up the very first night, though I was embarrassingly unable to "rise" to the occasion. That pattern continued a full week. She initially took it as a lack of physical or sexual attraction. Nothing could have been further from the truth. If anything, I may have been "over eager", though I'm sure my years of pornographic dependency was also a factor. In only a few days, I realized I was in love, and reluctantly confessed this to her. We spoke of possibilities. She asked if I wanted more kids, something that she needed and wanted in a relationship. I was hesitant at first -- I was over 40! -- but realized I could see myself raising a child with her, and loving it.
We kept in contact via Facebook and phone and I visited again a couple months later. It was beautiful, magical, and incredible, at least for me. My previous problem was over, and we really connected on many levels. She tried out the words "I love you" because she ”just wanted to say it". We shared deep vulnerabilities and flaws. I admitted my attraction to "schoolgirl" porn, but not the whole story. I expressed a concern about real communication in difficult times, as it was a large contributing factor to my divorce. Jess assured me that we would talk about problems.
We had a foundation for a relationship and she eventually came to Arizona to try things out. It was really quite glorious. My kids loved her, I loved her, and I thought that she loved me. We spent many nights talking, drinking, and smoking, planning a life together. Three more years of teaching and my retirement would be "matched"...then a life between Arizona, the Carolinas, and Honduras...we brainstormed business ideas and dreams. I'd lost some 35 pounds by then. I proposed in a drunken delirium, and she accepted. I fashioned an engagement ring out of a wire from a cork-top beer bottle cap. I had never been so truly happy or so truly in love in my life.
She went back to Honduras, wrapped up her life there, and moved to Arizona for good. I did notice a slight change, which I attributed it to the "honeymoon" phase being over. Also, she was working in a new job and then very quickly she was pregnant. We were both thrilled! We began a patio extension to my small home to create more space and a "jungle" room for Jess and the baby, as the dry desert was a tough change for her. Things were still good, but there were some stresses of reality and security. Her libido had diminished in pregnancy, and we were just surviving financially.
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