The Greatest Symphony

My kids were with my siblings this past week, as their mom was off hiking someplace, so I took advantage of an opportunity to call them.  I was unable to get through to my sister, so I tried my brother.  He answered the phone and there was a cacophony of background noise.  He whispered into his phone "I can't really talk, but listen to this.  It's your son!"

I then heard the music, it was his elementary school band.  The sound reproduction was not of the highest caliber, but I could clearly hear the tune.  It was reminiscent of some John Phillips Sousa Marches.  I had a flashback to days of my youth, riding the carousel at one of the parks in my hometown.  They played three pieces that I heard, and the concert was finished.  My brother agreed with my assertion of the carousel music, the last piece most certainly was played on the merry go round, we decided.

The music sounded like it was coming through a tin can, and I suppose it was.  But to me, it was the most glorious symphony I have ever heard!

My son made his way to the phone before my 15 minutes were up.  I told him how awesome they sounded, and he wholeheartedly agreed. 

"I wish you could have been here, Dad," he said, with sincere conviction in his voice.  "Me too, son" I replied as the phone cut us off.

I've missed so many things with my kids because of my incarceration, and it hurts far beyond words.  But for a few minutes, on a random Tuesday evening, I was there, and the world was right if only for a moment.

The George Bailey Principle

The other night I was able to fulfill my yearly tradition of watching "It's A Wonderful Life". I had a variety of thoughts based on the movie that I would like to share here.

The first is that one's life situation strongly influences one's perceptions of reality. I have been watching this movie every year for many years and I realize how differently I perceive it based on the condition of my life at that time. This is probably true of every good movie and every experience, but for "It's A Wonderful Life" it's particularly clear.

After I had spent several years traveling the world, I saw the movie as a tragedy. While it's true that George has friends and a rich life in Bedford Falls, he never got to follow his lifelong dream. I viewed Mary as a foul temptress who prevented George from his bliss. Having spent years globetrotting, I was a very aware of what he lost.

Later, after marriage and children of my own, I could appreciate the beauty of a home, family, and stability. Even after my divorce, I realized how intensely the world revolves around one's own children. I realized that George's life was not the tragedy I once thought it to be.

Presently, sitting in prison, reflecting on all that has transpired, I focus on the importance of friends and family support in you. When George was really losing it, Mary really stepped up to support, to assist, and to save the day. She stuck with and believed in her husband, even though he was a bit unstable and in spite of the allegations against him. I felt profound envy that George was with a woman who truly loved him and believed in him and that his community focused on his acts and achievements rather than speculations, allegations, and his faults.

I wonder how I'll see the movie in years to come.

Another powerful aspect of this film is the idea of what the world would be like without you. I assume that everyone who watches the movie applies this idea to his own life. What a measure of one's value! So when I apply this to my own life...what do I find? Is the world better off for my having been in it? Who would be better off if I had never been born? How have I influenced the world for the better?

Had I never been born, I wouldn't have downloaded those pictures. Would the victims of that child pornography have been better off if I had never downloaded the pictures? Would their lives have been different? I don't really know. I had no contact or communication with them, I didn't take the pictures or pay for them, or distribute them, but who's to say how that karma influenced the flow of life? I have said things and done things that have hurt others, that I wish I had never said or done. How did those things influence the lives of these people?

And what positive influence have I had on this world? Well, obviously, had I never been born, my amazing kids would not have been born, and I expect great things from them. I want to think I had a positive influence on my many students, and maybe really strongly in a few cases. My globetrotting lifestyle likely inspired several family members to do the same or similar. I'd like to believe that maybe some of my encounters with people all over the world had some positive consequences. Overall, I truly think the world is better for my having been in it.

It seems that this idea would be a wonderful way for the justice system to evaluate a person who made a mistake. I call it the George Bailey Defense. Is the world, or community, a better place for the accused having been in it? How have their actions directly harmed the lives of others? How have they enriched the lives of others? What kind of hole would be left if they were removed from society? It seems like this holistic approach might be a better benchmark for the value of one's being.

Daddy's in Prison

 Daddy's in prison - my sweet little one
He's doing OK - but it's not so much fun.

The days are so long - and really quite boring
The nights are quite loud - because of the snoring.

Your dad is in prison - he made some mistakes
He'll make it up to you - whenever it takes.

Be good - do your work - and do what you should
You know he'd be with you - if only he could.

Your dad is locked up - it's not as bad as it seems
Because you're always with him - in thoughts and in dreams.

He'd rather be with you - to play and have fun
And he certainly will - when all this is done.

Yes, daddy's in prison, but kids do not fear
He's still in your heart - year after year.

He made some mistakes - but he's not a bad man
He'll get stronger and better any way that he can.

Daddy's in jail and it seems like he's gone
But he will return so you have to stay strong.

It seems so unfair that this happened to you
But don't you lose hope - whatever you do.

Daddy's in prison - it's still not the end
He's there with you own - when you need a friend.

No matter what happens - or what people say
He loves you and thinks of you every day.

Your dad is away and sometimes that's rough
Because your time with him is never enough. 

Don't make his mistakes - don't think about crime
It's not worth what you lose for a very long time.

Your father's in prison - for you he still cares
Your pictures and stories are things that he shares.

He's so proud of you- and all you achieve
Don't give up on him - you have to believe.

Your dad is not with you - you have to be strong
Until you're in his arms - which is where you belong.

One day, he'll get out - and that day will be grand
For you and your dad will then walk hand in hand.

Non-communication and Misunderstanding

 

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the events and conversations that transpired between Jess and I in Honduras, the second trip. This was a fact finding mission to discover if our relationship was real, and might have a chance to blossom into something significant.

We had true, meaningful, and in-depth communications on who we thought we were, what we wanted in life, and in a partner, and most of all what we considered to be our weaknesses, flaws, and insecurities. I see now, in hindsight, that nearly everything that transpired was revealed, albeit indirectly, in those conversations. Yet neither of us were willing, or able, to see the signs.

Jess had repeatedly commented that I seemed "perfect" - a claim that I vehemently denied. In my mind, my pornographic compulsions we're certainly among my many imperfections. I told Jess about the "schoolgirl" fetish I had, but withheld the extent and the details.

She revealed several traumatic episodes in her life that have contributed to her "suit of armor" and a fear or unwillingness to commit to a relationship. She even went so far as to ask if I was truly willing and able to take on that baggage. My naiveté reply was to "bring it on." Famous last words, so to speak, but I meant it with all my heart.

Now I realize that neither of us really understood or accepted the words of the other. Were we too caught up in the idea of love and romance to clearly see the implications of our confessions? Were we blinded by love, or the thought of love? Did we assume that we could overcome the flaws and insecurities of the other? That love could triumph over all? Probably all of the above. At least from my side that is.

I was understanding and accepting of her imperfections, though I certainly did not realize their depth and the potential outcome of those issues. I'm sure she would say the same, she obviously did not recognize the none too subtle hints I gave her as to my sexual issues and dysfunctions. I can only speculate as to her reasons for overlooking them.

Fast forward some eight months from then, when everything fell apart. We both had illustrated examples of our imperfections and destructive patterns of behavior. The consequences of that conflict were of epic proportions.

