Never in my wildest dreams or nightmares did I think I'd be locked up in prison, labeled a sex offender with a lifetime probation. Yet here I sit. I'd like to share some of the facets of my situation in the hopes of preventing others from a similar fate.
When I took a polygraph test, as part of my psycho - sexual evaluation, the examiner outlined my story or "scenario" with amazing precision before I ever said a word about it. So it seems that my "decent into debauchery" is not so very uncommon.
I've had a powerful attraction to pornography all of my life, since finding my dad's "stash" as a kid. As I grew up, I would occasionally go to adult bookstores to look at videos and would sometimes trade porn videos with friends. It was never an overwhelming obsession, perhaps because it was not readily accessible.
The Internet really changed that. In a relatively limited sexual marriage, I would find myself spending more and more time on the computer. I read erotic stories, found pictures and videos, and went on nude "chat" sites. My then- wife was aware of this and really only objected strongly when I began to pay for such sites.
After my divorce, the frequency escalated dramatically. I had no one "looking over my shoulder" so to speak. I might spend an hour or two a day on computer porn. Eventually, "standard" stuff became boring, so I would find kinkier content. Some was a turn on, some not, but all eventually became uninteresting. I inadvertently (really and truly) stumbled upon younger content while searching for "schoolgirl" themed porn, with adults posing as schoolgirls. I was intrigued and attracted and began looking for more. I was not intentionally looking for illegal, or very young images, but when I turned to newsgroups for free content and found an image that was appealing, I would download an entire directory, unseen. Some of what I found was extremely inappropriate and illegal. Even if it wasn't a turn on, I never bothered to delete it. There was an attraction to the forbidden nature of it. A collection grew over time. I would look through the images, some enticing, and many not, but I kept them all.
I always "mixed it up" in terms of porn content, I was never fixated on "young stuff", but it was part of my pattern. Eventually, I grew bored with this as well. I also found erotic "taboo" stories (incest and school girl themes) to be exciting, but had no interest in acting on such ideas. Again, it was the taboo that excited me. Eventually, I stopped downloading such content, but kept them "just in case."
I had no interest in "cyber stalking" or to seduce or be with any kids at all, ever, but in a fantasy, anything can happen!
When I fell in love with Jess, my interest in all of that ceased. I deleted my entire hard drive, yet much of it had already been backed up on an external drive. After she moved in with me I realized I had to delete that too. In this effort I was looking through the images, some never seen, most unseen in years. There was still an attraction, more like the feeling of saying goodbye to an old friend, but well.... That's when my secret was discovered.
She left with no real discussion on this topic. I sent her an apology and a confession, and urged her not to overreact. In my mind, that meant not breaking things off. I never even considered police involvement, yet the letters, computer, and hard drive were all turned over to the police. In retrospect I suppose I was rather naive!
So now, I'm trying to better understand what led to this. I began seeing a therapist even before I knew of any police involvement. Primarily, this was to deal with my intense heartbreak, but also to help identify my actions. I discussed it with the psycho-sexual evaluator, and I've since attended sexaholics anonymous meetings in prison. I've read what I could on sex addiction and have spent countless hours meditating on the subject.
I cannot identify a primary cause. I've read that childhood abuse is often a factor, though that never happened that I recall. Through my work, I've had many insights to potential factors and I'd like to summarize these. Perhaps it will help others who might have a problem.
With my initial therapist, through a process called EMDR, I made a connection of equating kissing and cuddling with cousins and friends (when I was very young) to a sense of security and "escape" from feelings of abandonment. This may be significant in light of the fact that this problem developed just after a divorce.
My psycho-sexual evaluator are suggested that my "child brain" was not actively linked to my conscience or "adult" brain. He used clinical terms as well, but I don't remember them and don't want to use them incorrectly. Basically, the child part of the brain associates with pleasure, with no reference to time, age, or morality. There's no segregation as to the cause of pleasure. And it was identifying past experiences with pleasure.
In my own process of introspection, I recalled a young girl on my paper route flashing her privates and asking to see my "weenie." I lost my virginity in strange circumstances at 15 or so. Two "older women" (maybe early twenties?) invited me to their hotel room and got me high for my first time ever. One of them seduced me while the other was on the other bed. It was not really a pleasant experience, but I was certainly not forced to participate.
I've always had a lack of self confidence with women, due to being overweight most of my life. I'm sure this is a contributor to my seeking satisfaction through pornography. After my divorce, this was exaggerated, as well as my being angry and mistrustful of women in general. Perhaps there was an attraction to the "honesty" or "innocence" of younger girls (though I know that in reality kids are often dishonest and not quite innocent!).
Also, as previously mentioned, I've had a rebellious nature. Not only in sexually related matters, but in life in general. Drinking and drugs were a part of my life and I've had a pronounced disregard for "the law".
I sometimes wonder if the fact that as a teacher and parent I spent the majority of my waking hours with kids had a subconscious influence on my psyche. Though I did have an attraction to schoolgirl themed porn in Japan, before all this happened.
My father had an attraction to porn, as well as difficulty with monogamy. This has made me wonder if there is any genetic disposition toward sexual "deviance". Some have suggested the possibility of karmic influences from previous lives as a possible contributing factor. Though I have some trouble with that idea, I do not discount it completely.
The point is, I don't know why. I'm sure that it's a combination of all these and more. I know it would never have escalated beyond "fantasy" and I know it's behind me. While I may never understand why, I must continue to be aware of thoughts and feelings, and continue to grow and heal.
I struggle with the question: "Am I a pedophile?" I've read varying definitions of the term. "A person who has sexual relations with children." That's not me. "A predominant sexual attraction for children." For me, it was never predominant. I was always only interested in age appropriate relationships. But, "an attraction toward young (women)" -- yes, I admit that is true. I know that "labels" are relatively meaningless, but I must come to terms with this.
Through sharing this blog, I hope that maybe someone in a remotely similar mental state might avoid the devastation I'm going through. If you're having any thoughts of looking at anything illegal...DON'T. If you have already, delete it! If you think you might have any tendency toward anything like this, seek help!
But herein lies another problem. A counselor, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist is required by law to inform authorities if a crime is revealed to them. This obviously would prevent people from actually seeking help, or from being honest about such things. But of course, there is public opinion on such topics, also contributing to a "bottling up" of thoughts and feelings.
In fact, my therapist turned evidence on me over to the police, but only after receiving a letter from Jess and knowing there was police involvement. A mutual friend, while trying to help, had revealed my therapist to Jess in hopes of aiding my therapy. In spite of my therapists' assurances of nondisclosure, she passed information to the police.
This obviously poses a barrier to seeking real assistance in dealing with a potential problem. This and public abhorrence forces people to hide and conceal things, which I believe is not altogether healthy.
In retrospect, while I know I would never have acted on my attractions, I also recognize that countless females (and males) of all ages have undergone unspeakable atrocities due to the sex trade. Any contribution to this system, intentional or otherwise, is wrong. It's so very easy to disconnect electronic sequences of binary code to living, breathing humans. But that is a huge mistake. We must be aware of, and responsible for the implications of our thoughts, impulses and actions, and we must act accordingly.
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