A Father's Lament

I talked to the kids on the phone this morning. On my second call, I had to cut off my time with my son as I had my monthly Buddhist Service. I could not focus on the service, or discussion, as I could only think of my kids. They had been telling me about putting up trees at their mom's and their aunt's (my sister). These were always my activities with them.

My kids were always a center of my life, I could never understand how any parent could "abandon" their kids either physically or mentally. I know I was never the perfect dad, but I tried to be as close as I could. A friend sent me a few more pictures of my "new" son, who I've never met, including one of Jess holding him up and smiling warmly and lovingly into his eyes. I guess there's also a video of him walking. He does not even know I exist, and I feel he's been robbed from me. Even worse, now I'm one of those parents who abandoned their kids. But it wasn't my choice.

So I thought I'd copy a journal entry I wrote several months ago while thinking of my kids. Here it is:

10/26 I've been thinking of my kids even more than usual recently. One reason for this is the approach of Halloween. That was always one of my favorite times with them. I took them most years, whether it was my turn or not. We would usually trick or treat in our neighborhood.

I also usually took them to the All Souls Day/Day of the Dead procession, a huge event in our town that is a cross between the Mexican Day of the Dead and Mardi Gras. It was a big deal with my gang of friends and we constructed elaborate floats on several occasions. I involved the kids in that process as much as possible.

This led me to think of other traditions and activities that I may never have with them again. I used to be "the monster" when we went to any park, chasing them throughout the jungle gyms, up ladders, over bridges, and down slides. They never tired of that game, but when I get out they will be long past it. The same is true for bedtime stories, which we still were doing "when it all fell apart". Of course they were doing much more of the reading then.

Some traditions will still be alive, I hope. "Question time" and "story cubes" were, and I hope will be, a part of every meal. It was a way to create bonding and sharing at the dinner table. I was so very proud when one thanksgiving, and the huge table that included several strangers to the kids, my son stood up and yelled out "question time!"

Another tradition that might live on is "pizza and a movie night" if, that is, I'm allowed to have my own children overnight. Perhaps the movies that we watch will "grow" along with the kids, but I did enjoy watching classic cartoons, and Pixar films, and great kids' movies with them. When I started allowing them to choose, the quality wasn't always of the same caliber!

(Later that day) WOW!! I just got a letter from my daughter. She was telling me how much she missed many of those exact things I just wrote about! She also reminded me about "monster in the theater," where I chased the kids around the aisles after the movie was over and the cinema cleared out.

This led to the unpleasant thoughts about how this punishment of my crime also punishes the kids and has little to do with any recovery or strengthening of communities. It is only destructive. There are so many other productive, constructive, effective and efficient ways to dispense justice, but that is for another day.