I often get stuck on the idea of choice and intention. I tend to view the consequences as a result of her choices, as a direct result of her actions. But was it not, in fact, my choice to download the material in the first place? Absolutely it was. Then, however, I also made a choice to stop. I had not downloaded anything in years, and I had committed to not looking at those images and to delete them out of respect for our relationship. That seem to matter little to Jess. Then there was never any intention to hurt Jess, or anyone for that matter, but we all know that intentions have little value. What were her intentions? I may never know.

I was working on my patterns, though it seems that she made no attempt to break her patterns of closing up and running away in spite of her promise to communicate about problems. In fact, she went a disastrous step further to involve the authorities. I'm sure that she had her reasons, I'm sure they made sense to her at that time, perhaps they still do. Perhaps the destruction to me, my family, our common son, and even to her own life situation were but a small price to her. Perhaps she saw no better ways to deal with it. Why was talking about it not an option? Was there no way to communicate, problem solve, and compromise that would not land me in prison? There are so many alternatives that seem, to me at least, far more productive and far less destructive to all parties involved.

I realize that her imperfections, the traumas of her life, and her patterns of insecurity may have veiled those options, or distorted them beyond consideration. It matters little now, though I believe that by understanding these things we might both better be able to grow and improve on our personal issues.

I do not want to imply an "I'm right, she's wrong" attitude. I know this is not the case, but I do know for certain that I was already working on overcoming my flaws. Admittedly, I did not confront them head on, as I now am doing. I was tiptoeing around them, afraid of the implications of revealing them fully. (And, obviously, that fear was very much justified.)

Is Jess learning, growing, and healing from this experience? I don't know, but I hope so. Her journey is very different from my own, with different constraints and difficulties that come with being a single parent. She likely has far less time or energy to pursue the means of self introspection that I unfortunately have the luxury of doing.

I still believe, with every fiber of my being, that we could have healed and grown so much more effectively together, than we are able to do now. But that's a futile sentiment.

What is the purpose of sharing this with you all? I'm not entirely sure. The hope that I can help prevent others from a similar fate, though it seems that the circumstances of my situation are probably rather unique. I do believe, however, that we all have a tendency to overlook things when love might be involved, and that while we might talk, we are not really communicating, and that when we listen we are not always hearing. More often than not, the consequences of this are minor, but then again, sometimes they're not.

Kick 'em when they're down

I wanted to share with my readers a couple of very real, very specific examples of the irrationality and some negative consequences of the current system of sex offender registration.

A good friend of mine from in here (meaning one you can talk to openly and honestly about things) was just released.  That's great!  Wonderful for him!  But the circumstances surrounding his release demonstrate the commonplace atrocities of civil liberty, justice, and dignity.

Robert was incarcerated on a nonsexual offense.  Because he had a sexual offense on his record, from many years ago, he was housed in an SO yard, for his own safety.  Because Robert's earlier offense was prior to the SO registration requirement, he was told that he would not have to register as a sex offender on release.  He arranged for a place to live, and everything was "hunky dory".

Then, about a week and a half before his release, he was informed that he would indeed have to register as a sex offender, contrary to all of the information he received and all of the agreements and contracts he had already signed.

As a sex offender, he was then ineligible for the housing that had been approved.  In Arizona, and many other states, sex offenders have limited options for "acceptable" housing.  It was too late to make any other arrangements, so he was to be released as homeless!

This meant, in spite of his low level risk level, he would have to wear an ankle monitor and stay on his "assigned" street corner for at least eight consecutive hours each night.  Leaving this area could result in parole violation and a return trip to a "correctional" facility.  He left here terrified, confused, and frustrated.

To make matters worse, Robert has several health issues, not the least of which is a tendency toward seizures.  He had no idea what, if any, resources would be available in a health emergency.  As Robert had no money, a group of inmate friends and fellow Buddhists loaded him up with supplies including granola bars, peanut butter, and other resources.  This alleviated one concern, but not several others.  I ask myself who are the bigger monsters in this scenario.

Now, I know that Robert is very unlikely to pose any threat to the community at large.  These inane practices are supposedly enforced for the protection of society.  But the big question I have is if someone were truly a threat, would you want them homeless on a street corner?  Wouldn't some kind of halfway house, with supervision, be much more logical?  An ankle monitor would do little good if someone decided to attack a passing citizen.  This is how the system protects society?

My second example is from some newspaper articles and information from the RSOL Newsletters that I get, that I recently read.  There are several private web sites " not affiliated with police" that are extorting people on the sex offender registration.  They scan police databases and then do additional research on these offenders, and then list this information on their sites.  Included are links to the social media not only of the offender but their "friends" as well as information and addresses on their family members.  Some of these "offenders" are either listed mistakenly or no longer must register with the police.  If a listed person or family member contacts the web site to be removed, they are instructed to pay $79.00 for an "investigation".  If they contact the site again (after nothing is done to remove them) they are told they must pay $499 as a removal fee.

As if these people have not already experienced enough suffering, humility, and abuse.  Again, I remind you that many sex offenders have offenses where no human has been touched at all, contrary to general perception.  There have been lawsuits against these web sites proprietors, but little has been accomplished thus far.

I share the stories with you to generate awareness of some of the realities of this whole campaign against "sex offenders" that is so prevalent in our media and culture.  I do not condone the actions of these offenders, nor my own crimes in this regard.  But society, as well as the legal system, must not only recognize that the "one size fits all" approach of condemnation and oppression does not reflect the reality of the diverse individuals or the incredible degree of differences in their transgressions, but also does nothing in addressing the causes of these crimes or assist in any meaningful rehabilitation thereof.

A new approach is needed for the overall safety of, and benefit to: society, the perpetrators, and their friends and families.

Thought Crime, Part 2

Part 2: Potential Prevention (or barriers thereof)

Several people, including Jess, have inquired as to why I did not seek some kind of treatment earlier, before my secrets were revealed, especially since I claimed to be working on these issues.  (I suspect that some are dubious of this claim, but again I must be satisfied with my own knowledge of this truth.)

It seems to me that my present situation should adequately address this inquiry.  To be truly honest with a counselor or therapist is a potential ticket to prison.  So it seems, as well, is an attempt to be truly honest with a fiancée.

Ironically the consequence of my actions continues to prevent me from getting professional help, as well as surrounding me with others as misguided, or more so, than myself.  There is a sex offender treatment program (SOTP) available in the prison system, but not on my yard.  I looked into a transfer, but at present the wait list for the program is several years.  There is also a concern that information shared in this program could be used against you later on.  This may seem like inmate paranoia or a rationalization, but it's written into DOC policy and has been conveyed by various attorneys in publications and to their clients here.  Yet still, there is a waiting list.

This course must also be taken (at your own expense) upon release from prison whether or not it is taken here, and still there is a waiting list.  So the idea that sex offense felons do not have a desire to heal is obviously not the case.

Jess also questioned why I withheld this tragic secret from her at the start of our relationship.  Again, her reaction to the situation speaks for itself.  If I had been honest at the start, would it have made a difference?  Would she still have reported me to the police?  And if not, why not?  If, as she claims, she truly believed me to be a risk to others, how would the time and manner of disclosure change the potential (or lack thereof) of inappropriate behavior?

