Resilience and Purpose

Each year, right around New Year's, my "crazy, new age aunt" chooses Angel Cards for everyone in the family. This is something that we should try to work on, focus on, and become aware of in the coming year. Jess and I also " played around" with angel cards.

Well, for the last year (2012), I had appropriately been chosen for "resilience". Though I'm not particularly sure how well I did with it. On the one hand, I'm still here, still alive, so I suppose I inadvertently and ultimately succeeded. On the other hand, however, I did make an honest and conscious effort to take my life, so I suppose I should not say that I really demonstrated resilience.

I've been trying to make something of this shithole of an existence. My dictionary defines resilience as "an ability to recover from illness" and I've been working on growing and healing, but I'm unsure if I've truly recovered from anything.

I was told by my aunt that for 2013 I had "chosen" the card "purpose". Wow... That's another good one! And it dawned on me how interrelated the two really are. In order to be resilient I must have some sort of purpose to my life, and that is difficult here. So much of the purpose that I once identified with has been stripped away: father, teacher, homeowner, and pet owner were roles of purpose that defined me, particularly the first two, but they are not a part of who I am at present. I know that I'm still a father, but the purpose of caring for and raising my children is gone.

I sincerely believe that I have been striving to give purpose to this horrible situation of futility and irrationality. I have committed to the path to improve my mind, body, and spirit. I have completed the only college course available to me here, I exercise more than I have for years, I work the 12 steps of sex addiction, I read, I am practicing Buddhist techniques and teachings, and I'm writing this blog and other works. I must confess, though, that I often feel this blog is little more than a journal, as very few seem to read or comment on it, but it's at least "out there".

I'm working as a legal clerk, with the opportunity to learn about the legal maze.

So what else can I do? I know that I must not give up, though I often feel the effort is hopeless. I'm still overwhelmed by emotional suffering. I know that in theory, I must "let go" and not "attach"; that all this is impermanent. I know that I should choose peace over suffering but it often seems I have little choice. The suffering is too pervasive.

Yet I also realize that I tend to feed it. I look at pictures of my children, and I cry. I make an effort to look at the few pictures that I have of Jess with our son, and I cry. I know that is going to hurt, yet I still dig into my box for those pictures. So perhaps I am choosing this misery over purpose.

I don't think that I enjoy feeling hurt. Yet thoughts of Jess arise constantly. Can I make the choice to stop those thoughts from arising? Or perhaps I must allow them to arise and pass with equanimity, without attachment to them. I try, but I'm often unsuccessful.

I'm reading a book by Dr. Harold Bloomfield, called "making peace with your past". He writes: "another source of resistance is an addiction to feeling victimized...you might fear that resolving...issues would leave you nothing to complain about." Is this what is happening with me? I tend to rationalize that very few can really understand the pain that I continue to experience. Yet there are so many in here who can laugh and joke and have fun. Are they just more enlightened than I? It seems like those who exhibit the least amount of respect, reflection, or compassion are the ones most enjoying themselves. Is this just all illusion? Or am I on the wrong track completely.
Bloomfield also writes:

"If you're kicking yourself over a failure or a mistake, shifts the energy of regret to that of curiosity and view what happened in a larger context. Or perhaps it was a necessary aspect of your experience, without which you would not have had certain successes."

Now he's just teasing me, but it gets worse: "ask yourself (of your regrets) what really might have happened had you done things differently:

What experiences might you have missed out on? What people might you not have known? What opportunities might not have come your way? Who might have been hurt? How much love might you have lost or never found? What incidents, illnesses, or other tragedies might have ensued? What job opportunities might not have come your way? What life lessons might you not have learned?

Let yourself imagine the worst, chances are those scenarios are no more unrealistic than the gratifying fantasies that fuel your regrets. Can you accept that in many cases your life might not have been appreciably better if you had done things differently, and in some ways might even have been worse?"

Clearly this advice is not aimed at someone in prison because of their mistakes, having lost everything. Yet I do acknowledge that the ultimate consequences are yet to be revealed, though with probation and lifetime registration, the future ain't really all that bright.

Nonetheless resilience and purpose are necessary for survival. I'll keep at the work.