Why I Wonder Why

A friend in here was recently giving me some feedback on my essays.  He told me that as a reader, he would like to see me get past and the "why" that permeates my thoughts and musings.

I gave a sort of laugh and said that, as a human, I would really like to get past though "why" myself, but I'm obviously far from that point.

We talked about how it's really one of the big challenges in this place.  The inability to really understand, and the acceptance of the reality that I may never find answers to the questions that torture me perennially.  Also to acknowledge that it makes little difference to the situation at hand.

There are a myriad of reasons as to why this is such a challenge.  For one thing there is the inability to "move on" to something new.  Everything around is a perpetual reminder of the circumstances that led to this incarceration.  My brother, who is coming off of a tough divorce, talks about the things he can do to "clear his head".  He goes to drumming groups, goes for hikes, takes little vacations, and can see a therapist.  He is talking about maybe trying to "get back on the horse" and perhaps make efforts to date again.  These are not options for me.

Then there is the incredible timelessness of this place.  Because there are no significant or new events or experiences in my life, time has stood still.  It seems as if my time with Jess was just yesterday.  In my mind she's perennially pregnant with our son though he's approaching a year and a half.

The incredibly wonderful feelings I had of being with her and the laughs and joys we shared are still crystal clear in my mind, as is the devastating sense of heartbreak, loss, and betrayal.  "Time heals all wounds," but when nothing is happening, time stands still.  The intervening time does not really exist.

Perhaps due to the nature of my personality, I also have an overwhelming compulsion to make sense of things.  I want to see a reason, rationality, or logic in her actions.  I naively want to think that logic and reason are absolutes that we all share; that the notions of right and wrong, good and bad, cause and effect and even the degrees of those attributes are universal.  This is clearly not the case.

Though when it comes to the operation, organization, and policy of this department of corrections, I am fully aware that logic and reason have little influence.  Paradoxically, I can accept and even laugh at this in spite of the frustrations of living it.  That's not the case when it comes to Jess's  actions.  Nor of my own for that matter.  There's nothing remotely amusing about it.  I can accept the bias and sterility of the legal system and even that of the general public, but I struggle with this when it comes to the woman I love, who I planned on spending my life with.

I realize that love greatly interferes with a clarity of reason and logic.  I understand that love is precisely why it's so hard to deal with it all.  Perhaps love also has something to do with those choices and actions of Jess.  Perhaps, also, I'll never know.