Or perhaps the reality is that I was turned over to the police out of anger, or because I was not fully honest.  I certainly realize how dramatic and horrifying this discovery must have been.  I feel horrible for causing that pain, but communication, explanation, and cooperation might have been more beneficial to everyone.

I also wonder about the ethical implications of my lack of full disclosure about my habits.  When the consequences of this discovery are so disproportionate to the crime, and so devastating to me, my family and friends, is it morally wrong to hide the truth?  I really do think that honesty in a relationship is essential, and I violated that trust. Yet in a situation like this, it seems less clear.

In truth, my reasons were more selfish than that.  I never in my wildest dreams even considered that she might go to the police.  No, I hid to the extent of my destructive habit because I was embarrassed, and because I didn't want to risk losing her.  This was selfish, I know, but I was so incredibly in love.  That's hardly a good defense of my actions, but well, there it is.

The point here, which I just a rambled a way from, is that because of the assumptions of society, the attitudes of the justice system, and the lambasting by the media, there are really very few options available to someone seeking help in dealing with these issues, until perhaps it's too late.

This is a significant issue that requires a major shift in perspective and an openness to the uncomfortable realities of the human condition.

I know this topic and these ideas have been rehashed here in various ways ad nauseam, but this is where my mind goes again and again.  I am unable to work through this with any truly objective party, so I do so with thoughts and words to myself, and anyone who might happen to read this.

I know that I am not objective, but I sincerely hope that I am making sense.  As always, I encourage responses and comments.  I encourage you to call bullshit on ideas you disagree with.  I would love to hear opposing viewpoints and considerations I may have failed to address.  I try to view these situations and thoughts from other perspectives, and I might omit these observations from my ramblings, but would welcome those in this forum.

Thought Crime, Part 1

Part 1: prosecution and persecution

I am guilty of downloading child pornography.  I have never tried to deny that fact. I realize that this is reprehensible, and that the models of this industry undoubtedly have undergone horrible physical and mental trauma and abuse.  I contributed to this industry, and to this abuse.  I cannot take that back, but can move forward to understand and mend my karma, my mind, and my soul.

The consequences of this crime; 7 1/2 years in prison, lifetime probation, and lifelong registry as a sex offender, with restrictions on where I can live, where I can go, and what I can do, are predicated on the assumption that I am " incurable" and will or would undoubtedly act out on the fantasies that might have led to downloading such despicable material.  (Disclosure: these images were not of abuse, rape, or any sexual acts.)

Prosecuting and sentencing a person for potential and assumptive behavior is indeed a dangerous path.  One that I wish to explore in this essay.

I realize that many (perhaps most) people "buy into" the prevailing sentiment and media portrayal that a person with child porn (CP) is a sex crazed, evil, and perverted child molester.  That this is not necessarily the case seems to matter little.  Most people have little or no actual connection to these issues and would rather not think about them.  Few are willing to really question or understand the rationality of this assumption.  Even my fiancée --  who observed me interact with my own kids and students, and who claimed to want to marry me -  was unable or unwilling to explore these untrue assumptions.

I know the reality.  I know that might porn addiction led me to some dark places.  As is common with addiction, I needed more and more of my "drug" and explored more extreme content.  The child porn was one example of these extremes.  I am also fully cognizant of the line between imagination and reality.  This line was never in question and one that I would never cross.  I acknowledge that this is not the case for everyone, but those with a lack of awareness between fantasy and reality are, fortunately, the extreme minority.

This is by no means limited to sexual abuse issues.  This minority exists in all of the darker spheres of humanity.  There are serial killers, people who shoot up schools, who kill their own children, who stalk, kidnapped, and torture.  They are truly sick, and truly dangerous to society.  But to make assumptions of one's potential behavior is an extremely slippery slope.  We really don't know who is capable of these atrocities, so where do we draw that line?

I acknowledge that viewing CP is a likely risk factor toward sexual abuse.  The extent of this connection is really not known due to insufficient research.  An interesting article by Rachel Aviv called The Science of Sexual Abuse appeared in the January 14, 2013 issue of The New Yorker.

In this issue, she addresses the " Butner study redux" a 2009 study published in the Journal of Family Violence that is commonly cited by the courts to validate the extreme sentences and restrictions on CP felons.  In the study, 85% of the subjects convicted of child pornography crimes confessed to committing other sex crimes as well, an average of 13 per prisoner.  This study was cited on the Senate floor and five times in the Department of Justice 2010 National Strategy for Child Exploitation Prevention and Interdiction.

Further investigation of the validity of this study by the author led to some startling facts.  The program "required" the patients to "accept responsibility for a life of deviant behavior and thoughts." If they did not admit to such activities, they were accused of being in denial, and would be expelled from the program.  This meant returning to the general population of the prison, where sex offenders are routinely subjected to violence and abuse.

These study subjects later admitted that they just made things up to stay in the program and receive praise from the group.  They made " cheat sheets" in groups with fake names and details to "remember" in therapy.

Michael Setu, a psychiatry professor at the university of Toronto, reviewed the only six studies he could find on this subject and found that the Butner study was a " statistical outlier." The research is inconclusive.

"According to the largest study of released prisoners, conducted by the Bureau of Justice, the re-arrest rate for sex offenders is lower than that for perpetrators of any violent crime except murder." (Aviv) Yet this is the only class of felons with such draconian restrictions.

Now, if we are indeed going to pursue this line of thought, this "strategy of justice" to protect society and especially children from potential abuse, we should be thorough. There is ample research that people abused in their youth are statistically significantly more likely to be abusive themselves.  Should they be placed under restrictions?

I'm sure there is research that shows a correlation between drug use and alcohol abuse with a number of heinous crimes, including those of sexual abuse, so should drug users and alcoholics be on the sex offender registry, for life?

But let's not stop there.  To truly and accurately "predict" one's likelihood for sexual abuse, we must consider other factors as well: How many sexual partners, the age of losing one's virginity, sexual "games" played even prior to puberty would certainly contribute to potential sexual abuses.  We must consider the nature of one's sexual history.  Did they ever experiment with a pet?  Did they have sexual activity with a relative or a step-sibling, at any age?  Have they ever been with multiple partners?  Or used sex as a means of control or for getting what they wanted?

But even this is insufficient, we must also consider the sexual thoughts, fantasies, and imaginings going on in their minds.  Have they ever had "impure", "immoral," or "illegal" thoughts and fantasies?  And what about going to strip clubs?  Are these patrons not more likely to rape or abuse others?  And what of "legal" pornographic habits?  Is looking at legal models dressed up as young schoolgirls less likely to lead to acting out on one's fantasy?  Is this not a similar mental game?  And is looking at porn in general a predictor of potential rape?  If fantasy leads to reality, that's not a ludicrous assumption.

What about the attitudes and environment of one's childhood, particularly toward social expression?  Was it repressive and restrictive or was it permissive and open?  I'm sure both extremes lead to potential sexual inadequacy, and potential sexual abuse.

All of this and more shape our minds and the potential for inappropriate actions.  Ultimately, it's the ability to separate imagination from the reality of acting out.  Ultimately, it's one's conscience, one's knowledge of right and wrong.  How do we measure that?

