Struggling To Accept "What Is"

I am obviously still struggling with the acceptance of my situation. The other night, I saw a news report on a woman who was released from county jail for some silly driving offense. That same day, she left her six year old daughter alone in a McDonald's while she went to do "something". When she returned, she was arrested for abandonment. This woman had previous charges for child abuse. The reporter said she could face weeks or months in jail..

And here I sit, for 7 1/2 years for a crime that did not directly harm or endanger anyone. Here I am, with lifetime probation, and lifelong registration as a sex offender.

I am not innocent of the charges, yet I cannot escape the thoughts that I am far less dangerous to society than this woman who has repeatedly endangered her own children.

I realize I do not know the whole story, and I know firsthand, all too well, how the media is not always accurate. But something is just not right about it.

I know, I know... Life is not fair. I realize I messed up. I also know that I am absolutely incapable of harming my, or any kids, in any way whatsoever. Of course, others may not know or believe that, but any investigation into my life's history would corroborate that assertion.

It seems ironic, to say the least, that while I am labeled a sex offender for life, that I feel as though I'm the one who has been screwed; by Jess, by the media, by societal preconceptions, and especially by the state of Arizona.

Is this, however, just more mental manipulation to victimize myself? To avoid responsibility for my actions? To blame others rather than myself? Perhaps so, yet I never claimed innocence for my actions. It happened. I know that I am responsible. Is this an attempt to minimize the severity, or is there validity in my assertions?

I know that there is really no true black and white on this or nearly any topic -- just muddled shades of gray. I do feel terrible about it and how it hurt Jess, my family, my students, the unknown victims of abuse, and especially my kids.

I think, however, about some of the various concepts I am learning. We are responsible for, and can only control, our own reactions to external phenomena. So did my mistakes directly hurt Jess, or did she chopse her reactions to the stimuli she discovered? I'm so sorry that it happen, yet her reactions were, in fact, her own.

Yet those reactions landed me in prison. I had no control over that process, though it was ultimately my own karma, coming back to haunt me.

Who are the ultimate victims? What are the direct causes? The indirect causes? Does it matter that my actions occurred in the past? Before and independent of Jess? Does it matter that I was moving past them? It certainly does not change the reality of where I am now, but these thoughts, questions and feelings keep circulating through my very imperfect ego -clinging mind.