I'm "currently" studying electrical theory, circuits, and diagrams in my building maintenance course. This prompted me to come up with an analogy to my present situation.
I frequently think about how and why Jess "put me" in this horrible situation. But do I really have any right to put any blame on her, whatsoever? Isn't this all really my own fault? Well here is a "current" thought. (Ha ha!)
It's kind of like a three way switch. In my past, completely unrelated to, and independent of, Jess, I made a horribly poor choice. I flipped the switch on which allowed power to flow through to the second switch. Jess had complete control of that second switch, and for reasons I have yet to understand, she threw the switch that led to the destruction of my life.
Her choice was completely independent of my own, yet I provided that power to her, the power to destroy. She decided to do so without hesitation and without investigating the source or the nature of that power, and perhaps without considering the long-term effects. Though by her admission, it seems that she had considered the implications and destruction that would result. It is what it is.
She once told me she felt that there were no "good" choices in this situation, and that is very true. Though for the life of me I can't see how there could have been a worse outcome. Not only for me, as I "made my bed" so to speak, but also for my kids, our new son, and really my entire family. It seems that this was also the worst outcome for Jess herself. Had she not gone to the police, I could have provided both financial and emotional support to her and to our son. While probably unrealistic, there could have been a slight possibility of "reconciliation" of sorts between us. I sometimes wonder if that had something to do with her decision, that it was a way to prevent any chance of reconciliation, by removing me from the equation. She could not be tempted to "try again" in any way, shape, or form. Perhaps I flatter myself to think this way.
I'm sure that she realized that I would seek another chance – I said as much several times. Maybe she feared I would turn into a stalker. And while I certainly would have tried to make things work, I also know that I would have (and will) be respectful of her decisions, whether or not I understand or agree. I truly feel that there were better ways, but that means very little now and I have no influence on her choices. I do confess that I hope she might someday see this, and while it won't change the past, it might lead to more peace and communication between us.
Maybe I've hurt her too deeply for that to ever occur. She did once state that she knew I did not act "against" her. I sometimes feel, though, that are acts were directed "against" me, and perhaps justifiably so, but I wonder if she thinks of it that way.
A mutual friend once wrote that she thought neither of us could have hurt the other intentionally, yet I struggle to understand that. Had it been a truly emotional reaction to events, which I can completely understand, then yes I could see that. But based on her extremely brief and shallow communication on that subject, that doesn't seem to be the case.
Maybe she's still in an emotionally reactive state. Perhaps I am as well, and I know that I am, but I think I've considered things long and hard, from many angles and perspectives. While I'd like to say that I'm being objective and equanimous, I realize that there is an "I" in that statement and sentiment. Perhaps this is one reason that I desperately seek feedback, validation, or challenge from others.
So there are some current thoughts on power. It's quite an electrically charged idea! I should sit and meditate on the "ohm", and go with the flow. You know, try to see the light and be one with the source. After all, we are all connected, wired together. I must accept the shocking reality of my situation. And with that I will open the circuits and power down.
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