In my case, the psychosexual history evaluation was an attempt to do just that.  Many of the questions  - well, most of the questions -- I've just addressed were posed to me.  I answered honestly and openly, even when not proud of the answers.  It revealed an extremely low risk (0.05%) of likelihood of inappropriate behavior.  Yet I was sentenced to 2 1/2 years above the five year minimum sentence for a single image of child pornography.  I got life probation on count number two.  I have lifelong registration, unsure of where I can live, what employment I'll be able to get, and even the nature of the relationship with my own children.

I want to be crystal clear that I do not think that collecting child porn is OK, or should be legal, but the consequences should be proportionate to the crime and should be solution, or treatment-based.  Probation, with mandatory counseling is most obvious to me.  I would advocate involvement in a program for understanding the pain and suffering of victims of the sex trade, particularly of child pornography.  A sliding scale restitution fee that contributes  directly to the treatment of both victims and offenders, based on income, seems appropriate and effective.  Imagine the millions of dollars this would save from taxes that go to state prison facilities for these offenders.

The court hurdles and restrictions placed on sex-offender create a lifelong struggle where true rehabilitation and treatment become secondary to pure survival.  Years in prison, exposed to others with questionable decision-making skills, and without any real treatment is certainly not going to help their cause.

I am suggesting that these crimes should not be prosecuted as if there had been actual physical abuse and more importantly without the assumption that there will be.  This way of thinking leads to the "thought crime" mentality I referred to above, and if it were to be expanded to other classes of criminal activity would result in a society that makes Big Brother seem like Ronald McDonald!

Yet at present, this assumption of CP viewing necessarily leading to abusive behavior exists; with the public, with the media, with the courts (and apparently with my ex fiancée).  We need more research, more treatment, less fear, and much more compassion to make things better.

Inefficiency, indifference, and apathy

The title of this piece sums up the general policies and procedures of the overall system of the department of corrections.  I have written about some examples of this in previous posts, and I'd like to add some more.

I was recently notified that I was to receive a legal call at 9:00 AM in the counselor's office of my building.  So, of course, I had to take the day off work, since I work on another unit.  At about 8:15 AM I noticed that the counselor was not in.  This in itself is not uncommon, so I asked the officers on duty in my run how I was to receive this call.  They suggested I check with a counselor in another building to make arrangements.

So I made the rounds to the other three buildings on my side of the yard - no counselors were in.  I returned and explained to the COs on duty.  They contacted a CO3 on the other side of the yard who said he would handle it.

So I wandered up to the gate between yards.  I waited over 15 minutes and nobody came to unlock the gate.  I noticed a counselor head into one of the buildings on my side, so I went over to explain the situation.  He radioed the co3 (on the other side) and then told me to go back to the gate and he would let me through.  I waited another 10 minutes before a passing cop open the gate for me.

Of course there is another gate to get to his office.  I waited there another 15 minutes.  Another CO passed by and I explained that my call was already past due.  He again radioed the CO3, who came out of his office to unlock the gate.

But here's the real issue.  He then looks at me and asks why I waited until the last minute to come to his office!  I really wanted to punch and in the nose!  I kept my cool, thanks to my Buddhist practice.  As it turned out, I missed the call - but miraculously the attorney called back.

This practice of blaming the inmate for the ineffectiveness of staff is ever so common.

Another brilliant example of the department of confusion has to do with the bus ride to the SMU unit where I work.  Every day there are two buses that take employees to SMU.  And every day there is some problem with something.  Paperwork missing, copies not made, workers not on the list, extra people on the bus, not enough people on the bus, or something else.  It often takes up to an hour to go the 1 mile to the SMU unit.

And that's just once we get on the bus.  The bus itself is supposed to arrive around 7:00 AM, however that time actually ranges from 6:30 AM to 9:45 AM.  We are not notified when the bus will arrive, but are expected to be there when it does.  Every worker has a radio, but somehow they are unable (or unwilling) to convey such information.

The primary attitude is that we are a bunch of lying, cheating, immoral, monstrous, evil criminals, so why bother to worry about efficiency.  This is certainly not true of every employee, but it's the general principle guiding procedures.  I acknowledge that security is of the essence in an environment like this, but when something is done multiple times every day, the process should become routine.  The only thing routine here is inconsistency.

Similar inconsistencies abound in the process of returning to our "home" from work.  Some days we get stripped once, sometimes twice, once it was three times, and - rarely - not at all.  And the strip-outs themselves range from, "drop the oranges (pants) and shake out the whites (boxers)" to taking off everything, nuts squeezed, bending over, spreading our cheeks and coughing.

One never knows what the procedure will be, yet the officers will consistently say "you know the drill." What?  Which one?  It's different every day!  Then they will berate as for not knowing the "routine".  "How long have you been doing this?" Is a common question, spoken like we are idiots for not knowing what is expected.

My final example of the day is less of ineffectiveness than it is structured nonsense.  When we arrive on the yard, we are issued one pair of pants, three T shirts, three pairs of boxer shorts, two pairs of socks, and some "lame-o" deck shoes for clothing.  OK, so far so good.  Laundry is to be turned in once a week, and we get it back the next day.  Okay fine.

Then it is against policy to do any laundry in the run, it's not allowed.  Yet many of the inmates here have no money at all, so have no other clothing than what is issued.  Two pairs of socks to last a week, and what about one pair of pants?  How can it be cleaned?

In truth even the indigent inmates will eventually get extra clothing one way or another.  The socks that are sold through the store become holier than the Pope in a month (they are not of the best quality).  The reason I bring up socks is that I got "scolded" the other day for having socks hanging to dry in my area.  I have only three pairs that do not look like Swiss cheese.  Now, I do have a job, so I can buy socks from the store.  Three hours of work for one pair of socks.  And I did...  More than one month ago!  But I have yet to receive them and, as the "property office" is never open when I am not at work.  I could take a day off in which I would miss out on $3.20 pay.  And while it may not seem like much, it would be another 2 1/2 pairs of socks!

Again to be fair, most of the officers never say anything about laundry, unless a captain, sergeant, or warden is in the vicinity, but some seem to revel in bitching, writing tickets, and finding anything they can to cause us suffering.

I often wonder if all this is apathy, ignorance, or a calculated effort to keep us off balance in everything that we do.  I suppose it's probably all of the above: whatever the reason, it successfully keeps us frustrated and confused.

Power Of The Prosecutor

This essay was commissioned by a friend, who shared with me an article from Huffington Post.  The article deals with the incredible power that prosecutors have in today's justice system.  This article does not address the situation in context to sex offenses, which correspond to the claims of the author perhaps even more glaringly than his own assertions.  The full article can be found at www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/16/the-power-of-the-prosecutor.

As I have mentioned in other essays, the prosecutors in the legal system have an inordinate amount of power and very few checks as to the abuse and manipulation of that power. The author, Radly Balko, addresses some of these and I'd like to illustrate how they fit into sex offense cases.

"There are too many laws... It is nearly impossible for layperson to keep track of all the laws that are created and modified in any given year."  The civil libertarian and defense Atty. Harvey Silvergate has argued that most Americans know unknowingly commit about three felonies per day." This is obviously a frightening statistic, and in the case of "sex crimes" they are added and modified continuously.

