Love, Loss and Life Lessons: Part Two: Loss

A few months later, it happened. She found images of child porn that I was attempting to delete from my computer. Being with Jess had awakened me from my karmic pattern of abuse and despondency and I was truly putting those things behind me. She exploded with fear, rage, and confusion and I was unable to speak to her. She left the next day, with my computer and external drive.

I decided to be completely honest and I sent an e-mail confessing my porn addiction and fascination with younger girls' images. I told her that this was over, due in large part to my love for her. She did not reply. I never considered the possibility that she would turn this over to the cops. I was only worried about losing her. I tried to explain myself honestly and respectfully, asking that she just talk to me. All to no avail.

Had I lied, or even maintained silence, I would not have been sentenced so harshly. Those letters provided evidence beyond a shred of doubt that I was guilty. She had gone to the police a week after she left, but I would not know that for some time.

The only communications from her in the first few months were "leave me alone" and "please pay for the patio, as I will never see or use it." Neither would I. Eventually she sent a long scathing letter about how horrible I was, that our romance was a sham, and hopefully, now that my secret was out, I would not act on my horrible perversions.

It was obvious to me that she made many assumptions without any attempt to believe or discover the underlying realities. Yes, I had these pictures, but they did not define me whatsoever. I had hoped that perhaps she was still extremely emotional from the discovery and pregnancy and not really able to see past that. Maybe in time that would change. We eventually resumed communication, but she would not really talk about why she went to the police and what happened in the weeks after her discovery. She did ask for more of an explanation from me as to how, why, and what was going on. I wrote her, asking her to promise it would not go to the police. It seems she kept her word on that.

She claimed she hoped I'd have a place in our son's life. She expressed a desire to remain friends. She slipped up once and claimed to love and miss me. But she would not really explain. I didn't press, as she was pregnant and I had caused more than enough stress for her and our baby already.

I went to jail and wrote her often. She did not reply, but allowed me to call her. Our son was born in November 2011. I got to hear him cry and coo on the phone. I was shipped to prison in December 2011. I continued to write to Jess and our son. I began to ask some questions, as the baby had been born and I thought she might be ready to communicate. I have not heard a word from her yet. I have offered to pay for a flight to Arizona, so I could see my son and talk to her as well. She had expressed that this was possible while I was in county jail, but I have heard nothing since. I sent Christmas money and some little gifts to her and our boy. I don't know if she got them. I continue to write to them both, though mostly to my son these days. His first birthday is just around the corner.