For example, ARS13-3553. the statute under which I was convicted, does not have any exceptions for exemptions built into it.  This means that my ex fiancée who viewed and transported the images in question to the police as well as the police, and the justice system personnel that exhibited these images, are guilty of the same crime than I am.  The power or willingness to enforce or prosecute this law seems to be an arbitrary decision based on the whims of law enforcement and justice system personnel.  I do not wish to imply that Jess, or the police should be charged, but the fact is that they could be and have violated the statute for which I am serving time.

Prosecutors are also protected by immunity that "shields them from liability, no matter how egregious their mistakes." How does this provide a truly objective system?  In Arizona at least, a judge will nearly always rely on the prosecution's case without any investigation to the claims.  Defense attorneys, especially public defenders, will not bother to investigate either, leaving the prosecutor free to embellish, manipulate, and even break the rules of the justice system.

As Balko states, "the prosecutor's job is no longer about enforcing the laws, but about choosing which laws to enforce."

"The laws are vaguely and broadly written."  This is evidenced by the previous scenario regarding ARS13-3553.  Also, the law includes: recording, filming, photographing, duplicating, developing, distributing, transporting, exhibiting, receiving, selling, purchasing, electronically transmitting, possessing, or exchanging in any visual depiction in which a minor is engaged in exploitive exhibition or other sexual conduct." In other words viewing an image is viewed with the same severity as actually taking pictures with intent to distribute.  The question of intent is completely absent from the equation.

In fact, in Arizona, a conviction for child molestation only requires proof of "knowingly and intentionally touching the genitals [of a child]." This may appear straightforward, but the state need not prove sexual intent or motivation.  Yet without sexual intent, the innocent actions perform daily by doctors, parents, child care workers, and others become repugnant actions of the predator needing to be punished.  Is not the annual "hernia check" performed in our school days the "intentional touching of the genitals"?  Dr. and gynecological visits, parental medical administrations, and a number of other acts are not exempt by this definition.  I know of at least one inmate serving a life sentence for an innocent actions such as this.  A life sentence with no need to question whether this contact was sexually motivated.

It is also well known that by and large, for prosecutors the justice system is a numbers game.  Elections, promotions, and appointments are based on racking up high numbers of conditions.  There is really no praise or incentive for declining to prosecute in the interests of justice.  I'm sure there are prosecutors, and defense lawyers who are guided by ethical standards, but politics often takes a greater role in the system.

Plea bargains, which were intended to reduce the burdens placed on the horrendously overstretched court system, are seen by some as a tool that lets guilty people off with lighter punishment than they deserve.  In reality however, they are being used as a tool of manipulation by the prosecution.  Multiple charges are often stacked, creating a terrifying prospect to defendants to take a plea.  In my situation I was looking at 100 - 300 years if I'd been found guilty on all charges, for possessing pictures that I had downloaded unseen, many of which had long been deleted.  I'm not defending my acts, but life in prison for this seems kind of extreme.  So I took a plea, not realizing the degree to which I was forfeiting my rights of due process in terms of seeking post conviction relief.  This type of scenario is by far the norm of this yard.  I know of several inmates who claim to be innocent, that took a plea of guilt because the implications of a wrongful conviction were too staggering to comprehend.

The Post article refers to "bringing the hammer down" as a method of intimidation and a showing of brute force.  I, thankfully, was spared the humiliation of SWAT teams busting into my home "guns a-blazin' " but many of my fellow inmates were not.  Most of these "dangerous felons" are rather meek and "nerdy" computer geeks - who might have relied on computer "fantasy" to compensate for an insecurity in human relations.  Yet teams of gun toting law enforcers would burst into their homes and drag them out and cuffs.  I mean, really?  Is this truly necessary or productive in any way to them, the families, or even to taxpayer dollars?  It's a display of might.

We also saw how post 9/11 a whole host of laws were enacted to protect ourselves from the tyranny of terrorism.  Yet again many of these laws could be used to limit our own rights to free speech and are vague and controversial.  Computer monitoring has resulted in a huge spike in convictions of internet-related sex crimes.  Again, not to condone these activities, but is that the intention of these restrictions to privacy?

The notion that "criminality is influenced by politics" is at its most evident in the sensationalism of prosecuting sex crimes.  How often is "tonight's top story" about illegal porn,  allegations of inappropriate behavior, or some kind of sex scandal?  It's a great strategy to rally and stir up the population at large, but the long-term effects on individuals, their families, and society as a whole is both underplayed an overlooked.  Very few of the monstrous and villainous sex offenders with whom I am incarcerated are truly a danger to society at large, and I imagine the same is true in the general population as well, but the prosecutors of this nation are not interested in such triviality.

Appeal To My Readers

 Thank you to all who have taken the time and effort to read my disjointed observations on a variety of topics.  Especially to those who have made comments to the post, or to me directly and indirectly.  Thank you for your words of support and your feedback.

I would love to hear from more of you.  Are there things which might be unclear to you?  Perhaps I am too accustomed to my surroundings and may need to clarify things.  Are there things you'd like me to elaborate on?  Other questions that I haven't addressed yet?

Perhaps you, or someone you know, has had similar or even opposing experience to my own.  Maybe you think I'm a whiny bitch who deserves everything that has happened and more.  Perhaps you might think I'm being a naive  about some things, or maybe you might agree.  I'd like to know what your thoughts are.

If you know of any other sites or resources that might be related to the topics presented, feel free to share them in this forum.  If you have any research that either concurs with or opposes any of my assertions, I like to know about them.  I'm particularly interested to hear about the situations and conditions of convicts, prisons, and sex offenders in states other than Arizona.

If you know of resources that might contribute to my growth, healing, recovery, and spiritual development, emotionally and psychologically, I'm always welcoming of suggestions.  Perhaps other readers might benefit from these as well.

And by all means, pass this blog URL on to others who might have any interest in the topics presented - even if it's just for them to feel better about their own life situations!  Sometimes it's helpful to have a solid, real - life example of "it could be worse".  I feel this way when I see the conditions of those in the maximum security yard where I work.

If any of my essays are appropriate to any publications, or to other web sites, I give my express permission to share them, though I'd love to know about it.

While my intentions of this blog are to promote awareness and to perhaps help others, it is also very much a form of therapy for myself, and I get little true feedback, counting, criticism, or support in this environment and I would welcome any from you all.

Thank you again and I continue to send thoughts of loving kindness (metta), compassion, peace,  and joy to all of you.

Sincerely,

The Caged Bird

Resilience and Purpose

Each year, right around New Year's, my "crazy, new age aunt" chooses Angel Cards for everyone in the family. This is something that we should try to work on, focus on, and become aware of in the coming year. Jess and I also " played around" with angel cards.

Well, for the last year (2012), I had appropriately been chosen for "resilience". Though I'm not particularly sure how well I did with it. On the one hand, I'm still here, still alive, so I suppose I inadvertently and ultimately succeeded. On the other hand, however, I did make an honest and conscious effort to take my life, so I suppose I should not say that I really demonstrated resilience.

I've been trying to make something of this shithole of an existence. My dictionary defines resilience as "an ability to recover from illness" and I've been working on growing and healing, but I'm unsure if I've truly recovered from anything.

I was told by my aunt that for 2013 I had "chosen" the card "purpose". Wow... That's another good one! And it dawned on me how interrelated the two really are. In order to be resilient I must have some sort of purpose to my life, and that is difficult here. So much of the purpose that I once identified with has been stripped away: father, teacher, homeowner, and pet owner were roles of purpose that defined me, particularly the first two, but they are not a part of who I am at present. I know that I'm still a father, but the purpose of caring for and raising my children is gone.

I sincerely believe that I have been striving to give purpose to this horrible situation of futility and irrationality. I have committed to the path to improve my mind, body, and spirit. I have completed the only college course available to me here, I exercise more than I have for years, I work the 12 steps of sex addiction, I read, I am practicing Buddhist techniques and teachings, and I'm writing this blog and other works. I must confess, though, that I often feel this blog is little more than a journal, as very few seem to read or comment on it, but it's at least "out there".

I'm working as a legal clerk, with the opportunity to learn about the legal maze.

So what else can I do? I know that I must not give up, though I often feel the effort is hopeless. I'm still overwhelmed by emotional suffering. I know that in theory, I must "let go" and not "attach"; that all this is impermanent. I know that I should choose peace over suffering but it often seems I have little choice. The suffering is too pervasive.

Yet I also realize that I tend to feed it. I look at pictures of my children, and I cry. I make an effort to look at the few pictures that I have of Jess with our son, and I cry. I know that is going to hurt, yet I still dig into my box for those pictures. So perhaps I am choosing this misery over purpose.

I don't think that I enjoy feeling hurt. Yet thoughts of Jess arise constantly. Can I make the choice to stop those thoughts from arising? Or perhaps I must allow them to arise and pass with equanimity, without attachment to them. I try, but I'm often unsuccessful.

I'm reading a book by Dr. Harold Bloomfield, called "making peace with your past". He writes: "another source of resistance is an addiction to feeling victimized...you might fear that resolving...issues would leave you nothing to complain about." Is this what is happening with me? I tend to rationalize that very few can really understand the pain that I continue to experience. Yet there are so many in here who can laugh and joke and have fun. Are they just more enlightened than I? It seems like those who exhibit the least amount of respect, reflection, or compassion are the ones most enjoying themselves. Is this just all illusion? Or am I on the wrong track completely.
Bloomfield also writes:

"If you're kicking yourself over a failure or a mistake, shifts the energy of regret to that of curiosity and view what happened in a larger context. Or perhaps it was a necessary aspect of your experience, without which you would not have had certain successes."

Now he's just teasing me, but it gets worse: "ask yourself (of your regrets) what really might have happened had you done things differently:

What experiences might you have missed out on? What people might you not have known? What opportunities might not have come your way? Who might have been hurt? How much love might you have lost or never found? What incidents, illnesses, or other tragedies might have ensued? What job opportunities might not have come your way? What life lessons might you not have learned?

Let yourself imagine the worst, chances are those scenarios are no more unrealistic than the gratifying fantasies that fuel your regrets. Can you accept that in many cases your life might not have been appreciably better if you had done things differently, and in some ways might even have been worse?"

Clearly this advice is not aimed at someone in prison because of their mistakes, having lost everything. Yet I do acknowledge that the ultimate consequences are yet to be revealed, though with probation and lifetime registration, the future ain't really all that bright.

Nonetheless resilience and purpose are necessary for survival. I'll keep at the work.

The New Year Rants Trilogy

Part I - Asinine Antics

Happy Freakin' New Year

As a new calendar year rolls in, I have the auspicious omen of being on lockdown. Well, at least that excuses me of my resolution to do more running, at least for now. So I figured that I'd spend at least part of the day writing about some of the inane practices and policies of the Arizona Dept of Corrections (ADC).

Recently, the head honcho and big cheese, the "state warden" took a tour of our facility. It seems that he was both astonished and outraged at the amount of "stuff" that we inmates possessed. Apparently he was upset with us about they're being the possessions of two humans crammed into a space originally designed for one. Shame on us.

So as an extremely relevant, appropriate, and logical response to our wicked behavior, the ADC created an initiative that restricts the number of religious books we may possess and notified us of the enforcement of the already existing policy of four boxes per inmate.

OK, so each inmate has the theoretical limit of 10 personal books, excluding books of a religious nature, which was essentially unlimited. It might have had something to do with that bill of rights thingy in the constitution.

Anyway, the new initiative essentially includes religious books in the limit of 10. So where does one begin to question the logic of such a move? On a practical level, I know of very few inmates to actually have the full four boxes allowed. I have only two. And there are no limits to the number of packages of refried beans or any number of food items that we may possess, so this makes very little sense as a "space saving" measure.

Then of course there is the "rehabilitative" aspect of such a policy. As already mentioned, there are few efforts or resources directed toward any growth, recovery or rehabilitation of the inmates in this system. The term "correctional" facility is a misnomer. Any real growth must come from personal, internal measures and religion is a path chosen by many as a way to find peace. So, let's limit the opportunities and resources for using that as a tool, even if it does not even cost money to the system.

I myself currently has seven books on Buddhism and yoga, add a thesaurus and a few reference books for the novel I'm working on and I cannot receive any more books. This obviously will make me a better and more responsible human when I finally get out.

This brings me to a second, and related oddity. I currently have two books in "property" that are considered "contraband" as they came (from Amazon) without receipts. This happens with incredible frequency to the point where it seems that Amazon sends a full third of their shipments without receipts. If or when the receipts are mailed to us by the person who ordered the material, we can and then pick them up. If that is, they are from Amazon "proper" and not a third party vendor through Amazon marketplace, in which case we can send them back, or to someone else ( at our own expense), or donate them to our library where we can check them out if they are available.

Of course, there is no record of who actually sends the gifts, so I must play detective by mail to discover the benevolent soul who sent the gifts and then ask them to deal with more hassles. Ironically the two contraband books are both of the spiritual and "self help" nature. "God" forbid I get a hold of such destructive literature.

Part II: Visitation Vagaries

My children pulled a surprise visit on me just the other day, which was of course wonderful, as always. There were also a couple of examples of ludicrous policy that occurred during the visit.

First, I was finally able to get the "Veterans Day" photos that had been ordered more than two months ago. I tried on previous occasions to get the photos taken which are theoretically done to allow us to send them as holiday gifts. The first time I tried, I was told by the officer in charge that the digital camera was out of film. I swear I'm not making this up. The next time it was "too busy" in visitation.

So, this time the camera had "film", and I went to lift up my kids so they'd be roughly at head level with me. Apparently, that is not allowed. Then for the third and final picture --I paid for three, never mind that I expected that meant three copies of the same pose -- we decided to make silly faces. Apparently, that's not allowed. So my son tried to give me a bunny ears. Yep, you guessed it, apparently that's not allowed.

I've spent a good deal of brainpower puzzling over the rationality behind this one. One possible reason might be related to why we must remain clean shaven at all times - to match the appearance on our photo IDs. (Though our hair length has no such restrictions.) So if I were to escape, and someone might see me, they'd look at the picture from visitation (yeah right) and say, "well, that does look like the guy I seen, 'cept he didn't have no bunny ears so it couldna been him."

Or perhaps it might be considered a sign of irreverence or disrespect to all our powerful ADC overlords. It all seems rather nonsensical and mysterious.

The other incident during visitation with the kids occurred after they had decided to make a giant face in the dirt in the outdoors area of visitation. This is something we frequently do when they visit, I'm not sure why, but they like it and that's all that matters to me.

Anyway, this time they decided to fill in some of the facial features with the pebbles that are piled along the perimeter. There are signs posted to remain 2 feet from defense, which are generally ignored by all, including the kids as they gathered pebbles. Eventually, the visitation officer came out and asked us not to do that anymore as he didn't want to get in trouble. OK, fair enough. But then he asked us to return the pebbles to where they came from, which meant going back into the "forbidden danger zone". Perhaps there should be an investigation into the "guiding philosophical nature of the ADC". Descartes, Aristotle, and Socrates combined could not make sense of it all.

Part III: Medical Mayhem

The last of my rants for the day and is far less amusing, and really quite tragic. It has to do with the incredible lack of care, concern, nd common sense of the Medical System of the ADC.

As previously mentioned, at present there is a class action suit against the state for failure to provide basic, adequate medical care. I could fill an entire book with stories that I've heard, but I'll limit myself to a few scenarios that I have experience with myself, so I know them to be factual.

Since the lawsuit's genesis, the ADC has "farmed out" its Health Care to a private company called Wexford. I suspect that decision is related to the lawsuit, but I really don't know for certain. Anyway, the incredible result is even worse access to basic, adequate health care.

Within the class action suit are several instances of dental malpractice. I have recently been experiencing a toothache and decided to go to dental, to see what they said. I submitted a Health Needs Request (HNR), and amazingly received a pass to the dentist within a week. I had to take a day off of work only to have the dentist not show up and all appointments canceled. A week later, I got another appointment. The dentist looked in my mouth and banged on a tooth with a sharp pointed solid steel implement of destruction and asked if it hurt. "Well, yes, it does," I replied. He informed me that that it needed to be pulled. I suggested perhaps a filling instead. "No, no, it's too deep for that, on the outside you could get a root canal, but we don't do that here." Now I've never heard of dentists making such a prognosis with a 2 minute peek and a rap on a tooth. I said I'd like to consider my options, not relishing having a tooth ripped out of my jaw. "That's fine," he said and made me sign a "refusal of treatment" form, effectively relieving him of any and all responsibilities or consequences.

Another all too common scenario that seems to be escalating in frequency is a sudden and inexplicable cessation of medications. I receive meds for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and an antidepressant. Last month, the cholesterol meds were not refilled. A new policy in place since Wexford took over is that we cannot talk to the medical staff about any medical issues, we must submit an HNR. So, after two weeks of no word on my meds, I sent an HNR requesting either a refill or an explanation as to why they were discontinued. The letter came back with a nurse's initials, I assume to confirm it had been received. But there was no explanation, plan, or even a comment on the content of the letter.

In speaking with other inmates, this too seems to be fairly common. One good friend has had his heart meds stopped for two months, he has sent three HNRs and has not gotten a reply to any of them. Others have shared such tales, and even more ludicrous ones, of doctors blatently refusing to see patients with legitimate health concerns. Blood tests are frequently given, but the results are never shared, nor are any problems in the lab work actually acted upon. The staff seems to go to extremes to avoid actually addressing concerns. It seems that Wexford offers more training on avoidance than on medical treatment.

As the number of inmates and the sentences of incarceration continue to increase, the logical place to cut costs is by neglecting basic medical care. After all, we are nothing but a bunch of monsters, whose lives are of little concern or value to society as a whole. Refraining from medical treatment is a cheap and easy way to make room for the next batch of prisoners. Though it would be even more efficient and quicker to just put us in a gas chamber. There's a policy that would make some sense.

Hodgepodge of Thoughts

 There was a racial brawl on the yard the other day. One guy went to the hospital because of it. As a result, we have been locked down in our buildings for the past two days. Even for meals, which have been brought to us.

So, I figured that I'd take the time to jot down to a few passages from my journal/autobiography, which will be available someday, somehow, I hope.

I was listening to an NPR show about the war on drugs and the lack of funds and energy aimed at the rehabilitation of addicts. The situation with sex offenders is even worse, as it's something society has yet to really talk about. The following quote was made: " if a friend came to you and said they had an addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, or even shopping, would the first thing you do be to call the police? Of course the answer is unequivocally no." Yet this is what the woman who supposedly loved me did. With no effort to talk about it, to understand it, or to work through it. Therein lies the primary source of my utter confusion, frustration, despair, and sense of betrayal.

That the "justice" system of this country makes no attempts to understand, aid, or dispense real justice comes as little surprise. That the woman I love did the same is much harder to handle.

It dawned on me that here in the prison culture, the only thing more reprehensible than a sex offender is a snitch. But this thought brings me no consolation, no solace, and does nothing to change my fate nor help me understand things.

On a different topic, I read this in a book: "... Someday soon a woman will truly love you. Whether... you and she lived together all your lives or that you not be united until a long time after your first meeting, you will grow older and so will she. I cannot predict whether you will grow feeble and bent, or gross, or bald, or ugly, but it will not matter. This I can say with certainty: she will see you always as you were when you met. To the end of your days. Or hers."

To me, that means with true love one will see past the blemishes, imperfections, and impurities to recognize the beauty within. Perhaps I don't deserve that, perhaps my transgressions are too much to overlook or to attempt to work through, but I do know with certainty that I would do anything for Jess. I'd have worked with her as much as I could. Even now, I tend to focus on the beauty, strength, and spirit that she possesses. I cannot ignore what happened - what she did to me, what I did to her, what I did to me, and how much it hurt. Nor am I foolish enough to believe that love needs to be reciprocal, I think most of us have found out that this is rarely the case. I did, however, foolishly think that I really had found that so very elusive, so very rare scenario that might lead to a "happily ever after." Now I have little faith that such a thing exists outside of storybooks.

Maybe... Just maybe... I'm completely full of shit.

Incarceration Inequality

I had a discussion with another inmate recently. We were talking about how inmates on minimum security yards are able to work on the "outside" for minimum wage. This is around 15 times more per hour than we can possibly earn on this medium security yard.

Sex offenders (SOs) can never move "up" in security clearance regardless of crime, or behavior while incarcerated. Yet, the vast majority of those here are convicted of non-violent crimes, and many, like myself, have "non contact" charges as well.

Many correctional officers have admitted to me that the SO yards are far less violent than the general population (GP) yards. The Arizona Dept. of Corrections will periodically switch the designations of yards, and swap inmates around so that the SO's can "clean up" the messes left behind by the GPs.

So how is it that the "system" recognizes this on the one hand, yet continues to subdue this class of felons on the other?

I think about how, had I stabbed, robbed, or beaten someone, I'd be able to provide more for my kids, ex wife, and ex-fiancé than I can at present. It's sad that the families of SOs are subject to the similar inequalities and persecutions as the inmates themselves.

Of course it can be said that I should have considered that before downloading illegal porn. That I did not realize the inequities of the correctional system is a paltry excuse, and I regret that decision every moment of everyday. But is that any less true for someone who decides to knock off a liquor store? The kids and families are no less innocent, or no less important in either situation, yet the consequences for them are quite different.

The inconsistencies and inequalities seem to be capricious and unfounded. These topics need consideration, research, awareness, and publicity.

The Slippery Slope of Porn

Never in my wildest dreams or nightmares did I think I'd be locked up in prison, labeled a sex offender with a lifetime probation. Yet here I sit. I'd like to share some of the facets of my situation in the hopes of preventing others from a similar fate.

When I took a polygraph test, as part of my psycho - sexual evaluation, the examiner outlined my story or "scenario" with amazing precision before I ever said a word about it. So it seems that my "decent into debauchery" is not so very uncommon.

I've had a powerful attraction to pornography all of my life, since finding my dad's "stash" as a kid. As I grew up, I would occasionally go to adult bookstores to look at videos and would sometimes trade porn videos with friends. It was never an overwhelming obsession, perhaps because it was not readily accessible.

The Internet really changed that. In a relatively limited sexual marriage, I would find myself spending more and more time on the computer. I read erotic stories, found pictures and videos, and went on nude "chat" sites. My then- wife was aware of this and really only objected strongly when I began to pay for such sites.

After my divorce, the frequency escalated dramatically. I had no one "looking over my shoulder" so to speak. I might spend an hour or two a day on computer porn. Eventually, "standard" stuff became boring, so I would find kinkier content. Some was a turn on, some not, but all eventually became uninteresting. I inadvertently (really and truly) stumbled upon younger content while searching for "schoolgirl" themed porn, with adults posing as schoolgirls. I was intrigued and attracted and began looking for more. I was not intentionally looking for illegal, or very young images, but when I turned to newsgroups for free content and found an image that was appealing, I would download an entire directory, unseen. Some of what I found was extremely inappropriate and illegal. Even if it wasn't a turn on, I never bothered to delete it. There was an attraction to the forbidden nature of it. A collection grew over time. I would look through the images, some enticing, and many not, but I kept them all.

I always "mixed it up" in terms of porn content, I was never fixated on "young stuff", but it was part of my pattern. Eventually, I grew bored with this as well. I also found erotic "taboo" stories (incest and school girl themes) to be exciting, but had no interest in acting on such ideas. Again, it was the taboo that excited me. Eventually, I stopped downloading such content, but kept them "just in case."

I had no interest in "cyber stalking" or to seduce or be with any kids at all, ever, but in a fantasy, anything can happen!

When I fell in love with Jess, my interest in all of that ceased. I deleted my entire hard drive, yet much of it had already been backed up on an external drive. After she moved in with me I realized I had to delete that too. In this effort I was looking through the images, some never seen, most unseen in years. There was still an attraction, more like the feeling of saying goodbye to an old friend, but well.... That's when my secret was discovered.

She left with no real discussion on this topic. I sent her an apology and a confession, and urged her not to overreact. In my mind, that meant not breaking things off. I never even considered police involvement, yet the letters, computer, and hard drive were all turned over to the police. In retrospect I suppose I was rather naive!

So now, I'm trying to better understand what led to this. I began seeing a therapist even before I knew of any police involvement. Primarily, this was to deal with my intense heartbreak, but also to help identify my actions. I discussed it with the psycho-sexual evaluator, and I've since attended sexaholics anonymous meetings in prison. I've read what I could on sex addiction and have spent countless hours meditating on the subject.

I cannot identify a primary cause. I've read that childhood abuse is often a factor, though that never happened that I recall. Through my work, I've had many insights to potential factors and I'd like to summarize these. Perhaps it will help others who might have a problem.

With my initial therapist, through a process called EMDR, I made a connection of equating kissing and cuddling with cousins and friends (when I was very young) to a sense of security and "escape" from feelings of abandonment. This may be significant in light of the fact that this problem developed just after a divorce.

My psycho-sexual evaluator are suggested that my "child brain" was not actively linked to my conscience or "adult" brain. He used clinical terms as well, but I don't remember them and don't want to use them incorrectly. Basically, the child part of the brain associates with pleasure, with no reference to time, age, or morality. There's no segregation as to the cause of pleasure. And it was identifying past experiences with pleasure.

In my own process of introspection, I recalled a young girl on my paper route flashing her privates and asking to see my "weenie." I lost my virginity in strange circumstances at 15 or so. Two "older women" (maybe early twenties?) invited me to their hotel room and got me high for my first time ever. One of them seduced me while the other was on the other bed. It was not really a pleasant experience, but I was certainly not forced to participate.

I've always had a lack of self confidence with women, due to being overweight most of my life. I'm sure this is a contributor to my seeking satisfaction through pornography. After my divorce, this was exaggerated, as well as my being angry and mistrustful of women in general. Perhaps there was an attraction to the "honesty" or "innocence" of younger girls (though I know that in reality kids are often dishonest and not quite innocent!).

Also, as previously mentioned, I've had a rebellious nature. Not only in sexually related matters, but in life in general. Drinking and drugs were a part of my life and I've had a pronounced disregard for "the law".

I sometimes wonder if the fact that as a teacher and parent I spent the majority of my waking hours with kids had a subconscious influence on my psyche. Though I did have an attraction to schoolgirl themed porn in Japan, before all this happened.

My father had an attraction to porn, as well as difficulty with monogamy. This has made me wonder if there is any genetic disposition toward sexual "deviance". Some have suggested the possibility of karmic influences from previous lives as a possible contributing factor. Though I have some trouble with that idea, I do not discount it completely.

The point is, I don't know why. I'm sure that it's a combination of all these and more. I know it would never have escalated beyond "fantasy" and I know it's behind me. While I may never understand why, I must continue to be aware of thoughts and feelings, and continue to grow and heal.

I struggle with the question: "Am I a pedophile?" I've read varying definitions of the term. "A person who has sexual relations with children." That's not me. "A predominant sexual attraction for children." For me, it was never predominant. I was always only interested in age appropriate relationships. But, "an attraction toward young (women)" -- yes, I admit that is true. I know that "labels" are relatively meaningless, but I must come to terms with this.

Through sharing this blog, I hope that maybe someone in a remotely similar mental state might avoid the devastation I'm going through. If you're having any thoughts of looking at anything illegal...DON'T. If you have already, delete it! If you think you might have any tendency toward anything like this, seek help!

But herein lies another problem. A counselor, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist is required by law to inform authorities if a crime is revealed to them. This obviously would prevent people from actually seeking help, or from being honest about such things. But of course, there is public opinion on such topics, also contributing to a "bottling up" of thoughts and feelings.

In fact, my therapist turned evidence on me over to the police, but only after receiving a letter from Jess and knowing there was police involvement. A mutual friend, while trying to help, had revealed my therapist to Jess in hopes of aiding my therapy. In spite of my therapists' assurances of nondisclosure, she passed information to the police.

This obviously poses a barrier to seeking real assistance in dealing with a potential problem. This and public abhorrence forces people to hide and conceal things, which I believe is not altogether healthy.

In retrospect, while I know I would never have acted on my attractions, I also recognize that countless females (and males) of all ages have undergone unspeakable atrocities due to the sex trade. Any contribution to this system, intentional or otherwise, is wrong. It's so very easy to disconnect electronic sequences of binary code to living, breathing humans. But that is a huge mistake. We must be aware of, and responsible for the implications of our thoughts, impulses and actions, and we must act accordingly.